Tag Archives: blog

Oh my.

Hello, world.

I’m uncomfortable.

Just kidding.

Well, kind of.

I don’t know how it happened but somehow I became so comfortable with being alone and like three other friends that now the idea of meeting someone new makes me so uncomfortable its insane. When I say people, it’s mostly boys that make me feel uncomfortable.

I first came to know about this when me and my friend were just hanging out, minding out business and day drinking. Then, her friend called and invited himself. And it honestly made me want to leave. I don’t even know that dude, and I honestly don’t have any problem with him. Still, from the moment he arrived to when I left, I felt like shit.

Then some days later, my friend made plans with him again and invited me to go with them to Bhopal. I wouldn’t have even thought about it if it was just me and my friend, but some other dude with us??? The thought actually made me want to throw up. Needless to say, I did not go with them.

It’s also not limited to that one guy, it’s any guy. I legitimately panic if a guy calls me, like I did a few days ago when a dude I hadn’t spoken to in YEARS called me. I knew him in a very wild time of my life. Not something I care about reminiscing. I tried to relax myself because we were talking on the phone. There was nothing he could do that should have me feeling worried. I even tried to explain to him that being around boys had started to make me feel some weird way. Nothing good came out of it. He just suggested that I needed to get laid to change that attitude.

Then a dude I knew was in town in August, I guess???? He tried to reschedule three time and all three times I had to come up with an excuse which didn’t involve the words “The fact that you’re a boy scares the shit out of me”.

This feeling is annoying, because I do like boys. I’m human, I have…you know, urges and feelings, that too for the opposite sex. Not being able to talk to them hinders the entire point.

The only reason I’ve come up with to explain this is that over the past year, any guy that has ever come into my life has only ever wanted one thing. That’s okay for them to want to sex with someone, I don’t care. It’s just I’m not that person. I don’t mean this in a “I’m-so-hot-everyone-wants-to-sleep-with-me” because that’s not true. That’s just the pattern it’s been the past year or so for me.

It’s not like I didn’t try, you know. But I’ve been so focused on not lying to everyone else that I forgot to not lie to myself. I’m not that person who can be intimate with just about anyone. I’ve tried to be, but I’m not. It does not make me feel good and I refuse to do that anymore. I don’t care if other people do this. I’m not judging. It’s their body, it’s their decision and it’s none of my business. Similarly, It’s my body, and it’s my decision to not do that anymore, and it’s no one else’s business.

Do I wish things were different? Yes. I wish I was that person who could be carefree with her body, who could talk to whatever boy she wanted or do whatever with anyone she wanted. I don’t want to feel like crap afterwards. I so wish it was me. But it’s not. I don’t care what anyone else has to say.

It’s my body. It’s the only thing I can control. The decision to share it with someone, or not to, should be up to me, and only me.

But other than that, I do know a guy who is like family to me. Palash has never been creepy to me. He’s always been respectful and very understanding and I guess that’s the reason he’s the only dude who doesn’t give me the creeps.

I don’t know any more than this. This might be just a very prolonged phase, but this is what it is. I know I can’t go my entire life without talking to men, but for now, I’m willing to avoid it as much as I can.

 

 

Advertisements

All caught up

I don’t think it comes as a shock that I listen to a lot of music and I’m a perpetually sad person and those two things are my whole life.

Also I feel kind of awful at this very moment. For once, I know why. But that’s not the point of this. Not that I ever have any point to make. I don’t know, I just wanted to distract myself for a little bit.

I’m finally getting a new phone. Well, to be fair the phone I had before this was also pretty nice, but it wasn’t new or mine. I was just keeping it for a few months because mine broke. I’d been using a Sony phone since 2014 (It was my first phone ever) and then last September or late August, the screen cracked. So I started using my mother’s iPhone because she didn’t use it anymore. I had planned on getting a new one in like a month but I just kept on spending my money on stupid dumb shit and not on a necessity. So now finally I’ve ordered a new phone which will arrive on Saturday. I’m childishly excited about it. I keep on tracking its delivery, as if my looking again and again will make it reach me faster.

