Tag Archives: life

Catching up

It amazes me how dumb I am.

Everyday I reach a new low.

Screw academics, I’m dumb as an all over individual, and this dumbness really doesn’t seem to be leaving me. I don’t think there’s a cure for how dumb I am.

It’s not only my incapacity of being an adult, it is also the results I get because of how dumb I am.

I turn that saying I came, I saw, I conquered into I came, I saw, I embarrassed myself.

There are too many instances of those, I can’t even begin to tell you about it. I’ll sit down on a clearly unfinished chair, say weird shit to people I met like five minutes ago, and also forget how to talk when I need it the most. I’m not one to say words like “Woke”, but count on me to say in front of actual professional adults.

I know what the problem is. See until a few years ago, honesty was a problem with me. When I stopped lying, I didn’t know that I won’t just lose my ability to make things up, but I’ll also lose the filter in my mouth. Like earlier I used to keep my bad jokes to myself, laugh at it for hours, and enjoy it but now, I feel the need to share it with others, which doesn’t bring any joy to anyone, it just earns me weird looks and curses.

But despite me being a dumbass, I’ve been doing good. I don’t talk to a lot of people, sure, but I guess that’s okay. I don’t want to talk to anyone new, especially a boy or something like that. I don’t k now how to talk to boys. They say things and I don’t understand them. They’ll be speaking like a proper human being and my outdated brain would not be able to comprehend what they said. Like this one dude was in town, and I hadn’t ever met him before so he asked if he could meet for all three days he was here and I made up an excuse on all of them. Because first, he could be a serial killer for all I know and second, I knew  I’d embarrass myself so why do it? I once accidentally said to a friend of me “Dude, that’s not how I like to be choked” and he didn’t talk to me for 3 months. There was no way in hell I was going to take this chance again. I never know what’s coming out of my mouth so I just minimize the chances of speaking altogether.

Leaving that aside, my hair is finally the color I wanted it to be!!! It’s very blue and green and what’s normally called “mermaid hair”. Ever since I drastically changed my hair, it wasn’t quite what I had imagined. There was always something I had to compromise on, but this time, I couldn’t have asked for more it turned out to be so so so great!

Now, time for this time’s playlist. There isn’t much, because I’ve been reading too much to listen or to browse more music.

  1. Nice for What- Drake
  2. Wild Thoughts- Rihanna & Bryson Tyler
  3. Ship to Wreck- Florence and the Machine
  4. Satisfied- Hamilton, the musical
  5. Chun Li- Nicki Minaj
  6. I like it- Cardi B ft. SZA
  7. All the Stars- Kendrick Lamar ft SZA
  8. Love lies- Khalid ft Normani
  9. Ten feet Tall- Afrojack ft Wrabel
  10. Tere Bina- A.R. Rahman
  11. IDGAF- Dua Lipa
  12. Bandaged Hand- Louden Swain
  13. Brother- NEEDTOBREATHE
  14. Me- The 1975
  15. Sleep on the Floor- The Lumineers
  16. Without you- Oh, Wonder
  17. Drive- Oh, Wonder
  18. Bad Habit- The kooks
  19. Robbers- The 1975
  20. Call out my Name- The Weeknd

I guess that’s it for now. I hope everyone’s going good. 😀

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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All caught up

I don’t think it comes as a shock that I listen to a lot of music and I’m a perpetually sad person and those two things are my whole life.

Also I feel kind of awful at this very moment. For once, I know why. But that’s not the point of this. Not that I ever have any point to make. I don’t know, I just wanted to distract myself for a little bit.

I’m finally getting a new phone. Well, to be fair the phone I had before this was also pretty nice, but it wasn’t new or mine. I was just keeping it for a few months because mine broke. I’d been using a Sony phone since 2014 (It was my first phone ever) and then last September or late August, the screen cracked. So I started using my mother’s iPhone because she didn’t use it anymore. I had planned on getting a new one in like a month but I just kept on spending my money on stupid dumb shit and not on a necessity. So now finally I’ve ordered a new phone which will arrive on Saturday. I’m childishly excited about it. I keep on tracking its delivery, as if my looking again and again will make it reach me faster.

