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Oh my.

Hello, world.

I’m uncomfortable.

Just kidding.

Well, kind of.

I don’t know how it happened but somehow I became so comfortable with being alone and like three other friends that now the idea of meeting someone new makes me so uncomfortable its insane. When I say people, it’s mostly boys that make me feel uncomfortable.

I first came to know about this when me and my friend were just hanging out, minding out business and day drinking. Then, her friend called and invited himself. And it honestly made me want to leave. I don’t even know that dude, and I honestly don’t have any problem with him. Still, from the moment he arrived to when I left, I felt like shit.

Then some days later, my friend made plans with him again and invited me to go with them to Bhopal. I wouldn’t have even thought about it if it was just me and my friend, but some other dude with us??? The thought actually made me want to throw up. Needless to say, I did not go with them.

It’s also not limited to that one guy, it’s any guy. I legitimately panic if a guy calls me, like I did a few days ago when a dude I hadn’t spoken to in YEARS called me. I knew him in a very wild time of my life. Not something I care about reminiscing. I tried to relax myself because we were talking on the phone. There was nothing he could do that should have me feeling worried. I even tried to explain to him that being around boys had started to make me feel some weird way. Nothing good came out of it. He just suggested that I needed to get laid to change that attitude.

Then a dude I knew was in town in August, I guess???? He tried to reschedule three time and all three times I had to come up with an excuse which didn’t involve the words “The fact that you’re a boy scares the shit out of me”.

This feeling is annoying, because I do like boys. I’m human, I have…you know, urges and feelings, that too for the opposite sex. Not being able to talk to them hinders the entire point.

The only reason I’ve come up with to explain this is that over the past year, any guy that has ever come into my life has only ever wanted one thing. That’s okay for them to want to sex with someone, I don’t care. It’s just I’m not that person. I don’t mean this in a “I’m-so-hot-everyone-wants-to-sleep-with-me” because that’s not true. That’s just the pattern it’s been the past year or so for me.

It’s not like I didn’t try, you know. But I’ve been so focused on not lying to everyone else that I forgot to not lie to myself. I’m not that person who can be intimate with just about anyone. I’ve tried to be, but I’m not. It does not make me feel good and I refuse to do that anymore. I don’t care if other people do this. I’m not judging. It’s their body, it’s their decision and it’s none of my business. Similarly, It’s my body, and it’s my decision to not do that anymore, and it’s no one else’s business.

Do I wish things were different? Yes. I wish I was that person who could be carefree with her body, who could talk to whatever boy she wanted or do whatever with anyone she wanted. I don’t want to feel like crap afterwards. I so wish it was me. But it’s not. I don’t care what anyone else has to say.

It’s my body. It’s the only thing I can control. The decision to share it with someone, or not to, should be up to me, and only me.

But other than that, I do know a guy who is like family to me. Palash has never been creepy to me. He’s always been respectful and very understanding and I guess that’s the reason he’s the only dude who doesn’t give me the creeps.

I don’t know any more than this. This might be just a very prolonged phase, but this is what it is. I know I can’t go my entire life without talking to men, but for now, I’m willing to avoid it as much as I can.

 

 

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Love you.

It’s been a long time since I’ve held you close enough to feel your heart.

It’s been a long time since you’ve looked at me like I’m a part of your world.

Days have turned into years and I think I’ve forgotten what your voice feels like.

It’s midnight and I’m a little drunk and all I can think of is how the fuck did we not make it?

I love you more than anything in this world and yet somehow it’s not enough? I’d give up anything and everything for you, and still it’s been a year since I even heard about you?

It’s been a long time since someone has made me feel the way you do. It feels like a lifetime has passed and I still haven’t found anyone who’ll love me like you did. Maybe I won’t. Maybe that’s the point.

Years have passed and still I think about you every single day. I might have a problem, I’ll admit that. I want it to be over, too.

I want to move on, too.

But how will I ever love someone when I’ve already given all of it to you?

It’s been a long time since I’ve said that I love you. It’s been a long time since you said you love me, too.

It’s been a long time but here I am again, feeling asking you to love me back.

I love you

All caught up

I don’t think it comes as a shock that I listen to a lot of music and I’m a perpetually sad person and those two things are my whole life.

Also I feel kind of awful at this very moment. For once, I know why. But that’s not the point of this. Not that I ever have any point to make. I don’t know, I just wanted to distract myself for a little bit.

I’m finally getting a new phone. Well, to be fair the phone I had before this was also pretty nice, but it wasn’t new or mine. I was just keeping it for a few months because mine broke. I’d been using a Sony phone since 2014 (It was my first phone ever) and then last September or late August, the screen cracked. So I started using my mother’s iPhone because she didn’t use it anymore. I had planned on getting a new one in like a month but I just kept on spending my money on stupid dumb shit and not on a necessity. So now finally I’ve ordered a new phone which will arrive on Saturday. I’m childishly excited about it. I keep on tracking its delivery, as if my looking again and again will make it reach me faster.

