Monthly Archives: December 2013

New Year, my a**

It’s a two hours to strike the clock 12 in India. Everywhere I can hear, there’s loud music. Everywhere I can see, there’s people choking themselves on food. Everywhere I go, I see people dressed up for parties. It’s a fest out there for party freaks.

What I’m doing for New Year? 

I’m in my PJs, studying methods to find of National Income. I’m in my worst clothes with hair like a haystack.  After finding out a nation’s national income by Product method, Income method and expenditure method, I think I’ll move on to personal disposable income of an individual. After that, I might solve a few cash flow statements.

Why am I doing this, you ask? Well, that might be because I can’t go anywhere after 8 in the evening. It doesn’t matter to my parents that it’s the last day of the year. My brother can go out and party all night but I can’t. Why, you ask again? Because I’m a girl. I can’t go out after 8, especially at a night like this because streets are filled with perverts.

So, if this “New Year” is going to bring a change in people’s mentality, then, and only then will I wish anyone “Happy New Year.” Anyways, why do we put a “Happy” in the greeting? What’s so happy about a new year? I’ve heard people say that it’s all about a brand new year ahead, a clean slate, an empty book or whatever. How do you know it’s going to be good? How do you know that someone is going to be “Happy” in the next year? What are you, a psychic? Do you see the future of someone when you meet them? If not, then keep you damn “Happy” new year to yourself.

But, you don’t always have to listen to me. I’m just pissed right now. I hate that I’m stuck at home with studies and other people are enjoying their asses off. I didn’t fight my parents, because they have a point, too. I don’t have a boyfriend who’ll “Protect” me if something bad happens. Being a teenage girl in India, who doesn’t have a chauffeur to drive her around, does have it’s limitations. 

This day has already been a bust for so long, as it already is. I don’t know why, I feel like talking to someone and crying my damn heart off. I don’t know why, I just want to do that. Then, I read all those Facebook statuses about New Year resolutions and all that crap. I can bet that hardly a handful of human population actually keep their new year resolutions.

So, if in the next hour, someone wishes me a “Happy” new year, they might not live to see the new year.

To everyone for whom every new year is a big deal, I really do wish you all the best, and I  can only hope that the next year may be better than this one.

Things you just don’t say…

What we say, reflects a lot about who we are. It’s basically the base of our social image. How you talk, when do you talk, with whom do you talk? Things like this create a platform for us in the society.

I’m the definition of an awkward teenager. I’m an introvert, I don’t talk to a lot of people, I prefer books to an actual person, and I’m brilliant. I’m not being cocky, that’s just the way I am 😉 Jokes apart, and getting down to the point of this post. 

A professor from USA came to my friend’s house for a couple of days. He was actually a delight to talk to and to gain knowledge from. His fiance on the other hand, not so much. I don’t know why, the things she said kind of made me question her sanity. I don’t know what was wrong with her. She made almost hundred racist assumption about Indians in half an hour, most of them which made my witty senses hike. I’m not saying that everyone who does’t live in southern Asia is like that. I’m just saying that some people have a hard time expressing or analyzing the appropriate the appropriate things to say.

Here are a few things that she said to me, along with my mental replies to that, which you should just avoid saying to an Indian.

1. How come you people speak so amazing English?

Yes, lady, we speak English. I’m impeccable at that, and it’s something I’m proud of. Also, we’re the second largest English speaking population in the world. We speak Hindi, our State’s language, and are capable of understand Higher Level Hindi, too. Yes, there are levels to Hindi, too. It’s not only what Indians speak.

2. So you speak Hindu?

Absolutely. I speak Muslim, Christian, Sikh, too. What the hell? Hindu is not a language, it’s a religion, damn it!

3. Can you teach me Yoga?

Yes, I could try. Though you’d end up like a pretzel, but sure? Why not? Asking a teenager to teach you Yoga will be the smartest thing you ever do!

4. How come India is in Asia, but you aren’t Asian?

Well, that might be because there’s thing called archaeology which proved that all Indians (Northern) came from the Indus Valley, who came from Europe. We’re Aryans (North Indiana), lady, not Dravids (South Indians). Seriously, did you not study History at all?

5. You should go into tech support. Isn’t that what you people do?

Of course. That’s what we do. 1.3 billion people take calls from Western countries all day long. Urgh! Why the hell would I go into tech support of BPO industry? I’m highly technologically challenged.

