Monthly Archives: January 2014

Grown up!

It’s done. After 14 years of school life, it’s over. Last night, it was the end of school for me, as well as the other 12th grade students. Here’s the thing. I’ve been in the same school all my life. From kindergarten to senior year. The school and me have grown together. I remember the days when there was not a lot in my school. Gradually the school grew, and I grew with it. It’s been way, way too long for me in that school. It’s not like I love my school because I’m the center of attraction, or popular or stuff like that. I’m as good as a ghost in my school. 

I live in a pretty small city, and all I ever want is to get out of here and make something of myself. I always thought leaving school would be easy. I never thought that leaving school would actually make me…sad, and leaving teachers would make me cry. It’s all sappy and dumb, I know. I thought the same thing until a day ago, and I still do. It was an in-the-moment thing. Looking back, it all seems so stupid. We graduated. We’re no longer in High School. No matter what the result of boards is, all of us are going to be in college in August. It seems so unrealistic. Who knows where each of us is going to end up? I know I’m not grown up enough to go to college. It freaks me out to have to do anything by myself. 

College? It’s so scary! New campus, new people, new city, new everything. Yes, it seems like a great opportunity to start fresh. College is like a clean slate. But with me, I’m going to need something or someone to remind me where I come from, but also support me in going where I want to be. I know, I can’t have it all and these insecurities are going to go away on their own.

But leaving school seems like such a great big step. This is it! It’s done. All the things which have gone are never coming back again. In our school, all us girls are called Queens. (A bit cheesy, I know).

Today, I’m not a Queen anymore. I’m an Ex-Queen, and this is the change I wasn’t ready for.

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Unavoidable Defect

I know I’m not the most social person on this Earth. I don’t know how to make conversations. I don’t know how to express myself apart from writing. Actually talking to people orally scares me. Yes, it frightens the living daylights out of me.

I stammer a lot more than I used to think a year ago. I don’t know if I do that under pressure, or I’m excited or god knows when. I just stammer, and it’s getting way, way out of control.

I’ve always been teased about it, especially in middle school, the part of my schooling I’d like to erase from my memory. More often than not, I laugh with them as well. Because I know that they don’t actually mean those stinging words. Teasing me about my stammering, I can handle. But when people started making fun of me for it, and meaning each and every word, it hurt.

It’s stupid, isn’t it? I don’t care what anybody says or thinks. I’m in my own bubble of books, music, and in the company of selected friends. Baaki sab jaye ghaans charne (Everything else can go to the deepest pit of hell.) Then why is this bothering me now? Nothing else about me bother me. I’m fat, I’m lazy, I’m an average student, I’m not good at any one particular thing. None of these things bothers me, but my stammering does. I don’t know why, it makes me feel like I’m such a…loser. It’s like, come on! Can’t you speak one sentence without stammering at least twice? It takes repeating attempts to speak a simple word as “Please”, at times. 

It doesn’t happen when I’m talking to myself (Yeah, I do that), or when I’m speaking in front of a crowd (Have hosted school events to know that public doesn’t scare me) or when…no, I’m done. Those two are the only situations when I’m able to speak without irritating everyone, including myself. I stammer while talking to my friends, my family…everyone. It’s not like any one person scares me. It’s the idea of making a conversation, and then ending up making a fool out of myself that scares me. So, I avoid speaking at all, as much as I can. I read, I write and I avoid actually speaking. Because after being made fun of, I don’t think I want to relive those moments, ever.

Seriously, is every defect known to man somehow stuffed into me?

It’s my birthday, and I don’t care!!

Okay, I’m way too exited right now. I turned 18 years old today. I’m officially an adult. I can take part in political decisions, handle all my stuff my myself, and legally, i can do whatever the hell I want. 😉

I didn’t have a grand party, one of my friends just surprised me with a cake, which ended up on my face. Apart from that, I just had a subtle birthday, and I love it!

Though I couldn’t stop dancing since yesterday because of the excitement…and it’s still there.

I’m 18..!!!