I also have like 10 new books coming my way on Monday. I am so so so excited about them because Jesus knows that I hadn’t gotten a new book in a while. The last book I got was on my birthday and it was called “A Guide to Rational Living” and was given to me by my mother. But this time I have books like Fire and Fury, Born a Crime, and Atlas Shrugged.  I am DYING right now in their wait. (I don’t know if that sentence was correct)

In my last step to becoming Gollum, I have become obsessed with jewelry. Earrings in particular. In a couple of years I went from someone who didn’t wear any lipstick or jewelry to a person won’t be caught dead without a lipstick on . I don’t know why I didn’t take care of my skin before. Now getting ready in the morning is my favorite time of the whole day. It takes longer, sure, because I have dedicated 6 step routine for both day and night. I have noticed a difference from 2016 to now and I think those steps are completely worth it.

I’m also blonde now, not in my roots, though. I have actually never had non-colored hair since 2013, but it was always very subtle and never so out there as it is now. Last February I wanted to get dark navy blue hair. The hair stylist fucked up big time because it turned out more black than blue. Then it got worse with time and then in May I had to cut it all off. So from May to January, I had no color in my hair whatsoever, which was very boring. I don’t care much about damage because I’ve never had amazing hair to begin with. I like changing my hair a lot. I think it’s a lot of fun. I’m planing on getting ash grey hair this month, then peacock blue in the summer.

I want to get my nose pierced, but I already hate my nose and I don’t know if I want to bring more attention to it. Diksha has it and it looks really nice on her, so I want one too. But my nose is my kryptonite and I’m awfully confused about this one

I would like to now talk about some of my favorite movies that I saw this year, which were, a lot. I have gotten into indie cinema somehow and I have to say I really love it. So the first movie I would like to talk about is, of course, Black Panther. Words cannot describe how much I loved that movie. Then I think the next movie I really loved was Call Me By Your Name. Before watching it I was a little skeptic because I’d read on Instagram about how it was about pedophilia and such things. But then I saw it and I couldn’t find anything disgusting. I mean sure, the age gap was significant between Elio and Oliver but there wasn’t anything perverse, or at least nothing that I could point out. I could relate so so bad to Elio at the end of that movie. It shattered my heart and I cried for an hour, I think.

Some of my other favorite movies this year that I have watched have been Get Out, Good time, Below her mouth, Moana, Marhsall, That Awkward Moment, Beatrice at dinner, Raincoat, Bhumika, Manthan, and Nishant.

And I would like to give a special mention to The Emperor’s new Groove. I fucking love that movie. It’s so funny, and just all over masterpiece.

For TV shows, I just finished watching  Shameless. It’s absolutely disgusting but I guess that’s what life is. Everyone reaches a  new low every episode and that’s still so real? I don’t know why but I really like it. I also finished the Crown last week. I know, I was late but I’m finally all caught up. Then for Comedy I have a long list. Angie Tribeca, You’re the Worst, Difficult People, Brooklyn 99, Young Sheldon, and The Detour.

Grown-ish is again absolutely amazing. I didn’t think I’d like it as much as I liked Black-ish. I usually don’t like spin offs after the trauma of The Originals. Grown-ish is again, so relatable. I think that’s what college is like, from what I’ve heard, at least. I have a child, Shivani, who goes to a legit law school in Raipur, and from what she tells me, I get it. I absolutely love these TV shows and movies, man.

Supernatural for me is in a league of its own. I will never not like that show. Team Free Will till the day I die.

I know it seems like I watch a lot of TV, and it seems accurate. I do. I don’t have much to do but watch TV and movies and read books.

As for music, here are a few songs that I love love love right now:

  1. Riptide- Vance Joy
  2. Star Power- Sonic Youth
  3. Long time- Cake
  4. Perfect Places- Lorde
  5. Opps- Kendrick Lamar
  6. Jashn-e-Bahara

I also really like this song called “If it wasn’t for you” by Alesso, but I don’t listen to it. I avoid it at all costs because I can’t listen to that song without going into a manic depression for six months. But it’s a good song, though.

As for me personally, I have been struggling a bit. I have a sinking feeling in my heart and gut at all times. Anxiety is at an all time high. Like I said, I know why. I still can’t believe that it still affects me. Now that I think of it, there never goes a day where I don’t think about it, but for the past two weeks the sinking feeling has gotten deeper and I find myself praying again. To what? Even I don’t know. Even though the object of my love is no longer with me, doesn’t mean that the love isn’t there. I think it’s more than ever before and somehow it grows everyday. There’s nothing that I can do, nothing that I haven’t already done, so I pray.  I just pray that if there is any God, wherever God is, I hope they listen to me. I hope they have mercy on my soul. I hope that I feel so empty anymore. I hope.

