He won’t, would He?

I read “Adultery” a few days back. It was a dear gift I received a year back on my 18th birthday. I never had the time to read it until two weeks ago. The moment I started reading it, I couldn’t put it down. It was so spot on, it was a little scary.

There was this one thing that hooked me. In the book, when the Protagonist is lost, she leaves herself to the wishes of God. She completely surrenders herself instead of resisting her urges. She does a lot of awful things, confesses to more disturbing details. She cheats on her husband repeatedly. She tries to plant cocaine on the wife of the guy she’s having the affair with. There’s nothing but monotony that’s bothering her. Her routine is what ails her. She has no reason to be sad, but she’s still miserable. She asks the same thing to herself. “Why am I this way? Why am I unhappy?”

She goes through all this with just one thing in her mind. “God will guide me. He won’t let me suffer for nothing.” 

In the end, things work out on her favor. Her husband still wants to be with her. Her kids love her no less. Her life is good again. 

He won’t let me suffer for nothing.

But what if He does? What if God isn’t there to guide me? What if all my suffering and redemption bring me no closer to peace? How can anyone say for absolute certainty that after suffering there awaits compassion? Yes, I know it’s a leap of faith we have to take. I know that. That’s all I’ve been doing for the past year. My world was turned upside down, but I somehow managed to come out the other side. But I’m still suffering. I don’t want this…all of this…to be for naught. 

So I guess I have to surrender myself, too. I have to see things out and know for sure. I can’t keep half-assing anymore. I’ll just have to believe that all this means something. Everything is working it’s way to make things better for me. 

And if not, then who am I to go against God’s plan?