I also have like 10 new books coming my way on Monday. I am so so so excited about them because Jesus knows that I hadn’t gotten a new book in a while. The last book I got was on my birthday and it was called “A Guide to Rational Living” and was given to me by my mother. But this time I have books like Fire and Fury, Born a Crime, and Atlas Shrugged.  I am DYING right now in their wait. (I don’t know if that sentence was correct)

In my last step to becoming Gollum, I have become obsessed with jewelry. Earrings in particular. In a couple of years I went from someone who didn’t wear any lipstick or jewelry to a person won’t be caught dead without a lipstick on . I don’t know why I didn’t take care of my skin before. Now getting ready in the morning is my favorite time of the whole day. It takes longer, sure, because I have dedicated 6 step routine for both day and night. I have noticed a difference from 2016 to now and I think those steps are completely worth it.

I’m also blonde now, not in my roots, though. I have actually never had non-colored hair since 2013, but it was always very subtle and never so out there as it is now. Last February I wanted to get dark navy blue hair. The hair stylist fucked up big time because it turned out more black than blue. Then it got worse with time and then in May I had to cut it all off. So from May to January, I had no color in my hair whatsoever, which was very boring. I don’t care much about damage because I’ve never had amazing hair to begin with. I like changing my hair a lot. I think it’s a lot of fun. I’m planing on getting ash grey hair this month, then peacock blue in the summer.

I want to get my nose pierced, but I already hate my nose and I don’t know if I want to bring more attention to it. Diksha has it and it looks really nice on her, so I want one too. But my nose is my kryptonite and I’m awfully confused about this one

I would like to now talk about some of my favorite movies that I saw this year, which were, a lot. I have gotten into indie cinema somehow and I have to say I really love it. So the first movie I would like to talk about is, of course, Black Panther. Words cannot describe how much I loved that movie. Then I think the next movie I really loved was Call Me By Your Name. Before watching it I was a little skeptic because I’d read on Instagram about how it was about pedophilia and such things. But then I saw it and I couldn’t find anything disgusting. I mean sure, the age gap was significant between Elio and Oliver but there wasn’t anything perverse, or at least nothing that I could point out. I could relate so so bad to Elio at the end of that movie. It shattered my heart and I cried for an hour, I think.

Some of my other favorite movies this year that I have watched have been Get Out, Good time, Below her mouth, Moana, Marhsall, That Awkward Moment, Beatrice at dinner, Raincoat, Bhumika, Manthan, and Nishant.

And I would like to give a special mention to The Emperor’s new Groove. I fucking love that movie. It’s so funny, and just all over masterpiece.

For TV shows, I just finished watching  Shameless. It’s absolutely disgusting but I guess that’s what life is. Everyone reaches a  new low every episode and that’s still so real? I don’t know why but I really like it. I also finished the Crown last week. I know, I was late but I’m finally all caught up. Then for Comedy I have a long list. Angie Tribeca, You’re the Worst, Difficult People, Brooklyn 99, Young Sheldon, and The Detour.

Grown-ish is again absolutely amazing. I didn’t think I’d like it as much as I liked Black-ish. I usually don’t like spin offs after the trauma of The Originals. Grown-ish is again, so relatable. I think that’s what college is like, from what I’ve heard, at least. I have a child, Shivani, who goes to a legit law school in Raipur, and from what she tells me, I get it. I absolutely love these TV shows and movies, man.

Supernatural for me is in a league of its own. I will never not like that show. Team Free Will till the day I die.

I know it seems like I watch a lot of TV, and it seems accurate. I do. I don’t have much to do but watch TV and movies and read books.

As for music, here are a few songs that I love love love right now:

  1. Riptide- Vance Joy
  2. Star Power- Sonic Youth
  3. Long time- Cake
  4. Perfect Places- Lorde
  5. Opps- Kendrick Lamar
  6. Jashn-e-Bahara

I also really like this song called “If it wasn’t for you” by Alesso, but I don’t listen to it. I avoid it at all costs because I can’t listen to that song without going into a manic depression for six months. But it’s a good song, though.

As for me personally, I have been struggling a bit. I have a sinking feeling in my heart and gut at all times. Anxiety is at an all time high. Like I said, I know why. I still can’t believe that it still affects me. Now that I think of it, there never goes a day where I don’t think about it, but for the past two weeks the sinking feeling has gotten deeper and I find myself praying again. To what? Even I don’t know. Even though the object of my love is no longer with me, doesn’t mean that the love isn’t there. I think it’s more than ever before and somehow it grows everyday. There’s nothing that I can do, nothing that I haven’t already done, so I pray.  I just pray that if there is any God, wherever God is, I hope they listen to me. I hope they have mercy on my soul. I hope that I feel so empty anymore. I hope.