I also have like 10 new books coming my way on Monday. I am so so so excited about them because Jesus knows that I hadn’t gotten a new book in a while. The last book I got was on my birthday and it was called “A Guide to Rational Living” and was given to me by my mother. But this time I have books like Fire and Fury, Born a Crime, and Atlas Shrugged.  I am DYING right now in their wait. (I don’t know if that sentence was correct)

In my last step to becoming Gollum, I have become obsessed with jewelry. Earrings in particular. In a couple of years I went from someone who didn’t wear any lipstick or jewelry to a person won’t be caught dead without a lipstick on . I don’t know why I didn’t take care of my skin before. Now getting ready in the morning is my favorite time of the whole day. It takes longer, sure, because I have dedicated 6 step routine for both day and night. I have noticed a difference from 2016 to now and I think those steps are completely worth it.

I’m also blonde now, not in my roots, though. I have actually never had non-colored hair since 2013, but it was always very subtle and never so out there as it is now. Last February I wanted to get dark navy blue hair. The hair stylist fucked up big time because it turned out more black than blue. Then it got worse with time and then in May I had to cut it all off. So from May to January, I had no color in my hair whatsoever, which was very boring. I don’t care much about damage because I’ve never had amazing hair to begin with. I like changing my hair a lot. I think it’s a lot of fun. I’m planing on getting ash grey hair this month, then peacock blue in the summer.

I want to get my nose pierced, but I already hate my nose and I don’t know if I want to bring more attention to it. Diksha has it and it looks really nice on her, so I want one too. But my nose is my kryptonite and I’m awfully confused about this one

I would like to now talk about some of my favorite movies that I saw this year, which were, a lot. I have gotten into indie cinema somehow and I have to say I really love it. So the first movie I would like to talk about is, of course, Black Panther. Words cannot describe how much I loved that movie. Then I think the next movie I really loved was Call Me By Your Name. Before watching it I was a little skeptic because I’d read on Instagram about how it was about pedophilia and such things. But then I saw it and I couldn’t find anything disgusting. I mean sure, the age gap was significant between Elio and Oliver but there wasn’t anything perverse, or at least nothing that I could point out. I could relate so so bad to Elio at the end of that movie. It shattered my heart and I cried for an hour, I think.

Some of my other favorite movies this year that I have watched have been Get Out, Good time, Below her mouth, Moana, Marhsall, That Awkward Moment, Beatrice at dinner, Raincoat, Bhumika, Manthan, and Nishant.

And I would like to give a special mention to The Emperor’s new Groove. I fucking love that movie. It’s so funny, and just all over masterpiece.

For TV shows, I just finished watching  Shameless. It’s absolutely disgusting but I guess that’s what life is. Everyone reaches a  new low every episode and that’s still so real? I don’t know why but I really like it. I also finished the Crown last week. I know, I was late but I’m finally all caught up. Then for Comedy I have a long list. Angie Tribeca, You’re the Worst, Difficult People, Brooklyn 99, Young Sheldon, and The Detour.

Grown-ish is again absolutely amazing. I didn’t think I’d like it as much as I liked Black-ish. I usually don’t like spin offs after the trauma of The Originals. Grown-ish is again, so relatable. I think that’s what college is like, from what I’ve heard, at least. I have a child, Shivani, who goes to a legit law school in Raipur, and from what she tells me, I get it. I absolutely love these TV shows and movies, man.

Supernatural for me is in a league of its own. I will never not like that show. Team Free Will till the day I die.

I know it seems like I watch a lot of TV, and it seems accurate. I do. I don’t have much to do but watch TV and movies and read books.

As for music, here are a few songs that I love love love right now:

  1. Riptide- Vance Joy
  2. Star Power- Sonic Youth
  3. Long time- Cake
  4. Perfect Places- Lorde
  5. Opps- Kendrick Lamar
  6. Jashn-e-Bahara

I also really like this song called “If it wasn’t for you” by Alesso, but I don’t listen to it. I avoid it at all costs because I can’t listen to that song without going into a manic depression for six months. But it’s a good song, though.

As for me personally, I have been struggling a bit. I have a sinking feeling in my heart and gut at all times. Anxiety is at an all time high. Like I said, I know why. I still can’t believe that it still affects me. Now that I think of it, there never goes a day where I don’t think about it, but for the past two weeks the sinking feeling has gotten deeper and I find myself praying again. To what? Even I don’t know. Even though the object of my love is no longer with me, doesn’t mean that the love isn’t there. I think it’s more than ever before and somehow it grows everyday. There’s nothing that I can do, nothing that I haven’t already done, so I pray.  I just pray that if there is any God, wherever God is, I hope they listen to me. I hope they have mercy on my soul. I hope that I feel so empty anymore. I hope.