When clothing leads to judging

As you probably know by now, I’m weird. I’m hardwired differently than what people my age mostly are. But in a lot of way, I’m just another teenager. You just need to look closely to realize that under all the jokes, the shouting, glossy lips, painted nails and batting eyes, there’s a really dark place, but that’s beside the point.

The points, people, of this post is my obsession with a black hoodie. It has been recently pointed out to me that some people might mistake me for a drug dealer or a serial killer if I keep wearing my hoodie. Now, I started wearing this hoodie in September. It rained heavily in my city till October, and I don’t like that kind of cold. In November, mostly at night, the winds were quite chilly. I’m a nocturnal creature, mostly. I stay awake at nights, and go lie on my roof. Sometimes, a few of my friends accompany me. But I always, always wear this hoodie. I don’t know why, but I’m in love with it, and it’s not even mine. It’s my brother’s and I stole it from him.

I’ve been going to the movies alone since August. I’ve overcome my fear of going anywhere alone since the last few months. The thing is that I like to be alone. I don’t mind company, but only for as long it’s not more than a couple of hours. Constant company suffocates me. I go to watch a movie alone, only when it’s a movie which I really want to see. That way, all the popcorn, nachos and coke is mine 😉 And a single person always get seats. Always.

Though, one time, my cousin caught me at the theater. She suspected I was there with a date, then she naturally came to her senses. Me? With a date? Yeah, right! She’s a bit fussy about fashion, you see. So when she saw that I was wearing the hoodie, with it’s hood over my head, she made a face and said, “Nidhi, you have got to stop wearing this thing. You look like a serial killer.” I ignored her comments about me, as I always do. 

Since the last few days, temperature in my city has really dropped. I don’t mind, I love winters. And because the sweater which is a part of my uniform is sleeveless, and it doesn’t actually block the winds. So, I started wearing my dear hoodie at school, too. At first, it was okay. Then, when I wore it for three straight days, and a girl in my school bus started making faces at me. I mean, I’m okay with that. I’m a weirdo, it’s no secret. But this specific girl, I have problems with her. She gives me that weird vibe, as if she’s about to scratch my face with her nails anytime. I’d like to see her try, though. She’s literally half my size. Keeping that aside, a few days ago, she got the nerve to ask me, “Didn’t your mother buy you any other jacket?”

You see, for me, that type of insult was…cute. It was an attempt to insult, let alone an insult that would even touch me. So I smiled at her (keeping my Art of Living manners in mind) and walked away. I could’ve replied with some smart-ass words which would’ve made her question who she was at the core…but I don’t do that sort of stuff anymore. I smiled, and I walked away. I was smiling, she was frowning, wondering where did she go wrong with that pathetic attempt of an insult. So, ultimately, I won.

In the end, it got me thinking, what was it to people if I wore a black hoodie all the time. I don’t mind looking like a weirdo. Hell, I don’t mind being one! Then what in god’s green earth is everyone’s problem with my damn hoodie? I’ll wear it in the scorching heat, if I like. Why the hell is it of matter to anyone else? Then it occurred to me that the girl was trying to bully me, like she does to others. (I mean, she couldn’t actually bully me, of course) It’s so damn easy to judge someone, isn’t it? You can say whatever the hell you want, and pretend like it doesn’t matter. It’s a blessing that bullies like that can’t hear other’s thoughts about them.

Peace is what’s the ultimate goal of human life, isn’t it? All of us crave for peace, happiness, and love. Then where is the need to judge other based on looks, the clothes they wear, their financial status? Take away everything from superficial nuts, and in the end who are they? Nobodies. That’s who a loser is, not someone whose looks aren’t like a freaking runway model. I wish I could just tell all the bullies in the world that saying mean things, physical abuse and mental abuse on weaker ones doesn’t make you strong. It makes you pathetic. So pathetic that your very humanity should be questioned. 