I think we’re all caught up. I’m sorry this post was so long. I didn’t want to leave anything out. I needed the distraction and all those things I mentioned are really important to me.

So thank you for sticking around till the end.

 

 

 

 

 

Never 

// Just a little out of reach, that’s where you are. I can see you but not touch you. I can breathe you but I can’t feel you. I love you yet I can’t tell you. You’re mine but I can’t have you. 

They say don’t let your happiness depend on one person. They’re so fucking wrong. My life starts and ends with you. You are my happiness and my grief. You are my pleasure and my pain. I’m grateful that you’re all I have, even if I don’t have you. 

But God forbid if we should both have what we want. God forbid, if we once don’t listen to reason. Still, let’s sin as much as we can, let’s defy fate, because you are my God. You are whom I pray to. Let’s find parts of each other we didn’t know existed. I’d rather be demolished by you than be rebuilt by someone else. You’re what holds me together. It’s only fitting you be what destroys me. 

It isn’t real, life keeps reminding me. Over and over again I fall for something that’s not even real and over and over again I’m hooked deeper than before. 



If you’re what weakness feels like, then I don’t ever want to be strong again. //




Vow.

This post was published sometime around August’15. It got deleted and I managed to forget all about it like a complete ass. So here it is again, with little finishing twitches here and there and the concept has been borrowed from Tumblr. I read something like this and thought to try my hand at this.

7am: I wake up from a dream about you. I hate myself for having that dream for about 5 minutes then I jump into the shower.

7:15 am: I check my phone and there’s still no word from you. I throw the phone roughly on the bed and get ready for work.

1pm: I’ve drowned in work so I don’t think about you. But damn it to hell, nothing works. I can still smell you from the dream.

3pm: I eat lunch with a friend. Your name comes up and my stomach drops all the way to Satan’s cage. I lie and say whatever you do doesn’t concern me. I lie and say that I’m over you.

7pm: I come back to an empty home and the air gets heavier and more difficult to breathe. I take my phone out and read old messages to torture myself.

8pm: I have no idea how the bottle of water in my hand turned into a glass of whiskey. I read an old text which cuts me open from shoulder to waist in one stroke and I gasp for air.

8:30pm: The books you bought for me taunt me through the shelf while I make dinner for one. At this point, I’m ready to burn them to ashes and burn those ashes again. But I know I won’t, because I’ll desperately cling on to any memory of you.

9pm: TV seems stupid. Social media seems stupid. Laughing seems stupid. Breathing seems stupid. Stupid seems stupider. The only thing that doesn’t seem stupid is that I need you. I didn’t think I’d need you like this. I didn’t think that I’d stop existing if you left. But what’s the point? You already did, and you left those fucking memories.

10pm: Last night’s dream comes to mind, and I give into it. I give into the feeling of you touching me. The way you curse, the way you grind your teeth together in lust, your eyes rolling to the back of your head when you can’t handle any more, the feel of your cool lips against mine when you first kissed me, the taste of your blood when I bit your lip a little too hard. It fucks me up further to realize that you literally run in my bloodstream.

11pm: it seems like it’ll be an age before I hit the call button on my phone. Why should I call you? You made it clear that you don’t care then why should I?

2am: I figure out the answer. Because you’re the only one I could feel. Because I’ve tried fucking my way out of an empty heart but it doesn’t work. Because none of them could make me feel what you did with your mere words.

3am: I’m praying to every god I can think of to bring me a time machine.

4am: My phone rings and I know it’s you because….I don’t even have a reason how. All I know is that it’s you. I answer the call because I don’t see logic when it comes to you. I don’t see reason, or ways, or plans. And it hurt like shit when you chose logic. But then again, what’s the point? I’ll continue not seeing logic and you’ll continue following it.

4:05am: I invite you in.

6am: You’ve set me back to square one. Whatever little progress I’d made has been reduced to dust. You leave without a word. You don’t even look back. You don’t even say my name once. I make a solemn vow to myself to never let you in again, knowing that whenever, if at all, you call again, I’ll go running back to you.

7am: I laugh at myself. My arrogance got the better of me. What I thought could never break me has shattered me to pieces. I get up from the bed and start getting ready to spend yet another day in this mayhem we call “world”

No quitting. 