6. Do you only eat spicy food?

Yes, we eat raw chilies for breakfast, lunch and dinner. That probably might be because all of our taste buds were destroyed at birth, and we’re immune to any kind of taste unless it’s doused in hot sauce. Do you want me to pour some into your mouth? Like, right now? Here’s the thing, guys. We don’t only eat spicy food. We have a digestive system which can be harmed by excessive amount of chilies. But, yeah, we do have a high tolerance for spices, but that doesn’t mean that all we eat is curry.

7. Why do you need so many gods?

They give me the patience and spiritual fortitude to keep from punching ignorant people, like yourself. Another thing about us Indians, just because our religion has so many gods, doesn’t mean that we need each and every one of them. Our gods are a lot similar to the Greek ones. They used to pray nature gods, and so do we. Name a natural phenomenon and we’ve got a god for that. Personally, I believe in only one god, and that is the god with no name, no face, and no stories. I just know there is one, and he/she is okay with me not praying to him 24/7.

8. Have you ever ridden on top of a train? It looks like fun!

I ride on top of trains only when my Elephant is broken and my camel is in garage. What do you think, dumb-dumb? While we’re at it, why don’t I throw you on top of one right now? 

9. Cricket is…like a lame version of baseball, right?

What the f***???!!! TAKE THAT BACK. NOW. Take that shit back and no one gets hurt. That is something you just don’t even think. Even if you have a mind capable of thinking such a wicked thing, you don’t say it out loud. Especially in front of an Indian. You just don’t freaking say it. EVER.

10. You must really love math!

I don’t even know enough math to count all the racist assumptions you’ve made today. Math and I have a mutual understand where I don’t study it, and it doesn’t fight me. As simple as that.

11. It’s all like “Slumdog Millionaire” right?

100% Would you like me to start by shoving your eyes out of your sockets?

If you have said those things to an Indian…then, the best you can do is avoid it the next time. Curiosity about a country’s culture is another things, and making assumptions based on what you’ve heard is something entirely different. Catering to someone’s curiosity is something I can do. But being a subject to people’s assumptions is what takes me off the edge. If you’re one of the sane ones who haven’t said any of the above things, then I appreciate you, and urge you to maintain your sanity for times ahead, too.

We speak pretty awesome English, we eat all kinds of food, and we do a lot more than tech support. We aren’t born with yoga hardwired into our brains and we don’t dance around on top of trains like they do in Bollywood movies. Mathematics isn’t a die-hard interest of every Indian. There are some of us who think that studying math after 10th standard is pointless, unless you want to pursue it on a higher level. Having so many gods is something which is a matter of belief and opinion. I belong to a Bramhin family who are “meant” to be religious and all that crap. I’m not a speck of that. I’m spiritual and I believe in all the religions all around the world. I do that out of respect. Oh, yeah, the most important thing. Do not, in any condition, ever…say that Cricket is lame. Don’t even think that. It’s not like baseball, and it is most definitely not a lamer version of it. Who would say such a thing?

Seriously, it’s funny at first to us, too. But in the end, it gets annoying, and then downright offensive.

Please,  avoid such future remarks. 

Sarkar dwara janhit mein jaari. (Issued in public welfare)

 

 

Re-connecting..

I might’ve rambled in the previous posts about how I’ve always lost friends. I’ve cried, and whined, and quite frankly, I’ve been a cry-baby about it. I mean, quite frankly, when I read those posts, I remind myself of the person I’ve always avoided being. I mean, seriously, I was like, “What’s wrong with you? Don’t you have any self worth whatsoever?!”

Then, a very wise man’s words came in front of my eyes “You are young and will go on to meet new people. Better people. People who value who you truly are. They won’t be many, but then thats ok right? You must believe.”

I took his advice and I believed. I believed in having hope. I mean, at first, being optimistic sucked. Every day was like I was gong into a battlefield, hoping to win. Sometimes I did, and sometimes I lost. There were more good days than bad ones.

Finally, I think I have the group of people I want to surround myself with. I’ve been contacted by friends which I thought I’ve lost. It was out of the blue, and there were issues to be solved. Regardless, I found people who loved me for who I am, no changes, no corrections and no grudges. I found a whole lot of people who wanted me back into their lives. I made some new ones, too.

I realized that loosing fake friends isn’t exactly my loss. It’s my gain, in fact. I didn’t need them. I moved on, I knew that I deserved better than to be discarded as unimportant. I am important, and now, I know it.

So, here’s to a new year, with new friends, and a brand new life! I can’t believe that in June’14, I’ll be in college! In my eyes, I’m still a kid who has no idea how to do laundry! I’ll officially be a grown up, and I’ll turn 18! Can’t wait for that to day to come. High School will finally be over, and all that drama can be put aside. I’ll be starting with a clean slate, with a group of people supporting me who have nothing apart from love for me.

