Tag Archives: love

Starlight

If I close my eyes right now, you’re so close to me that I can touch my skin to yours.

I breathe you in and your scent sends jolts of electricity throughout my body, making my mouth water and covering me in goosebumps.

You haven’t even touched me yet and I can hardly breathe. You haven’t even lifted a finger yet and my heart beats a tattoo against my chest and right in that moment I know I belong to you; body and soul.

I look at your mouth and it has never looked better than when it’s  almost about to collide with mine.

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You are my sin.

You are my downfall.

You’ll be my death.

One look  in my direction and I forget my religion.

One hand in my hair and I lose all my inhibitions. 

I have always been a sinner but no sin has ever felt as good as the one we haven’t even committed yet. 

You might not be the one for me, but you’re sure as hell the one that I want. I want to be putty in your hands. I want to be your soldier. I want to be your peace.

Your love may never be mine but it’ll never forget the way my body felt beneath it.

You may not love me; not today, not tomorrow, and even not ten years from now. It doesn’t matter to me. I love you and that’s enough for me.

I might not survive you; but maybe I wouldn’t want to.

You might not love me but I wouldn’t know how to love without you.

So for now, let’s just sin together. I’ll take on yours, too.

Let’s be unholy under the stars.

I’ve never had any virtue, anyway.

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Unsaid.

Bro, Let me tell you how fucking crazy life has been these past couple of months.

Okay, maybe not really crazy but crazy in my head.

A little bit of of both, We’ll compromise.

I am in love. I am so in love it’s not even funny.

I have been in love, before. But now, after five fucking years of crying my heart out I’m not so sure that I was. If you would have asked me in February I would have said that I would never be able to move on from that, but now in April I feel like I’m…cleansed?

I don’t know how to explain it. There’s this person who literally feels like sunshine. A person who just makes me feel calm and fucking listens to me no matter what.

I told him the bad things I’d done and it felt like a weight has been lifted off my body. The sadness in my chest doesn’t exist around him.

This is love, I know it. Its familiar but it’s different.

I have no expectations from him. There’s almost no chance that something is going to come out of this. In fact, I’m sure he does not feel the same way. And that’s fine with me. If there’s one thing I’ve learned about myself is that I’m good with unrequited love.

I will also pepper in the fact that this…whatever we have between us is so precious to me that I don’t even feel like telling anyone about it. I have like 3 friends and I tell them everything. In fact where boys are concerned, I tell my mom everything. But this? This is mine and I’m not willing to let the world taint it.

I really just want the best for him, man. Like genuinely he deserves eveything good that this world has to offer. He works so hard and he’s been through so much, I just want peace and contentment and happiness in his life. Even if I’m not a part of it.

I don’t want want to ruin this one good thing that has happened to me after so long.

I don’t need to say those words to him.

I don’t need him to feel the same about me

I’m so grateful for what I have, I don’t even care about what I might never have.

Paradise

We aren’t where we started.

We aren’t where we ended, either.

We’re far away from that place and those moments.

Right now, at this second, the only thing I remember is how you looked at me this morning and the only thing I feel is your eyes on me.

Beaches and sunsets, strawberries with champagne, and cigarettes and skin; this is what I’ll take with me when we return to that place.

This will end.

You will leave me, again.

Other people will burst our bubble, again.

You’ll still know there’s me out there, who loves you more than I’m capable of.

I’ll still wonder if you ever really did.

Whatever happens, I want you to know,

This Paradise was worth the hell that’ll follow

To you.

I haven’t slept in days. I haven’t been able to think in weeks. I haven’t been happy in months and I haven’t known peace in years.

I’ve known bodies of strangers. I’ve let them know mine. I’ve been places with them. I’ve woken up and slept besides them. I’ve welcomed them and let them go.

I’ve made them laugh, made them cry, made them sad and made them happy. I’ve seen parts of them they wouldn’t let anyone else see.

They didn’t make me happy or sad. I’ve lied and said they bring me joy, while all they bring me is an escape from an aching loneliness.

That’s okay.

I stopped mourning your loss. I’ve stopped looking at your pictures, I actually threw them all away. Every note you wrote me now lies one with the dirt. I deleted every trace that lead me to you.

But right now, at this very moment, I miss you to a point where I don’t think I can’t function. I miss you so much I think it’s tangible, like I’ll somehow be able to call you back home.

I’ve come to realize that it was my destiny to love you and for you to not. It might as well be my purpose to live; to love you beyond inhibitions. To always be yours. To always be happy only with you.

And that’s okay, too.

Whatever you do, wherever you are, I’ll miss you.

I’ll love you.

Always.

Love you.

It’s been a long time since I’ve held you close enough to feel your heart.

It’s been a long time since you’ve looked at me like I’m a part of your world.

Days have turned into years and I think I’ve forgotten what your voice feels like.

It’s midnight and I’m a little drunk and all I can think of is how the fuck did we not make it?

I love you more than anything in this world and yet somehow it’s not enough? I’d give up anything and everything for you, and still it’s been a year since I even heard about you?

