Monthly Archives: January 2016


“Are you suicidal?” The bored shrink asked.
“Not actively.”
“It means that I don’t have the courage to actually take a blade and slit my wrists inside out, but if a bus was to hit me on a road, I’d probably not move.”


Tears pooled in my eyes and my heart fell to my feet. I didn’t know how to do this. I didn’t know how I’d cope with this loss.
“This doesn’t mean I don’t love you anymore. I always have and I always will.” I whispered through my choked voice. “I’m sorry. I love you.”
There. I’d done it.
I’d said goodbye to Nutella.


I’m just so great with subtle titles, aren’t I? 😛
I’m sure almost all of us have had one of those “awkward” conversations with our parents. Nah, I’m not talking about “the talk”.
I’m talking about the moment when something your parent(s) says that just gives birth to totally and epically awkward silence. I had that moment a few days ago. Yup, I remember. It was on Sunday evening.
My mother has come back home to take care of my grandma because she….well, that’s another story. It was great having her back home. I hadn’t seen her in weeks. Ever since I got my mother an iPhone, all she does is text me, and when she discovered Siri, her texts were something like this.

Mother: Text Nidhi to call me whenever she’s free.

What I didn’t miss about my mother coming back were the arguments she and my father always have. Always. All the bloody time. I’ve reached a point where it’s all white noise to me. Unless I hear my name somewhere I don’t stick around in thw house to hear it. But if it’s something regarding me, all hell breaks loose. But again, that’s another story.
So on Sunday, I getting ready to sleep. It was late, around 9:30 😛 (I’m on another time zone) I heard those two fighting again. This was about medical bills or insurance, I’m not really sure. My mother came into my room, half crying. She l takes my ice cream and helps herself. Then the following conversation took place. ( I’ve modified it a little, so that is coherent and doesn’t involve my mom using words I don’t know the meaning of)

Mother : Nidhi, study. Study a lot this time and get out of here.

Me: I’m doing what I can, mom. (Lies.)

*Two spoons ice cream later*
Mother: Become a model. I’ll pay for your rhinoplasty.

Still, this wasn’t outrageous because I’m tall, right? I’m tall and I don’t look all that bad. When I want to, I slay.

Me: If that’s the case, then you’ll also have to pay for reductions of my curves. (I did not use the word ‘curves’)

Mother: Shut up. Kuch bhi bolti hai.

*Then her eyes wandered around to my poster covered walls and then to my dressing table which was covered with boxes. I knew I was in trouble then. She picked one up, looked at the price and it was like she got a mini heart attack.

Mother: Nidhi are you kidding me where did all this money come from have I taught you nothing this is outrageous how could you spend that much on a bra?!

* Trust me. This isn’t even the awkward part. This was still normal, right? Mother-daughter talk.

Me: What do you think I do 17 hours a day? I’m not working for free! Bro, chill.

Mother: What’s the pint? Who’s gonna see it? (Kisko dikhani hai?)

* Yes, a little awkward. My family already really doesn’t trust me in that department. I think she genuinely wanted to ask who I’m sleeping with. I don’t even have the time to sleep by myself sometimes, how could you think anyone else is involved?!

Me: No one! What’s wrong with you?! Dude seriously, chill. I have to sleep after this episode of Suits.

Mother: stop watching these things. Study instead. You don’t want to remain in this college forever, do you? Then stop doing all this and study. May isn’t that far.

Me: Got it, mother. Don’t worry about it. Third time’s a charm.

Mother: You know what? If you find someone worthy, run off with him.

*awkward silence *
I don’t need to remind anyone how entirely anti-marriage is my mother. She hates this stuff. She and I have an agreement which involves me being in total and utter control of that department, as long as I make something of myself. Otherwise, she’ll marry me off god knows where.

But I swear when she said that I should run off with someone, I choked on my own breath. I stared at her for legit fifteen minutes. I didn’t know what to say. I couldn’t tell her she’s out of her Damn mind because I didn’t wanna be slapped. I couldn’t tell her anything. I was just staring at her hoping that I’d misheard something.

Mother :Go to sleep now. Switch the wifi and the laptop off.

My mother left me staring at her, also she took my ice cream.
I still get nightmares about what she said.  Like Bro, I get it. You want me to get out of this place. You want good things for me. You’re my mother, you’re sort of awesome sometimes but are you freakin mad that you want me to run away with someone? Who the fuck am I supposed to run away with? How? Where? You lived in the 80s and 90s, people were pro at running away back then. Most of all, do I look like someone who will do that?
We haven’t talked about it ever since, and I’m glad. Because I really think being in her 40s has messed her mind up.