I think we’re all caught up. I’m sorry this post was so long. I didn’t want to leave anything out. I needed the distraction and all those things I mentioned are really important to me.

So thank you for sticking around till the end.

 

 

 

 

 

Loony Tunes

Okay my petite croissants I’ve got some more amazing music for you all followed by a rant that even I don’t know about yet. So the music is :

  1. Cake – Long time
  2. The Walters – I love you so
  3. Kygo ft Selena Gomez – It ain’t me
  4. Aurora – Running with the wolves
  5. Mogwai – Take me somewhere nice
  6. Foo Fighters – Aurora
  7. Alex Turner – Hiding tonight
  8. Vince Staples – BagBak
  9. Iron- Cinder and Smoke
  10. Youth- Daughter
  11. Cage the Elephant- Instant Crush (cover)
  12. Kendrick Lamar ft U2- xxx
  13. Kendrick Lamar ft Rihanna- Loyalty
  14. Panic! At the Disco – Don’t threaten me with a good time
  15. Marshmallow ft Selena Gomez – Wolves
  16. Cake – I will survive
  17. Kendrick Lamar ft SZA : All the stars
  18. Vance Joy – Riptide
  19. Cigarettes after sex – K.
  20. Panic! At the Disco : I write sins not tragedies
  21.  Selena Gomez ft Gucci Mane : Fetish
  22. Cage the Elephant : Trouble
  23. The 1975 : Me
  24. The Marias : I don’t know you
  25. Panic! at the Disco : This is Gospel
  26. Varsity : So sad, so sad
  27. Jye – A shitty love song
  28. Angus and Julia Stone – Chateau
  29. Gregory Alan Isakov – If I go, I’m going
  30. Angus and Julia Stone: Down the way

This is all I can remember for now, but I’m thinking to start a journal of all the music that I find and absolutely love, so it’s easier to keep track of them in the future. I’m hoping that from now on, almost in every new post I can share some new music ( or music that is new to me) with everyone because literally nothing makes me happier than finding music that leaves me with goosebumps.

Now for the rant, I think I have finally figured out that I need to take control of what I want. If I want to graduate doing what I love, I have to make efforts. If I want to have a chance of making it as a writer, I need to make it happen for myself. I can’t keep giving up. If I want to live a stress and drama free life, I need to keep minding my own business.

And I think I’m going to get a dog. Ill be staying at home most of the time anyway from next month, apart from like seven hours a day. I would really like to love and take care of something, man.

 

 

Listen

I won’t rant passive aggressively this time. I mean, not at first, anyway. What I really feel lie doing right now is sharing the music I’ve been listening to these past few weeks. Because music is the only thing that has been going good for me right now. Now before I start listing songs I should tell you that I am obsessed with every Hamilton song. Hamilton is the best and I will fight anyone who says otherwise. Still, there are a few favorites other than the musical based on the founding fathers of USA. So here they are:

  1. 505- Arctic Monkeys
  2. Kashmir- Led Zeppelin
  3. Perfect Places- Lorde
  4. Pray: Sam Smith
  5. Gemini Feed- Banks
  6. Irresistible- Fall out Boy ft. Demi Lovato
  7. Affection: Cigarettes after Sex
  8. Mr Brightside: The Killers
  9. Star Power: Sonic Youth
  10. Take me to Church: Hozier
  11. Apocalypse: Cigarettes after sex
  12. Hold me tight or don’t: Fall out Boy
  13. Trip Switch: Nothing but thieves
  14. Cold Cold Cold: Cage the Elephant
  15. 5,4,3,2,1 (Murder Song): Aurora
  16. Do I Wanna Know?: Arctic Monkeys
  17. Carry on my wayward son: Kansas
  18. Heat of the Moment: Asia
  19. Dream a little dream of me: Ella Fitzgerald
  20. Arabella: Arctic Monkeys
  21. New Rules: Dua Lipa
  22. Babe I’m gonna leave you: Led Zeppelin
  23. Set Fire to the Third Bar: Snow Patrol
  24. The Ballad of Gus and Sam: Ferraby Lionhart
  25. Can’t be happening: The Marlows
  26. Forrest Whitaker: Bad Books
  27. Back to Black: Amy Winehouse
  28. Too Late to say goodbye: Cage the Elephant
  29. Bad at Love: Halsey
  30. Why’d you only call me when you’re high: Arctic Monkeys
  31. Wonderwall: Oasis
  32. River: Eminem ft. Ed Sheeran
  33. Suck it and see: Arctic Monkeys
  34. Come a little closer: Cage the elephant
  35. If I get high: Nothing but thieves
  36. Monster: Kanye West ft. Jay-Z, Bon Iver and Nikki Minaj
  37. For You: Angus and Julia Stone
  38. Runaway: Aurora
  39. Like Home: Eminem ft. Alicia Keys
  40. Starboy: The Weeknd ft. Daft Punk

