Monthly Archives: April 2017

A little hypocrisy? 

I don’t have a leg to stand on when it comes to judging anyone. I’m the third most horrible person I know.  So basically, not a lot of things bother me about other people. They can do whatever they want to do. I honestly don’t care. I’m no one to tell anyone else how to live their lives so usually I maintain my safe distance from crap like this.

But today I would like to talk about sex.

 I don’t have any “superstitions” related to sex. I couldn’t care less about this whole “You’ll go to hell if you have sex without getting married” thing. If I’m going to hell, trust me it’s because I’ve done a lot of things wrong and this would be the last reason I get sent to hell. Funnily enough, I read a quote that said “Loose your virginity early in life. It helps you focus on bigger things.” I have never read anything as true in my life. I’m not saying do it as soon as possible. No, do it whenever you actually want to. But in the end, your “virginity” doesn’t define you. Have sex if you want to, don’t have sex if you don’t want to. It really is as simple as that. 

 I don’t care about who’s having sex with whom.  It’s completely absolutely their business. I’m not in charge of their bodies or who they decide to share it with. Also, when it comes to sex, people will do what they want to do. You can advice them not to do something but in the end they’ll do what they want. So I don’t waste my breath trying to tell anyone what to do, because in the end it’s not me they’re affecting. 

But I’m a little worried on two specific fronts. 

The first one is more scientific and the other one is a little towards the mental status of the society I live in.

So the first thing I’m worried about is people not using protection. Like what the fuck is up with that? Are you that keen on getting some STD or becoming a parent that early in life? Dude, it is seriously not okay to skip this. Now, I’m worried because I don’t have to sleep with anyone in order to catch an STD. This affects me, and everyone else around you. You’re not just putting yourself and your partner at risk, but everyone you hang out with. Like, what if we share lipstick? Or I use the washroom at your place? Not just me, but literally everyone around you. What’s the fun in that, man? It’s disgusting. Even if you’re on birth control, what if your partner caught it from someone else after you both got checked? And talking about birth control, it can fail too, you know. Everything can fail. You could end up pregnant. Obviously this doesn’t apply to you if you’re legit trying to reproduce. I’m talking about people who are, are (give or take five years) my age.  I hear all these girls having sex without protection and then they miss their periods. Every time this happens, my blood pressure goes up.  (I get so worried that I have to remind myself that it’s not happening to me and that I couldn’t possibly be pregnant.) Like what were you doing man what kind of an idiot are you that you decided to have sex without protection? If your partner “suggested” this then he’s an idiot and you’re also one for listening to him and you both belong together. Then the next step becomes either an abortion or some such kit that’s available. Now, I’ve been told that if you abort your first fetus then it becomes nearly impossible to conceive. I’m not really sure about this because it’s something I’ve heard from other girls. Could be false but do you really want to take the risk? It’s really simple. If you’re having sex, use protection.

The second thing that really pisses me off is dudes bragging about who they’ve had sex with. In all fairness, girls do this too. Probably in much more details than guys do. A whole committee sits down to hear what the girl has to say. Do they spill too much information? Yes. But do they brag? No. It’s really not the same thing because we don’t start thinking that the dude our friend had sex with is a slut. Guys, on the other hand, not so much. I mean, yeah I could be wrong and you have the best friends on the planet, but I’m speaking about what I’ve heard. My own so-called “friends” have bragged about sleeping with someone, or getting to third base with someone. It’s gross on all levels and it’s so not cool. While I’m being told these things some poor girl’s trust is being broken. In my opinion, no one should talk about what they do in private to a third person. It’s as personal as it gets. Why do you have to parade the fact that you got laid? If only the two people talked to each other about these things, then they wouldn’t have problems. 

This situation also includes these so called “Friends with Benefits.” Half the people don’t know the difference between this and a person you just have sex with. You have to actually be someone’s friend and act like it to be considered under the former category. The latter I don’t support that much. I mean,  I personally wouldn’t like to be in that situation. Again, it’s not my life so, do whatever you want. 