Yeah, this isn’t about “Not to give up on hope” kind of post. I gave up on hope a year ago.

This is about smoking. Let me take you back 2 years. I absolutely loathed smokers. I thought it was a nasty habit with absolutely no plus sides. I didn’t understand why anyone would want to inhale tobacco smoke. I’ve had major fights about this with people. I’ve done lame shit lime make people swear on my head that they’d never smoke again. If that were the case I would’ve been beheaded a thousand times. 

Now, I’m here typing this after smoking 5 of them myself. It started last new year. It was the first time I ever smoked and it was not pretty. My lungs burnt for 3 days. But then in May I smoked hash for the first time. It did absolutely nothing. It was a waste of money. But then I smoked another cigarette. That worked. 

I don’t admit this fact that I smoke. In fact not even a handful of  people know I do this. I’m kinda surprised my mom hasn’t found out yet. I don’t even chew a gum after I smoke. 

I’ve tried quitting but I don’t really have any reason to do so. I don’t want to live long. I’m not worried about some kind of cancer, either. It doesn’t even smell after 10 minutes so there goes my worry about smelling bad. Well, I will admit it is a little expensive, because I don’t work anymore. But I manage that part. 

I’ve been doing my best to lie as little as possible since almost two years now. But if asked about this, I’ll straight out deny it. I don’t care if they saw me firsthand smoking outside of The Nest (which is the only place where I smoke apart from my roof) I’ll deny it.

Most of all, I’m allowed to have bad habit. At least I’m not snorting cocaine before my morning coffee. I can have one guilty indulgence. 

So anyone who called me a hypocrite, you were right.

Congratulations.

You can go suck it.

Disintegration

(This is long and boring and just urgh. So feel free to skip this one)

This past month has been so, so bad that I don’t even know how I’m even alive to write this. It’s not for the lack of trying, but we won’t go there today.

Stress and anxiety will kill you.

I’m not quoting some medical journal, these are my own observations. I had dealt with depression and mania in the past but this…this is different. I do everything right. I eat right, I do yoga, I dance, and my sleeping schedule is also decent. There was a time when I couldn’t fall asleep before 3:00 am, and now I can barely keep my eyes open till midnight. At any point of time, unless I have plans, I’m always asleep. I still make plans to go out in the hope that maybe my monotony is what ails me. I still do my make up and go around as if there is nothing that bothers me. I have only talked to two friends about it. I’m a little off topic. Yes, so the thing is that I know depression. I understand it. Being lethally depressed is kind of my comfort zone when compared to anxiety.

Anyway, the first thing to make me realize that there was something seriously wrong with me was when I went temporarily blind in my right eye after I woke up one morning. (I know, right?) I thought it was an allergic reaction because I tight line my upper-lash line or because I wore mascara a lot. I even had half a mind to sue Urban Decay. The doctor had a different opinion. After my vision came back in about 6 hours,  the doctor told me to get some tests done to check my vitamin levels and told me to eat a lot of salads and vitamins and what not. I knew it then that this wasn’t caused by some vitamin deficiency but my mental health. I was one step closer to breaking down.

Then, about two weeks the app on my phone made me realize that my period hadn’t arrived for two months. The first thought in my head was, of course, “Holy shit, I’m pregnant.” But then logic kicked in that I wasn’t. I checked and also, I’d be gaining weight instead of losing it, if I was. It’s funny how we always jump to that conclusion. But anyway, this time I went to a gyno and that lady was so nice and concerned about me. She gave prescribed me some syrups and told me to do yoga. So I did exactly what she told me to do. It’s been more than a month but I’m yet to see any changes. “Aunt Flo”  hasn’t visited either.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not ungrateful for the life that I have. I’m very, very grateful to be able to have a chance at higher education, food and shelter. I’m not saying that my life sucks. I’m saying I do. My mind has become so fragile that it’s not able to control my body. I’m losing touch of who I am. I cannot believe the person I’ve turned into. I wasn’t this brand-toting bitch who gave a crap about what the difference between blue toned red and orange toned red was. I had legit one pair of floaters and now look at me. I could be suicidal as all hell and yet my self esteem wouldn’t suffer. It’s super weird.