Obviously my taste in music is very weird and all over the place. But I really like all these songs, plus Hamilton :P. Oh, and also cheesy 90s Bollywood music. I am who I am, man. But I really really recommend all these songs that I’ve listed above to everyone.

Now for the rant, I actually have nothing new. Same old trivial issues that my head can’t process.  No wait, I do. It’s more of a thing I wish I had. So like three of my friends broke up with their boyfriends in the past  two weeks. I was sad about only one because that dude was legit a nice person. Anyway, not my dysfunctional relationship, not my decision. So now what I’m envious about is that two of them are already schtumping someone else. No judgement man, because again, not my body, not my place. I’m only envious in the sense like wow, how are you just so confident about everything? It takes me sixty four years to be comfortable intimately with someone because I hate my body and the way I look. So I just wish I had that kind of confidence within myself that I don’t have to think twice about what I want to do with my body.

That’s it.

 

 

 

 

 

Changed 

“I love you.” 

Right now I’m not sure if I do anymore, but I say it anyway because it’s all that I am. I can’t remember what you look like very clearly, or even recall the sound of your voice. I’m not the same person you left and you’re not the same person I love. I love you in a way that you’re my whole world yet I would rather not feel like that ever again. 

But I know I love you because that’s the only reality I’ve known. I know I love you because I can’t love anything else. I know I love you because you’re my whole life, even if you’re not in it. 

I know that I love you. 

I find it comforting to hold on to this fading emotion because I know what it feels like and who isn’t a sucker for familiarity? 


*picture credit I’m not really sure about, it’s just a picture I found in my archives.  All credits go to the original photographer, not me. 

Cut off

I’ve been having a rough time lately.

Issues that I’d thought I’d resolved have come back up to haunt me all over again. My self esteem is at an all time low ever since a girl decided to rip me apart one by one. It’s not about validation. I don’t need some dudes telling me I’m pretty and what not. Flattery is not an answer to anything. But whatever, there’s no solution to that problem.

Then there’s another problem that has been bugging me. My education. What the fuck am I going to do about that, man? I can’t be a lawyer. I’ll be the worst lawyer this world has ever seen and I’m not even exaggerating. I’m someone who cries when someone yells at me, how the fuck do you expect me to face another attorney in a courtroom? Also, every single time I sit down to study Constitutional Law, it makes me want to throw up. There was this chance that I could transfer somewhere from the 5th semester but my stupid university cancelled all exams until further notice. If I want a transfer it’ll have to be in 3rd semester, setting me back by a year again. I can’t keep losing years like this or I’ll be 30 and still doing my graduation.  I don’t even the backup plan that every girl has; to get married. Because let’s be real, I’m not even proper human material, let alone wife material. I have no choice but to make something of myself and I’m pretty sure it’s not going to happen if I keep wasting years like they’re seconds. If you ask me what I’m good at? Well, nothing really. I can read and watch an absurd amount but that’s about the end of my intellectual prowess. So you see, I’m fucked in all places all at once.  To quote a friend, “I feel like I’ve taken more loads than Sasha Grey.”

I don’t even have the solace of feeling like this is Karma getting back at me. I’ve done my time. Karma has had its due. We’re even. My only saving grace is the hope that the world will end before all this happens. Or I’ll die somehow, if not then I don’t know what the hell I’m going to do.