So, the next times, you feel the urge to judge someone, do it, but in you own bloody heads. Don’t go on around the whole town about what you think. No one trusts a gossip. And if someone bullies you, then just smile. It’s the best miracle in the world. Remember, bullies crave attention, and you don’t want to give them that satisfaction. So smile, and mean it, and walk away.

Peace out, for now.

 

Wishing on the stars

Okay, I finally have it straight. I know what I want to do with my life. I’m turning 18 this month, and I know what I want, and what I don’t want. I mean, there can be slight changes in what I don’t want, but I’m sure of what I want. 

I can do one thing that a lot of people have forgotten. I can listen to someone else. I’m also a great secret keeper. I’m like a whole storeroom of secrets, life incidents and stuff like that. Sometimes, people I’ve known not longer than 10 minutes spill their beans in front of me.  So, this is what I want with my life. I want to listen to others, because there was no one to listen to me, when I needed someone. I know how excruciating it can be at times. I know the urge to talk to someone, who will, for once in your life, not judge you or spread the word. I so wish I had someone like that in my life. But it’s satisfying enough to know that I can be that person for someone.

This is what I want to do with my life. Just be the person who listens, when no one else would. It doesn’t matter what age the people are, they always talk to me. I mean, I am an introvert, I don’t like talking. But, I’m a great listener. Most of all, I want to matter. I want to make a difference in someone’s life. 

Apart from the serious stuff, there are a few fun things I want to do in life. Things, I won’t rest before I do. So, behold people, the following is my wish list…

1. Go to Bali. Alone.</p><p>

2. Watch all Harry Potters and LOTR in one go.

3. Ask Stephanie Meyer from where exactly, did the concept of sparkling vampires came to her mind.

4. Go to Vegas with my friends, and get drunk out of my skull.

5. Skydive in Dubai.

6. Go to Burj Khalifa’s roof. By stairs 😉

7. Publish my own book.

8. Travel the whole damn world.

9. Oh, yeah, learn to swim 😛

10. Learn Ancient Greek and Egyptian. No way in hell I’m dying without learning those two.

11. Get in trouble with my friend, who’s bucket list includes getting arrested.

12. Drink chilled coke in winters, in Moscow, without any sweater on.

13. Read all the Indian Vedas, Puraans, and other spiritual texts.

14. Never get married. I don’t even want to try it. I know I’m not marriage material.

15. Buy my mother a lavishing car. I love my mum, even though most of the times she gets on my nerves.

16. Buy a Harley-Davidson. When people my age grow up, they’re going to buy cars for themselves, I’m going to buy me a Harley Diana Wayne Glide (2010), and ride it to work every damn day.

17. Go to my High School reunion looking hot as hell, and making those girls burn because of envy.

18. Open a bakery with my previous class teacher. (I’ll be a silent partner, obviously)

19. Complete a marathon. Maybe, not while running, but completing it regardless.

20. Make out with a stranger in New York, while they’re dropping the ball at New Year’s eve.

21. Protest against the government because they’ve declared that being gay is criminally offensive. While we’re at it, why not declare being an asshole criminally offensive? Oh, right. Because most politicians are it. I mean, seriously, what the hell?

22. Kick a guy’s at Tennis. I’ve done this one repeatedly, but I just enjoy this a lot, so I don’t think I’ll ever get enough of it.

23. Learn how to make sweaters, mittens and all that stuff. Because of a medical condition with my hands, I can’t do something like that which requires precise hand movements. I hope I’ll be able to do it in future.

24. Become an IAS/IRS officer, just to show my mother that I can do it, and then quit the next day.

These are the things I want to do so far. I’m sure there will be more in future, but these are it for now. If there’s one thing I know, it’s that nothing, and nobody can stop me from doing this. I won’t stop until I’ve achieved every single thing on this list (and the ones which add on in the future).

Some of the above things are questionable by the ones who are corrupted by the Indian mentality, according to which fun is limited to a few things. But, I could seriously care less about what they think. It’s my life, and when I’m standing on my own feet, I’ll do whatever the hell I want.

Bye, for now, and thank you for reading.

xxoo