Again, my life isn’t all bad either. I go out a lot. I hang out at this place called “The Nest” almost every day. I read a lot over there. Whenever this certain friend of mine comes to town, those couple of days are always amazing. My anxiety levels drop drastically. I eat a lot more and I sleep better, too. I think he knows how much he helps because he’s started coming down more often than what I think is convenient. It’s not just him, my friends in general are lifesaving. When I was in my suicidal phase I talked to Ruchi and Bebo, friends of mine from school. If I’m alive today it’s mainly because of those two.

But still there’s this… Thing in my head. It’s just there and I don’t know what to do with it. I don’t know what it is. I mean I have seen people die of stress. Hell, my baba died of stress, so I should know. Even if I don’t actively take actions to end my existence, it doesn’t matter. It’s happening on its own.

I’m sorry if it didn’t make a lot of sense. I don’t make sense, either.

He won’t, would He?

I read “Adultery” a few days back. It was a dear gift I received a year back on my 18th birthday. I never had the time to read it until two weeks ago. The moment I started reading it, I couldn’t put it down. It was so spot on, it was a little scary.

There was this one thing that hooked me. In the book, when the Protagonist is lost, she leaves herself to the wishes of God. She completely surrenders herself instead of resisting her urges. She does a lot of awful things, confesses to more disturbing details. She cheats on her husband repeatedly. She tries to plant cocaine on the wife of the guy she’s having the affair with. There’s nothing but monotony that’s bothering her. Her routine is what ails her. She has no reason to be sad, but she’s still miserable. She asks the same thing to herself. “Why am I this way? Why am I unhappy?”

She goes through all this with just one thing in her mind. “God will guide me. He won’t let me suffer for nothing.” 

In the end, things work out on her favor. Her husband still wants to be with her. Her kids love her no less. Her life is good again. 

He won’t let me suffer for nothing.

But what if He does? What if God isn’t there to guide me? What if all my suffering and redemption bring me no closer to peace? How can anyone say for absolute certainty that after suffering there awaits compassion? Yes, I know it’s a leap of faith we have to take. I know that. That’s all I’ve been doing for the past year. My world was turned upside down, but I somehow managed to come out the other side. But I’m still suffering. I don’t want this…all of this…to be for naught. 

So I guess I have to surrender myself, too. I have to see things out and know for sure. I can’t keep half-assing anymore. I’ll just have to believe that all this means something. Everything is working it’s way to make things better for me. 

And if not, then who am I to go against God’s plan?

My lists

So I introduced an idea a few weeks back. It’s in the post titled Take it off. It was that we all should make two lists. Under one head we should list down the things we don’t like about ourselves which are more physical in nature, and under the other one we should list down the things that we like about ourselves which are not physical.

Obviously, I expected some people to hit me up and tell me that it isn’t so easy to love one’s self. They told me that someone who has spent decades hating the way that they look cannot just change that by making some stupid list and embracing themselves. And if I think I’m so good at this accepting myself thing, why don’t I make a list and post it on my blog for the world to see.

I hated the fact that they seemed to assume that I had no insecurities and thought that I think I’m perfect. I’m not. I’m actually very very very far away from it. You think I don’t get that envious chill when I see someone like Gigi Hadid, or Adele or Lisa Hayden? No, it’s not that I don’t get insecurities. It’s just that I am what I am and I cannot change it. I’ve accepted it. When I had really bad insecurities about my looks, I actually thought about getting a rhinoplasty. There was even a family joke about it. What they didn’t know was that their jokes hurt me. My nose is weird. It’s not big or small..It’s weird. I don’t even know what shape to call it. I started taking the idea of changing my nose very seriously. Then one day my glasses slipped down lower on my nose, making my nose smaller in appearance. I looked in the mirror and thought…Is that me? That didn’t look like me. I didn’t like it very much. I didn’t want to look different. It occurred to me that even if I did change my nose, I wouldn’t like it very much. What’s the point of spending all that money and still not liking myself?

So, no. I don’t think I’m the the most beautiful person in the world. No, I don’t have the confidence of someone who doesn’t give a fuck. No, I do not think that I’m invincible and most importantly, No I don’t think I have the power to change anyone’s opinions just by posting something on the internet. It has to be you who does it. I can probably help a little by telling you that it is do-able and not the most bizarre thing in the world. Loving one’s self is difficult, especially when you’re your worst enemy.

But if knowing about my lists make you feel better, and makes you think that it’s possible that you can accept your body, and love yourself then I will gladly do it.