I tried traveling but even that didn’t work. All it did was leave me bankrupt for the rest of the month and gave me tan lines so sharp they could kill. It wasn’t all bad, though. I mean, yeah, hanging out by the ocean drinking cold beer is fun. Watching cute boys in the water without shirts is more fun. Smoking pot with some of  and trying to speak Portuguese is priceless. But what’s the point of any of it when you’re hundreds of miles away but you’re still thinking all the same things? 

I don’t go out a lot, either. Because I had an epiphany while I was off getting sunburned. I didn’t take my phone because it’s fucking useless. I took another one to click pictures and support my recent addiction to Boomerang. I didn’t tell anyone I was going because whenever I speak about something I’m going to do, it doesn’t happen.  It was being somewhat off the radar that I realized that not everyone I think is my friend, is actually my friend. Yeah, I know a lot of people but they’re not my friends. I realized they only ever called me when they needed something.  I don’t need anything from anyone other than their company. It sucked to realize that more than half the people only ever called me or remembered me when they needed something, and that they don’t actually care about me. I’m done calling people my friend when they’re actually not. They’re just the people that I know. I don’t have a problem being there for someone when they need me or helping them out with something. But I just expect them to be there for me, too.  That’s it. When I’m there for you at 4 in the morning, the least you can do is not ignore my texts. I’m done letting people walk all over me. I’m nice but I’m not fucking stupid.  It’s not even exaggerated expectation because there are a few people who call me even when they don’t need anything.

Radhika calls me just to tell me a joke or she just comes over wherever I am to simply hang out. Diksha calls me to tell me what all she did that day from waking up to going to pee. To be honest, they’re the only family I have. I don’t think expecting someone to just be there for me is too much. So since they don’t give a fuck then even I’ve decided not to. Like I said, I’m nice but not stupid. 

Don’t even get me started on boys. I’m just done with that altogether. I have enough issues without adding “boy” trouble to that.

Then there’s my dumb body which can’t run itself properly. I take vitamins, I take protein and I eat so much all the time. I still don’t gain weight. My face has become so ashy grey that I think it’s going to crumble if I go out in the wind. I have zero stamina to speak of. Then there are my ovaries who can’t behave themselves. It’s so fucking frustrating not having my period for almost a year now. Back in January I thought something happened but it was like only 2 days. The reports come up normal so I don’t know why is this happening. Am I pregnant? Am I dying? What’s happening down there, God? It was never my plan to have kids but it wasn’t in my plan to grow a mustache, either. Then there’s sleeping. I’ve been having so bizarre dreams that you wouldn’t believe.  So bizarre and so vivid that I’m not sure if it actually happened or not. I was jumping off a rock and into an ocean in one (Which isn’t possible because I can’t fucking swim) and in one I was having dinner with a family that I don’t think remembers me anymore. Then I keep waking up every few hours. So I’m seriously depressed, really anxious, malnourished and sleep deprived all at once.

 It sucks being me right now.

So you see, I’ve had a depressing month and I don’t think it’s getting better anytime soon. 

It’s a rant

I’m suicidal.

Apparently there’s something wrong with that. But let’s be honest, who isn’t?  Who hasn’t at least once thought about ending their lives? Everyone is suicidal at some level or the other, I just happen to be at the pro version.

I don’t like to talk about it. I don’t like having to explain why I’m in a place where the future doesn’t exist for me. I don’t like to talk about coping mechanisms that I’ve adopted. This whole dying thing, I don’t talk about to anyone.

Believe it or not, a pot dealer gave me some great advice. Now that I think about it, he’s a pretty nice guy. So he told me that it’s better to write these feelings down. Not because they’ll help, but because after you die and people find these logs, they’ll feel awful for the rest of their lives. I like the sound of that. Not everyone, obviously. Just the ones who have driven me to the point of dying. Ironically, they’re the ones who are also responsible for me being alive.

Another idiot told me that if I go through with this, I should think about how bad my family will feel. Well, they better feel pretty damn bad. It’ll change them forever? Thank goodness. I don’t want my life to end in vain. I hold no love for my family. It died the day they told me that I had to become a lawyer, even if it took 10 years or even if it killed me. If you think I’m a monster for not loving my own mother then go ahead. I’m the worst creature to ever walk the Earth. If I had a kid who was already dying out of anxiety and stress, I wouldn’t drop the pressure on them to become something that they don’t want. I’ve had tough love my whole life. I’ll admit, it made me tough. But I’m no longer that strong. For once I’d like to be loved as a child should.