In all this craziness, in the past few months, I’m really glad that you guys have been here to support me. I wish nothing but the best for you this new year…

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Asking Questions…

I’m a part of my colony’s Teenager’s club. It’s way, way lamer than it sounds. I have to go once in a while because my grandma tells me to. There’s no real sharing among kids. They don’t talk about their life, schools, colleges, tensions…nothing. It’s like a big fish market most of the time. Guys check out girls and girls give them things to check out.

It’s super lame and super weird. Yet, everyone shows their faces because their parents tell them to. We had absolutely no adult to guide us through this whole hour of stupidity. This was unless my therapist came back around November-end from Moscow, just for a few days. He’s a genius who can sometimes irritate the hell out of you. He’s distantly related to me, so he’s more like an older brother than a therapist. He’s looked out of me before, when I was too deviated from the person I am.

So, he came to that meeting one day and distributed these papers to us. It had 20 questions printed on it. There were 16 of us in that room. My friend wasn’t able to come because of a wedding, so I was alone there. Here are my answers to those questions.

Q1. Do you love yourself? I do now.

Q2. Do you love your family? Most of the time.

Q3. How many Facebook friends do you have? 90 something.

Q4. Are you interested in gossip? of course I am. I’m a girl!

Q5. What was the last movie you watched at you home? Thor:The dark world.

Q6. What are your top 5 favorite songs?Love the way you lie-Eminem, Bad things-Meiko, Breathless-Shankar Mahadevan, Royals-Lorde, Iktara-Kavita Seth.

Q7. Do you read a lot of books? A lot might be an understatement.

Q8. Who is your favorite author? F. Scott Fitzgerald.

Q9. Do you have a crush on someone? Yes, yes I do.

Q10. Who is that someone? (Vague answers accepted) Your (My therapist’s) younger brother. 

Q11. Which was the last YouTube video you watched? Imagine Dragons-Demons.

Q12. Are you a planner? Yep! Got the next ten years of my life organized in my head.

Q13.Do you follow those plans? Hardly.

Q14. Do you find yourself attractive? No, I find myself the definition of a dork.

Q15. Do you think you’re fat? Hell, yeah.

Q16. What is your favorite TV show? Two Broke Girls and Friends. They’re freaking hilarious.

Q17. Do you hate the people who have left you over the years? No, I don’t hate-hate them. 

Q18. How do you feel when you see those people? I feel like I should run the hell out of there. I do NOT like seeing those people.

Q19.Do you hate someone in this room? Yes, I do.

Q20. Are you willing to change that?

This last question left me thinking. Was I willing to change that? I mean, I only hated them because they never behaved properly towards me. They left me out of the group and made me feel unwanted. That was 10 years ago. So, were they different now? I judged them because of something they did 10 years ago. Then it hit me that who the hell was I to judge? I’d done some pretty questionable things myself. If I’m forgive-able, then why aren’t they?

My therapist took our papers back within 10 minutes and my lest question went unanswered. He told us to share any 2 questions and their answers with each other. Some shared their songs, movies, videos with each other. Mostly, their second answers were to the last questions. Out of 16, 9 people answered that question and said that yes, they were willing to work towards not hating everyone in that place. I answered that question aloud, too. Yes, I am willing to change my feelings, but only if the other party co-operates. So, now I have a movie-date set to go with two girls I hate most in the world, but now, I’m willing to change that and so are they.

After this deep discussion, we all discussed the elections in Delhi, where Arving Kejriwal is set to sit in the opposition. 

 

The reasons why

You see, I’m a complicated person. I’m happy, I’m sad, I’m furious, I’m rebellious, I’m just…me. So, there is a very complex reason why I was out of touch with WordPress for two months. My grandfather (Mum’s dad) passed away in October. It’s accurate to say that I lost my head. I knew that losing one more person was going to push me over the edge of sanity. It kind of did, too. I didn’t cry at his funeral. I pushed them back from my eyes as they carried him away in front of him. I saw how cancer had turned a roaring lion into a defeated, weak sheep. I almost screamed when I last saw him being carried away. I stayed inside while others followed him out of the house. The cries were too much for me to bear, so I hid in the bathroom, washed my face and looked at myself in the mirror. I kept chanting in my head, “You can’t cry. You can’t cry. YOU CAN’T CRY!” Well, maybe because everyone kept telling me that I had to be strong for my mother. No one thought that I might need a shoulder to cry on, too. An ex-friend called me once. All she said to me was that I needed to be strong. I needed to be firm for my mum. I understood her at that time but as soon as she hung up, that throbbing pain in my chest returned. It was like someone was trying to tear me apart from within. It became too unbearable to stand straight. It became too much for me to think, to breathe, to feel. In that moment, everything was clear to me.