The things that I don’t like about my physical appearance are:

  1. I have these small bumps and red dots all over my arms and legs. I don’t know what they are, they’ve just been there ever since I can remember.
  2. My hair. It changes seasonally and since monsoon is coming, I need an army to protect my hair from frizz and shit like that.
  3. My vagina. Long story, but I’m very, very insecure of how it looks.
  4. I regret the scars on my thighs.
  5. My elbows and Knees. They’ve always looked like I was born in a coal mine. Again, no idea why.

The things that I like about myself that aren’t physical:

  1. I forgive people easily.
  2. I’m there for people. No matter what. Literally.
  3. I’m loyal.
  4. I defend my people to hell and back ( I guess that comes under loyalty)
  5. I do not judge. Like, at all.
  6. I’m independent.
  7. I learn from my mistakes
  8. I work hard. (Remember when I was working 17 hours a day?)
  9. I’m funny, man. It’s dark humor, offensive humor and way more sex jokes than should be allowed, but funny regardless.
  10. I’m strong as fuck, bro. Sometimes I surprise myself.( I didn’t think I’d survive 30th June of last year, 28th August of last year or 28th April of this year, or 22nd May of this year. But I did. I’m so proud of myself for that. I’m not saying I’m unbreakable or that I can’t be hurt. No, all I’m saying is that I’m capable of handling a lot of things that life’s thrown at me.)
  11. I accept myself.

So there you go. My lists are all out in the open. My lists of things I like about myself is longer, because I’ve developed those traits. Not to impress anyone, but to become a better person. For the people around me and for myself.

Again, by no means am I suggesting that I’m over every little insecurity that I had. I’m not. But no one, and I mean absolutely no one in this world is going to make me feel bad about my body, not even me. Especially not me. You can point out my mistakes, you can remind me of them for the rest of my life, but you cannot say that I haven’t changed for the better. And I will keep on changing.

So should you. If you don’t love yourself today, it’s okay. You will if you try to. You will fail, but that’s okay. Nobody succeeded without failing first. You’re not doing things right if you aren’t failing. So failing is okay. Be sure to get back in the game and start from the scratch if need be. You’re worth all this effort. Trust me.

You’re beautiful and you’re unique and the world wouldn’t be the same without you.

 

 

 

 

Take it off.

I’m going to be a creep and ask you to do somethings, even though you don’t really know me and you have no reason to follow my advice. Let’s play along for now, okay?

When you go home, do the following two things for me. It’s not just for girls. All of us, male, female and everyone in between. We’re doing this together. We’re a team here. (Even though you literally just found this blog)

Okay, so you’re home? (Any other equivalent would do) Good. Now take your makeup off if you’re wearing it. Chill, I’m not against make-up. I love it myself. Just trust me on this one. I’m taking it off with you, too.

Is it done? Cool.

Now take your clothes off. Again, I know I sound like a creep but I’m asking you to play along with me again. Just take it all off. Be sure to close all the doors and windows. Take off any shred of clothing you have on. Go stand in front of your mirror. Take your hair down. If your hairdo took some effort, I respect that yo. But otherwise if you’ve got your hair tied up, let them loose.

Look at yourself. Really, really look at yourself. Turn around, swirl a little, do whatever you want. Just really see yourself. Notice each and every scar, every little freckle, every mole every stretch mark. Don’t let anything go by.  You can pretend you’re at a photo-shoot, if you like. Strike a pose, hold your hair up, do anything you want. Just let yourself loose. Put on a song, dance to it, pretend you’re in a music video. Hell, you can twerk if that’s what you like to do. Just do you.

Now, if you like what you see, you rock! If you don’t like what you see, you rock!

This next step might take a little more effort. I need you to make up a list. Under one head, list all the things you don’t like about yourself which are physical. Under the other head, list all the attributes you like about yourself which are not physical. And don’t be one of those people who’re like I don’t have any good quality. That’s a lie. You know it, I know it, pretty sure everyone else knows it, too.

Which list is longer? The physical one or the other one?

If the list which contains the physical “imperfections” is longer, I’m going to have to ask you to read it again and again. Tell me, something. Are those things  you don’t like about yourself or are they something you’ve been told are wrong with you. This one is going to take a while to realize. You’ll need to think long and hard about it. There are certain things that we think define beauty. That’s the most fuckall concept of them all. I’m more likely to agree with Donald Trump than I am to agree with the fact that beauty can be defined.