The worst part is, they know what I do. They know that I sliced my wrists open. They know I bled for a long, long time. They know that the reason I want to die. They know everything. Yet no one came to me to ask why were there bloodied clothes in the garbage. No one asked me why there were gashes on my wrists. No one asked, so I told no one. So when I die, I do want then to feel bad. Maybe they won’t do the same thing to my brother. Maybe he’ll benefit the most from my death.

I really thought that would be the day I’d end it. It didn’t take courage. All it took was a blade. I had a letter written out. Actually, three. One for my family. One for Diksha and one for Radhika. In them I wrote who gets my stuff.( For the record, no one gets my Louboutins. They go with me.)

It wasn’t God’s plan to make me die. I mean after an hour or so of bleeding you’d think the 5litres would run out. But apparently not. Fuck it, I didn’t even get dizzy. I only cried because on my laptop Netflix was playing S5 finale of Supernatural and it was a pretty sad scene. My poor Winchesters babies. (Yes, even when I thought I was dying it was Supernatural I was thinking about. Fuck you, too)

Needless to say, I didn’t die that day. I made a hell of a mess but I didn’t stop breathing. I’m still fucking alive, obviously.

Fuck, I didn’t mean to sound like someone who’s pathetic and needs help. I can still hold my own, thank you very much. Maybe it isn’t such a good idea to listen to pot dealers, after all.

And I swear to The Hol Trinity that if someone tells me “You’re just 20 years old, you still have prospects,” or “You’re a kid and this is just a tantrum and you know nothing of real pain” I’ll throw a pan in their stupid face and then they’ll know what real pain is. Just because other people have it worse than me doesn’t mean I’m not relevant. I know everyone’s suffering. I know everyone feels like this. But I’m not everyone. I’m running on fumes here. If other people still have fires left, it’s because they’re made of stronger stuff than I am. Do not start preaching to me otherwise I’ll pull your guts out through your throat. (Fandom references all over.)

I’m still kinda sorta fine, because I have no other choice. I’m done trying to die because, I tried and it didn’t work. It’s not God’s will to put me out of my suffering just yet. My will wasn’t to make it to December 2016. But again, I’m just a human.

Maybe my lack of affection towards people is the reason I want to die. I mean I’m not completely out of touch with my human side. I still care about my family. I do what they say. I have friends. I help anyone who asks. I hold no grudges. I don’t hate anyone. But I don’t actually love anyone either. I don’t think I have it in me anymore to love another person. Be it my own blood or otherwise.

As for my coping mechanisms, it’s dark humour, cigarettes and Netflix. That’s it. I’m running on Internet and Smoke.

If there’s a light at the end if the tunnel, I don’t see it yet. And until I do, I’m not about to change a thing.

Stars on my body

​//  

I didn’t know what home was until I found him in the same one as me. He dripped cold water on my throat and watched it gather around my collarbone. He drank for my skin and ate from my heart. My soul, whatever left of it, was his reward. 

We wasted our days away in the taste of scotch and the smokes of cigarettes.  We sinned, we cried, we laughed and we talked. We talked while he ate away at my skin and we talked when I couldn’t tell his body from mine.  

He owned me, body and soul. Every time his body touched mine, he unlocked a part of me I didn’t know. He had me by my heart. The world said he’s crazy to trust me. They said I’m a fool to love him. He didn’t give a fuck about anything. He claimed me in front of everyone. Bone to skin, heart to mind, he left nothing.

He murmured in my ears, all the things I wanted to hear. He left on my skin the proof of his love. I dug my nails deep into his back, marking him mine. I gave him what he liked. He showed me what I liked.

He wasn’t just a man, no. He was more. He was my existence reduced into a person. He was my God.

 It was more than love.

 Love doesn’t hold the power to destroy me. 

It was magic, my personal hell. 

It was my own galaxy

//

Vow.

This post was published sometime around August’15. It got deleted and I managed to forget all about it like a complete ass. So here it is again, with little finishing twitches here and there and the concept has been borrowed from Tumblr. I read something like this and thought to try my hand at this.

7am: I wake up from a dream about you. I hate myself for having that dream for about 5 minutes then I jump into the shower.

7:15 am: I check my phone and there’s still no word from you. I throw the phone roughly on the bed and get ready for work.