Know when someone is your friend and when someone is just taking advantage of the fact that you’ll not say no. Your mental health comes way, way before your libido. In the end, if you’re okay with it then it really doesn’t matter what anyone say. (This doesn’t include spreading STDs to everyone you know.)

Also, listen to your gut.

After

​Now that I’m ashes and bones, talk about me.

Tell everyone how I was your whole world and you loved me. Talk about the times I made you so happy you could die. Play my favorite songs and say how you never thought I’d leave. Hear them tell you the lies you wish to hear right now, how it’s not your fault and that you shouldn’t feel guilty. Let the people you hate comfort you in your time of need. Give the speech you wrote. Oh, say those words like you mean them. Like you really did love me. Like you never could live without me. Like you’ll miss me.

Flaunt the curve of your lips and hear the best applause you’ll ever get. Shed a tear or two, to make your words more believable as the people start to leave.

Go home and get as drunk as humanly possible on your fucking guilt. Place my ashes on the mantle so I’ll always be before your eyes. Write a letter to me with hands that can’t stand still and then burn it because that’s the only way I’ll ever know what you felt.

Cry and scream my name so hard you can never say anyone else’s name ever again. Oh, yes, beg me to come back to life. Fall on your knees in front of God and cry for mercy, like I did. Ask him to bring me back to you and feel him reject you, like I did. 

Lie to my God and tell Him you’ll change. Lie your fucking ass off, come one. Make your lies so convincing that you fool yourself. Lie, fucker, lie and scream so damn loud that The Devil shakes in hell.  Deny your crimes so hard that they almost turn true. 


Now you’re asleep and yet you can see me. You hear me and I’m so deep in your fucking head that you think you can smell the crook of my neck. You can reach for me, be so close and yet not enough to touch me. You understand me now, yeah. You can see it through me and you fucked me up. You can feel my pain and hear my pleas. That chill down the spine? Get used to it, because it’ll haunt you till the day you join me. 

I should know.

Your fate is that you’ll love me more than you ever did. You’ll miss me so hard it’ll burn through your gut. You’ll see me everywhere you go, in every conversation you ever have. In the pretty faces of those around you to every thought you ever have. I’ll be there.  To remind you what you did to someone who only ever loved you. 

But now that I’m dead, at least you love me.


I’m sorry 

This whole self esteem issue is driving me insane. I don’t know how I let the words of a mean-ass bitch cut through my skin. It had taken me better part of the last two years to be comfortable within my own skin. Not just me, I used to urge people to do the same, too. I still do, but now I feel like a hypocrite. 

So I wrote this “thing” to just get it out of my head because I really can’t keep it in any longer, I’ll go crazier. 

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry I’m not skinny like the other girls you like so much. I’m sorry I’m not as beautiful as your last one. I’m sorry you find me funny to look at. I’m sorry you had to put up with catfish after you’d had caviar. I’m sorry for not being fairer. I’m sorry for not having the perfect face. I’m sorry for my stretch marks over which I had no control. I’m sorry for my skin reacting the way it was evolved to. I’m sorry for my nose, and I’m sorry you had to look at it. I’m sorry for not having a symmetrical body so it’s appearance could please you more. I’m sorry my butt is spotted with cellulite. I’m sorry my breasts aren’t as identical as you’d like it to be. I’m sorry the sight of me makes you cringe. 

I’m sorry, even know it’s not my fault. 

I’m sorry for it all. 

*Picture by Sanjana Dawani. Seriously, stop what you’re doing right now and check out her page on Instagram. 

Cut off

I’ve been having a rough time lately.

Issues that I’d thought I’d resolved have come back up to haunt me all over again. My self esteem is at an all time low ever since a girl decided to rip me apart one by one. It’s not about validation. I don’t need some dudes telling me I’m pretty and what not. Flattery is not an answer to anything. But whatever, there’s no solution to that problem.