The literal definition of beauty is “pleasing the senses or mind aesthetically”. Isn’t that the most flexible and compliant thing you’ve ever read? Some people find the rain beautiful, while some hate it. Some people love Van Gogh while some can’t stand him. We don’t criticize them for it, then why do we do it when it comes to physical appearance of other people? Everything that please YOU is beautiful and everything that doesn’t is not. (Don’t be an asshole and stomp on other people’s opinions. You may like it, you may not like it. Nothing gives you the right to be judgmental towards other people’s opinions) A thigh gap doesn’t define you. Your skin color doesn’t define you. Your weight doesn’t define you. Nothing but your energy defines you. Trust me on this thing. It doesn’t matter what you look like if your energy is positive. I know I sound like a hippie right now talking about Energy and all that crap. But it’s real. The more positive your thoughts are, the more you will accept yourself. The more you accept yourself, the more you are accepting of others. You know, if I think about it now, maybe the only reason I was such a shitty person up until a year ago was because I didn’t accept myself. Although I did all those things without any intention, people did get hurt. I hurt them, because deep down I wanted to hurt myself. I know sorry doesn’t do much, but it’s all I got. You look the way you do because that’s the way it is. If you’re body is healthy, there’s no reason why you should gain or lose weight. Health is everything. It’s all that matters. Instead of trying to fit into the “Ideal” concept of beauty, how about we try to focus on being healthy instead?

Now, if your list of internal qualities was longer than the list of things you don’t like about your physical appearance, I need you to tell me what your thoughts are on what I just said. Am I right or wrong? Please, also tell me if I missed something.

What I was trying to say was that the day you accept yourself, you turn into a newer and better version of yourself. You feel good and you do good. It takes time, I should know. It’s not impossible to love yourself, either. YOU are the person you have to live with for the rest of your life, every waking and sleeping second. The least we can do is love ourselves, right?

With that, we’re done with the weirdest exercise ever.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Explain.

Explain something to me, if you will. I’m a firm believer when it comes to love that you only get one. One, and that’s it. I don’t mean the random dating, or sleeping around or when you just use people. No, I’m talking actual love. If you’ve fallen in love once, you cannot do it again, at least according to me. Yes, it is possible that you’ve failed a few times before you get the right person, but were the past ones actually “Love”? See, I’m the last person to talk about any of this. So bear with me if you want, or correct me if I’m wrong.

How do you fall out of love with someone? How does it happen? You just stop caring about someone who means the world to you? That seems a little impossible to me, if I’m honest. I may not like people in general, but I don’t think I actually hate anyone. I’m a stupidly forgiving person so I might be wrong but is there some internal switch I don’t know about? I was listening to “Love yourself” by Justin Beiber a few days ago and there’s this line which says I fell in love now I feel nothing at all.  Well, maybe you didn’t love her at all, jackass. Because everyone I know who has actually been in love are in two situations. Either they’re still together or they’re still in love with that person. And those who are still hung up, have legit reasons to get over their partners but they can’t because they actually loved them. I think they’re right. Once you love someone you can’t over them because it happens once. Once. That’s it.

I’ve seen my friends dying inside everytime they see a picture of their former partners with someone else. It literally looks like someone has stabbed them in the heart. They go from ear to ear smile to don’t-know-how-to-breathe in one second. I get it, it must be hard to see the person you loved with your life with someone else. Now, to be completely honest my friends are idiots, too. They did some super stupid shit which lead to their break up but tell me something. Couldn’t they be forgiven? Were their mistakes really worth breaking up over? Then again, what do I know? I’d forgive anything if I truly loved someone and believed that they loved me. I mean, of course not literally everything is forgivable but almost everything is.

What I believe is that if you actually love someone it’s magic. Because think about it for a second. You guys aren’t related. You have no obligations or reasons to love them. There’s “blood is thicker than water” kind of bond. You have absolutely no reason to love them but you still do. It’s magic and once the magic takes place I don’t think there exists a spell to undo that kind of magic.

I mean just look at us, man. We whine that we’re alone and when we do find someone we mess things up for no reason. There’s either lack of consideration of lack of forgiveness. One cancels out another, I think. Why do we make things so complicated? Most of the things are forgivable. I understand, once someone messes up they need to learn a lesson. But guess what? People do change. I’m not saying stupid lines like “Love is blind” and all that shit. Love is seeing everything and still accepting them.

No matter what.

But then again, what do I know right?