1pm: I’ve drowned in work so I don’t think about you. But damn it to hell, nothing works. I can still smell you from the dream.

3pm: I eat lunch with a friend. Your name comes up and my stomach drops all the way to Satan’s cage. I lie and say whatever you do doesn’t concern me. I lie and say that I’m over you.

7pm: I come back to an empty home and the air gets heavier and more difficult to breathe. I take my phone out and read old messages to torture myself.

8pm: I have no idea how the bottle of water in my hand turned into a glass of whiskey. I read an old text which cuts me open from shoulder to waist in one stroke and I gasp for air.

8:30pm: The books you bought for me taunt me through the shelf while I make dinner for one. At this point, I’m ready to burn them to ashes and burn those ashes again. But I know I won’t, because I’ll desperately cling on to any memory of you.

9pm: TV seems stupid. Social media seems stupid. Laughing seems stupid. Breathing seems stupid. Stupid seems stupider. The only thing that doesn’t seem stupid is that I need you. I didn’t think I’d need you like this. I didn’t think that I’d stop existing if you left. But what’s the point? You already did, and you left those fucking memories.

10pm: Last night’s dream comes to mind, and I give into it. I give into the feeling of you touching me. The way you curse, the way you grind your teeth together in lust, your eyes rolling to the back of your head when you can’t handle any more, the feel of your cool lips against mine when you first kissed me, the taste of your blood when I bit your lip a little too hard. It fucks me up further to realize that you literally run in my bloodstream.

11pm: it seems like it’ll be an age before I hit the call button on my phone. Why should I call you? You made it clear that you don’t care then why should I?

2am: I figure out the answer. Because you’re the only one I could feel. Because I’ve tried fucking my way out of an empty heart but it doesn’t work. Because none of them could make me feel what you did with your mere words.

3am: I’m praying to every god I can think of to bring me a time machine.

4am: My phone rings and I know it’s you because….I don’t even have a reason how. All I know is that it’s you. I answer the call because I don’t see logic when it comes to you. I don’t see reason, or ways, or plans. And it hurt like shit when you chose logic. But then again, what’s the point? I’ll continue not seeing logic and you’ll continue following it.

4:05am: I invite you in.

6am: You’ve set me back to square one. Whatever little progress I’d made has been reduced to dust. You leave without a word. You don’t even look back. You don’t even say my name once. I make a solemn vow to myself to never let you in again, knowing that whenever, if at all, you call again, I’ll go running back to you.

7am: I laugh at myself. My arrogance got the better of me. What I thought could never break me has shattered me to pieces. I get up from the bed and start getting ready to spend yet another day in this mayhem we call “world”

No quitting. 

Yeah, this isn’t about “Not to give up on hope” kind of post. I gave up on hope a year ago.

This is about smoking. Let me take you back 2 years. I absolutely loathed smokers. I thought it was a nasty habit with absolutely no plus sides. I didn’t understand why anyone would want to inhale tobacco smoke. I’ve had major fights about this with people. I’ve done lame shit lime make people swear on my head that they’d never smoke again. If that were the case I would’ve been beheaded a thousand times. 

Now, I’m here typing this after smoking 5 of them myself. It started last new year. It was the first time I ever smoked and it was not pretty. My lungs burnt for 3 days. But then in May I smoked hash for the first time. It did absolutely nothing. It was a waste of money. But then I smoked another cigarette. That worked. 

I don’t admit this fact that I smoke. In fact not even a handful of  people know I do this. I’m kinda surprised my mom hasn’t found out yet. I don’t even chew a gum after I smoke. 

I’ve tried quitting but I don’t really have any reason to do so. I don’t want to live long. I’m not worried about some kind of cancer, either. It doesn’t even smell after 10 minutes so there goes my worry about smelling bad. Well, I will admit it is a little expensive, because I don’t work anymore. But I manage that part. 

I’ve been doing my best to lie as little as possible since almost two years now. But if asked about this, I’ll straight out deny it. I don’t care if they saw me firsthand smoking outside of The Nest (which is the only place where I smoke apart from my roof) I’ll deny it.

Most of all, I’m allowed to have bad habit. At least I’m not snorting cocaine before my morning coffee. I can have one guilty indulgence. 

So anyone who called me a hypocrite, you were right.

Congratulations.

You can go suck it.