Then there’s another problem that has been bugging me. My education. What the fuck am I going to do about that, man? I can’t be a lawyer. I’ll be the worst lawyer this world has ever seen and I’m not even exaggerating. I’m someone who cries when someone yells at me, how the fuck do you expect me to face another attorney in a courtroom? Also, every single time I sit down to study Constitutional Law, it makes me want to throw up. There was this chance that I could transfer somewhere from the 5th semester but my stupid university cancelled all exams until further notice. If I want a transfer it’ll have to be in 3rd semester, setting me back by a year again. I can’t keep losing years like this or I’ll be 30 and still doing my graduation.  I don’t even the backup plan that every girl has; to get married. Because let’s be real, I’m not even proper human material, let alone wife material. I have no choice but to make something of myself and I’m pretty sure it’s not going to happen if I keep wasting years like they’re seconds. If you ask me what I’m good at? Well, nothing really. I can read and watch an absurd amount but that’s about the end of my intellectual prowess. So you see, I’m fucked in all places all at once.  To quote a friend, “I feel like I’ve taken more loads than Sasha Grey.”

I don’t even have the solace of feeling like this is Karma getting back at me. I’ve done my time. Karma has had its due. We’re even. My only saving grace is the hope that the world will end before all this happens. Or I’ll die somehow, if not then I don’t know what the hell I’m going to do.

I tried traveling but even that didn’t work. All it did was leave me bankrupt for the rest of the month and gave me tan lines so sharp they could kill. It wasn’t all bad, though. I mean, yeah, hanging out by the ocean drinking cold beer is fun. Watching cute boys in the water without shirts is more fun. Smoking pot with some of  and trying to speak Portuguese is priceless. But what’s the point of any of it when you’re hundreds of miles away but you’re still thinking all the same things? 

I don’t go out a lot, either. Because I had an epiphany while I was off getting sunburned. I didn’t take my phone because it’s fucking useless. I took another one to click pictures and support my recent addiction to Boomerang. I didn’t tell anyone I was going because whenever I speak about something I’m going to do, it doesn’t happen.  It was being somewhat off the radar that I realized that not everyone I think is my friend, is actually my friend. Yeah, I know a lot of people but they’re not my friends. I realized they only ever called me when they needed something.  I don’t need anything from anyone other than their company. It sucked to realize that more than half the people only ever called me or remembered me when they needed something, and that they don’t actually care about me. I’m done calling people my friend when they’re actually not. They’re just the people that I know. I don’t have a problem being there for someone when they need me or helping them out with something. But I just expect them to be there for me, too.  That’s it. When I’m there for you at 4 in the morning, the least you can do is not ignore my texts. I’m done letting people walk all over me. I’m nice but I’m not fucking stupid.  It’s not even exaggerated expectation because there are a few people who call me even when they don’t need anything.

Radhika calls me just to tell me a joke or she just comes over wherever I am to simply hang out. Diksha calls me to tell me what all she did that day from waking up to going to pee. To be honest, they’re the only family I have. I don’t think expecting someone to just be there for me is too much. So since they don’t give a fuck then even I’ve decided not to. Like I said, I’m nice but not stupid. 

Don’t even get me started on boys. I’m just done with that altogether. I have enough issues without adding “boy” trouble to that.

Then there’s my dumb body which can’t run itself properly. I take vitamins, I take protein and I eat so much all the time. I still don’t gain weight. My face has become so ashy grey that I think it’s going to crumble if I go out in the wind. I have zero stamina to speak of. Then there are my ovaries who can’t behave themselves. It’s so fucking frustrating not having my period for almost a year now. Back in January I thought something happened but it was like only 2 days. The reports come up normal so I don’t know why is this happening. Am I pregnant? Am I dying? What’s happening down there, God? It was never my plan to have kids but it wasn’t in my plan to grow a mustache, either. Then there’s sleeping. I’ve been having so bizarre dreams that you wouldn’t believe.  So bizarre and so vivid that I’m not sure if it actually happened or not. I was jumping off a rock and into an ocean in one (Which isn’t possible because I can’t fucking swim) and in one I was having dinner with a family that I don’t think remembers me anymore. Then I keep waking up every few hours. So I’m seriously depressed, really anxious, malnourished and sleep deprived all at once.

 It sucks being me right now.

So you see, I’ve had a depressing month and I don’t think it’s getting better anytime soon.