It’s been a long time since someone has made me feel the way you do. It feels like a lifetime has passed and I still haven’t found anyone who’ll love me like you did. Maybe I won’t. Maybe that’s the point.

Years have passed and still I think about you every single day. I might have a problem, I’ll admit that. I want it to be over, too.

I want to move on, too.

But how will I ever love someone when I’ve already given all of it to you?

It’s been a long time since I’ve said that I love you. It’s been a long time since you said you love me, too.

It’s been a long time but here I am again, feeling like an idiot asking you to love me back.

I love you

Catching up

It amazes me how dumb I am.

Everyday I reach a new low.

Screw academics, I’m dumb as an all over individual, and this dumbness really doesn’t seem to be leaving me. I don’t think there’s a cure for how dumb I am.

It’s not only my incapacity of being an adult, it is also the results I get because of how dumb I am.

I turn that saying I came, I saw, I conquered into I came, I saw, I embarrassed myself.

There are too many instances of those, I can’t even begin to tell you about it. I’ll sit down on a clearly unfinished chair, say weird shit to people I met like five minutes ago, and also forget how to talk when I need it the most. I’m not one to say words like “Woke”, but count on me to say in front of actual professional adults.

I know what the problem is. See until a few years ago, honesty was a problem with me. When I stopped lying, I didn’t know that I won’t just lose my ability to make things up, but I’ll also lose the filter in my mouth. Like earlier I used to keep my bad jokes to myself, laugh at it for hours, and enjoy it but now, I feel the need to share it with others, which doesn’t bring any joy to anyone, it just earns me weird looks and curses.

But despite me being a dumbass, I’ve been doing good. I don’t talk to a lot of people, sure, but I guess that’s okay. I don’t want to talk to anyone new, especially a boy or something like that. I don’t k now how to talk to boys. They say things and I don’t understand them. They’ll be speaking like a proper human being and my outdated brain would not be able to comprehend what they said. Like this one dude was in town, and I hadn’t ever met him before so he asked if he could meet for all three days he was here and I made up an excuse on all of them. Because first, he could be a serial killer for all I know and second, I knew  I’d embarrass myself so why do it? I once accidentally said to a friend of me “Dude, that’s not how I like to be choked” and he didn’t talk to me for 3 months. There was no way in hell I was going to take this chance again. I never know what’s coming out of my mouth so I just minimize the chances of speaking altogether.

Leaving that aside, my hair is finally the color I wanted it to be!!! It’s very blue and green and what’s normally called “mermaid hair”. Ever since I drastically changed my hair, it wasn’t quite what I had imagined. There was always something I had to compromise on, but this time, I couldn’t have asked for more it turned out to be so so so great!

Now, time for this time’s playlist. There isn’t much, because I’ve been reading too much to listen or to browse more music.

  1. Nice for What- Drake
  2. Wild Thoughts- Rihanna & Bryson Tyler
  3. Ship to Wreck- Florence and the Machine
  4. Satisfied- Hamilton, the musical
  5. Chun Li- Nicki Minaj
  6. I like it- Cardi B ft. SZA
  7. All the Stars- Kendrick Lamar ft SZA
  8. Love lies- Khalid ft Normani
  9. Ten feet Tall- Afrojack ft Wrabel
  10. Tere Bina- A.R. Rahman
  11. IDGAF- Dua Lipa
  12. Bandaged Hand- Louden Swain
  13. Brother- NEEDTOBREATHE
  14. Me- The 1975
  15. Sleep on the Floor- The Lumineers
  16. Without you- Oh, Wonder
  17. Drive- Oh, Wonder
  18. Bad Habit- The kooks
  19. Robbers- The 1975
  20. Call out my Name- The Weeknd

I guess that’s it for now. I hope everyone’s going good. 😀

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Loony Tunes

Okay my petite croissants I’ve got some more amazing music for you all followed by a rant that even I don’t know about yet. So the music is :

  1. Cake – Long time
  2. The Walters – I love you so
  3. Kygo ft Selena Gomez – It ain’t me
  4. Aurora – Running with the wolves
  5. Mogwai – Take me somewhere nice
  6. Foo Fighters – Aurora
  7. Alex Turner – Hiding tonight
  8. Vince Staples – BagBak
  9. Iron- Cinder and Smoke
  10. Youth- Daughter
  11. Cage the Elephant- Instant Crush (cover)
  12. Kendrick Lamar ft U2- xxx
  13. Kendrick Lamar ft Rihanna- Loyalty
  14. Panic! At the Disco – Don’t threaten me with a good time
  15. Marshmallow ft Selena Gomez – Wolves
  16. Cake – I will survive
  17. Kendrick Lamar ft SZA : All the stars
  18. Vance Joy – Riptide
  19. Cigarettes after sex – K.
  20. Panic! At the Disco : I write sins not tragedies
  21.  Selena Gomez ft Gucci Mane : Fetish
  22. Cage the Elephant : Trouble
  23. The 1975 : Me
  24. The Marias : I don’t know you
  25. Panic! at the Disco : This is Gospel
  26. Varsity : So sad, so sad
  27. Jye – A shitty love song
  28. Angus and Julia Stone – Chateau
  29. Gregory Alan Isakov – If I go, I’m going
  30. Angus and Julia Stone: Down the way

This is all I can remember for now, but I’m thinking to start a journal of all the music that I find and absolutely love, so it’s easier to keep track of them in the future. I’m hoping that from now on, almost in every new post I can share some new music ( or music that is new to me) with everyone because literally nothing makes me happier than finding music that leaves me with goosebumps.

