It’s been a long time since I’ve held you close enough to feel your heart.
It’s been a long time since you’ve looked at me like I’m a part of your world.
Days have turned into years and I think I’ve forgotten what your voice feels like.
It’s midnight and I’m a little drunk and all I can think of is how the fuck did we not make it?
I love you more than anything in this world and yet somehow it’s not enough? I’d give up anything and everything for you, and still it’s been a year since I even heard about you?
It’s been a long time since someone has made me feel the way you do. It feels like a lifetime has passed and I still haven’t found anyone who’ll love me like you did. Maybe I won’t. Maybe that’s the point.
Years have passed and still I think about you every single day. I might have a problem, I’ll admit that. I want it to be over, too.
I want to move on, too.
But how will I ever love someone when I’ve already given all of it to you?
It’s been a long time since I’ve said that I love you. It’s been a long time since you said you love me, too.
It’s been a long time but here I am again, feeling like an idiot asking you to love me back.
I love you
“I love you.”
Right now I’m not sure if I do anymore, but I say it anyway because it’s all that I am. I can’t remember what you look like very clearly, or even recall the sound of your voice. I’m not the same person you left and you’re not the same person I love. I love you in a way that you’re my whole world yet I would rather not feel like that ever again.
But I know I love you because that’s the only reality I’ve known. I know I love you because I can’t love anything else. I know I love you because you’re my whole life, even if you’re not in it.
I know that I love you.
I find it comforting to hold on to this fading emotion because I know what it feels like and who isn’t a sucker for familiarity?
*picture credit I’m not really sure about, it’s just a picture I found in my archives. All credits go to the original photographer, not me.
I read “Adultery” a few days back. It was a dear gift I received a year back on my 18th birthday. I never had the time to read it until two weeks ago. The moment I started reading it, I couldn’t put it down. It was so spot on, it was a little scary.
There was this one thing that hooked me. In the book, when the Protagonist is lost, she leaves herself to the wishes of God. She completely surrenders herself instead of resisting her urges. She does a lot of awful things, confesses to more disturbing details. She cheats on her husband repeatedly. She tries to plant cocaine on the wife of the guy she’s having the affair with. There’s nothing but monotony that’s bothering her. Her routine is what ails her. She has no reason to be sad, but she’s still miserable. She asks the same thing to herself. “Why am I this way? Why am I unhappy?”
She goes through all this with just one thing in her mind. “God will guide me. He won’t let me suffer for nothing.”
In the end, things work out on her favor. Her husband still wants to be with her. Her kids love her no less. Her life is good again.
He won’t let me suffer for nothing.
But what if He does? What if God isn’t there to guide me? What if all my suffering and redemption bring me no closer to peace? How can anyone say for absolute certainty that after suffering there awaits compassion? Yes, I know it’s a leap of faith we have to take. I know that. That’s all I’ve been doing for the past year. My world was turned upside down, but I somehow managed to come out the other side. But I’m still suffering. I don’t want this…all of this…to be for naught.
So I guess I have to surrender myself, too. I have to see things out and know for sure. I can’t keep half-assing anymore. I’ll just have to believe that all this means something. Everything is working it’s way to make things better for me.
And if not, then who am I to go against God’s plan?