I didn’t need to feel. I mean, why should I? Things are good in my life for a while when someone new comes in it. Then they leave, leaving me miserable all over again. My father gives me hope that he’s changed, and then he takes it all away in a heartbeat. So, why should I feel? I just needed one reason to keep on feeling, but I couldn’t. There was simply no reason to feel. No one to talk to. No one to share all this crap with, and absolutely no one to tell me that it was all going to be okay.

I switched the world out for ten days. I used to go to school, put on a freaking fake smile and get through one day at a time. I had people around me who genuinely cared for me, and wanted me to be happy. But to me, at that time, it didn’t matter. I wouldn’t have felt different if I were stuck in the classroom all day long. Nothing actually held importance anymore. What was the point in studying economics, accountancy and share market when there was nothing left? Why even bother studying when this year had taken everything I had? I lost a total of six people this year, who meant a lot to me. These are just the ones who died. I lost three people who had a part in building me, who ended up walking out me. That was routine for me, too. So, I gave up writing. Because whenever I write, things come flooding out of my brain into the paper.
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And I didn’t want to feel. I gave up reading, too. For a whole month, I didn’t read, and I didn’t write. Anything. (School curriculum books included)

Then, to top everything else up, I got sick. I’m talking really, really sick, details of which I just don’t like discussing. I don’t want sympathy. Anyways, I didn’t go to school for a week and got a surgery. I didn’t tell any of my friends that I was sick. I didn’t actually look sick, either. It was something internal and controllable by meds, but only up to an extent. At the end, I couldn’t avoid the surgery. I came back to school, pretending like nothing happened. To this day, none of my friends, apart from one, know that I had a surgery done. I even made my parents swear that they’d never tell anyone about this. The medicines made me gain weight, and now, I’m fatter than I used to be five months ago. In a nutshell, I was a depressed, sick and fat teenager for one month. Not exactly my ideal reason to take a break from school.

Then came Diwali. I have no idea what happened to me that week. I think it was the tight slap on my cheek my friend shook me from within. This friend, the person I can truly call a friend, found about my surgery through my grandmother. She marched up to my room and landed her fist on my cheek. At first, I didn’t know what hit me. Then I realized that I could hear a ringing in my ear. I shook my head and came back to Earth.

“You’re a bitch, you know that?” She yelled at me and the hugged me hard.

Me and her, we’d had our problems in the past. We had fought, not talked, patched up, and been through all that already. But this person, my friend, my Bhavini (That’s her name), did not leave. I hid almost everything from her. My craziness, my need, everything. She turned out to be just as mental as I am. Her slap made me realize that, Holy crap, she cared. She cared about me, even after everything that we’d put each other through.

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Then, during Diwali, we were like the inseparable twins. That was the first time in my life that I felt…normal. Not someone who’d just had surgery, not someone who was toxic, but someone who was just normal. We went out shopping together, I met her friends, and I laughed with them, played video games with them. I’m normal for the first time in my life and I love it. I love shopping, shoes, did I mention that I have my first real crush now? All of the above are just symptoms that I am normal. There isn’t something insanely abnormal about me. I just have slightly more issues than anyone else, but I can’t let that effect me. I know I’ll get better as I grow up, eventually.

To put a cherry on top, I had the best Children’s’ day ever. Now I know that I’m not a child anymore, but my school took a trip out. It was one of the best days of my life. We went full on crazy on the dance floor. Some might even say that we were possessed. I loved that day, and I loved the people around me. Of course, I still love them. I got to witness some memories that I’ll cherish for the rest of my life.

Life was finally good.
After two months of my grandfather dying, I found the courage to get back into the blogging world. I know that I haven’t been around much since then, but that is because of my exams. But whenever I can find time, and wherever I find time, I log into my WordPress account before I log into Facebook.

That’s because I love everyone here, even though their existence in my life is just virtual, but they help me see things differently, and they get me through difficult times without even knowing it.

I’m sorry that I have been away. I don’t think it’ll ever happen again, but if it does, it will only have two reasons; my exams or technical difficulties with my laptop or the internet.

Thank you, everyone, for things I can’t even explain. 

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