Now for the rant, I think I have finally figured out that I need to take control of what I want. If I want to graduate doing what I love, I have to make efforts. If I want to have a chance of making it as a writer, I need to make it happen for myself. I can’t keep giving up. If I want to live a stress and drama free life, I need to keep minding my own business.

And I think I’m going to get a dog. Ill be staying at home most of the time anyway from next month, apart from like seven hours a day. I would really like to love and take care of something, man.

 

 

Changed 

“I love you.” 

Right now I’m not sure if I do anymore, but I say it anyway because it’s all that I am. I can’t remember what you look like very clearly, or even recall the sound of your voice. I’m not the same person you left and you’re not the same person I love. I love you in a way that you’re my whole world yet I would rather not feel like that ever again. 

But I know I love you because that’s the only reality I’ve known. I know I love you because I can’t love anything else. I know I love you because you’re my whole life, even if you’re not in it. 

I know that I love you. 

I find it comforting to hold on to this fading emotion because I know what it feels like and who isn’t a sucker for familiarity? 


*picture credit I’m not really sure about, it’s just a picture I found in my archives.  All credits go to the original photographer, not me. 

After

​Now that I’m ashes and bones, talk about me.

Tell everyone how I was your whole world and you loved me. Talk about the times I made you so happy you could die. Play my favorite songs and say how you never thought I’d leave. Hear them tell you the lies you wish to hear right now, how it’s not your fault and that you shouldn’t feel guilty. Let the people you hate comfort you in your time of need. Give the speech you wrote. Oh, say those words like you mean them. Like you really did love me. Like you never could live without me. Like you’ll miss me.

Flaunt the curve of your lips and hear the best applause you’ll ever get. Shed a tear or two, to make your words more believable as the people start to leave.

Go home and get as drunk as humanly possible on your fucking guilt. Place my ashes on the mantle so I’ll always be before your eyes. Write a letter to me with hands that can’t stand still and then burn it because that’s the only way I’ll ever know what you felt.

Cry and scream my name so hard you can never say anyone else’s name ever again. Oh, yes, beg me to come back to life. Fall on your knees in front of God and cry for mercy, like I did. Ask him to bring me back to you and feel him reject you, like I did. 

Lie to my God and tell Him you’ll change. Lie your fucking ass off, come one. Make your lies so convincing that you fool yourself. Lie, fucker, lie and scream so damn loud that The Devil shakes in hell.  Deny your crimes so hard that they almost turn true. 


Now you’re asleep and yet you can see me. You hear me and I’m so deep in your fucking head that you think you can smell the crook of my neck. You can reach for me, be so close and yet not enough to touch me. You understand me now, yeah. You can see it through me and you fucked me up. You can feel my pain and hear my pleas. That chill down the spine? Get used to it, because it’ll haunt you till the day you join me. 

I should know.

Your fate is that you’ll love me more than you ever did. You’ll miss me so hard it’ll burn through your gut. You’ll see me everywhere you go, in every conversation you ever have. In the pretty faces of those around you to every thought you ever have. I’ll be there.  To remind you what you did to someone who only ever loved you. 

But now that I’m dead, at least you love me.


I’m sorry 

This whole self esteem issue is driving me insane. I don’t know how I let the words of a mean-ass bitch cut through my skin. It had taken me better part of the last two years to be comfortable within my own skin. Not just me, I used to urge people to do the same, too. I still do, but now I feel like a hypocrite. 

So I wrote this “thing” to just get it out of my head because I really can’t keep it in any longer, I’ll go crazier. 

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry I’m not skinny like the other girls you like so much. I’m sorry I’m not as beautiful as your last one. I’m sorry you find me funny to look at. I’m sorry you had to put up with catfish after you’d had caviar. I’m sorry for not being fairer. I’m sorry for not having the perfect face. I’m sorry for my stretch marks over which I had no control. I’m sorry for my skin reacting the way it was evolved to. I’m sorry for my nose, and I’m sorry you had to look at it. I’m sorry for not having a symmetrical body so it’s appearance could please you more. I’m sorry my butt is spotted with cellulite. I’m sorry my breasts aren’t as identical as you’d like it to be. I’m sorry the sight of me makes you cringe. 

I’m sorry, even know it’s not my fault. 

I’m sorry for it all. 

*Picture by Sanjana Dawani. Seriously, stop what you’re doing right now and check out her page on Instagram.