I think we’re all caught up. I’m sorry this post was so long. I didn’t want to leave anything out. I needed the distraction and all those things I mentioned are really important to me.

So thank you for sticking around till the end.

 

 

 

 

 

Loony Tunes

Okay my petite croissants I’ve got some more amazing music for you all followed by a rant that even I don’t know about yet. So the music is :

  1. Cake – Long time
  2. The Walters – I love you so
  3. Kygo ft Selena Gomez – It ain’t me
  4. Aurora – Running with the wolves
  5. Mogwai – Take me somewhere nice
  6. Foo Fighters – Aurora
  7. Alex Turner – Hiding tonight
  8. Vince Staples – BagBak
  9. Iron- Cinder and Smoke
  10. Youth- Daughter
  11. Cage the Elephant- Instant Crush (cover)
  12. Kendrick Lamar ft U2- xxx
  13. Kendrick Lamar ft Rihanna- Loyalty
  14. Panic! At the Disco – Don’t threaten me with a good time
  15. Marshmallow ft Selena Gomez – Wolves
  16. Cake – I will survive
  17. Kendrick Lamar ft SZA : All the stars
  18. Vance Joy – Riptide
  19. Cigarettes after sex – K.
  20. Panic! At the Disco : I write sins not tragedies
  21.  Selena Gomez ft Gucci Mane : Fetish
  22. Cage the Elephant : Trouble
  23. The 1975 : Me
  24. The Marias : I don’t know you
  25. Panic! at the Disco : This is Gospel
  26. Varsity : So sad, so sad
  27. Jye – A shitty love song
  28. Angus and Julia Stone – Chateau
  29. Gregory Alan Isakov – If I go, I’m going
  30. Angus and Julia Stone: Down the way

This is all I can remember for now, but I’m thinking to start a journal of all the music that I find and absolutely love, so it’s easier to keep track of them in the future. I’m hoping that from now on, almost in every new post I can share some new music ( or music that is new to me) with everyone because literally nothing makes me happier than finding music that leaves me with goosebumps.

Now for the rant, I think I have finally figured out that I need to take control of what I want. If I want to graduate doing what I love, I have to make efforts. If I want to have a chance of making it as a writer, I need to make it happen for myself. I can’t keep giving up. If I want to live a stress and drama free life, I need to keep minding my own business.

And I think I’m going to get a dog. Ill be staying at home most of the time anyway from next month, apart from like seven hours a day. I would really like to love and take care of something, man.

 

 

Explain.

Explain something to me, if you will. I’m a firm believer when it comes to love that you only get one. One, and that’s it. I don’t mean the random dating, or sleeping around or when you just use people. No, I’m talking actual love. If you’ve fallen in love once, you cannot do it again, at least according to me. Yes, it is possible that you’ve failed a few times before you get the right person, but were the past ones actually “Love”? See, I’m the last person to talk about any of this. So bear with me if you want, or correct me if I’m wrong.

How do you fall out of love with someone? How does it happen? You just stop caring about someone who means the world to you? That seems a little impossible to me, if I’m honest. I may not like people in general, but I don’t think I actually hate anyone. I’m a stupidly forgiving person so I might be wrong but is there some internal switch I don’t know about? I was listening to “Love yourself” by Justin Beiber a few days ago and there’s this line which says I fell in love now I feel nothing at all.  Well, maybe you didn’t love her at all, jackass. Because everyone I know who has actually been in love are in two situations. Either they’re still together or they’re still in love with that person. And those who are still hung up, have legit reasons to get over their partners but they can’t because they actually loved them. I think they’re right. Once you love someone you can’t over them because it happens once. Once. That’s it.

I’ve seen my friends dying inside everytime they see a picture of their former partners with someone else. It literally looks like someone has stabbed them in the heart. They go from ear to ear smile to don’t-know-how-to-breathe in one second. I get it, it must be hard to see the person you loved with your life with someone else. Now, to be completely honest my friends are idiots, too. They did some super stupid shit which lead to their break up but tell me something. Couldn’t they be forgiven? Were their mistakes really worth breaking up over? Then again, what do I know? I’d forgive anything if I truly loved someone and believed that they loved me. I mean, of course not literally everything is forgivable but almost everything is.

What I believe is that if you actually love someone it’s magic. Because think about it for a second. You guys aren’t related. You have no obligations or reasons to love them. There’s “blood is thicker than water” kind of bond. You have absolutely no reason to love them but you still do. It’s magic and once the magic takes place I don’t think there exists a spell to undo that kind of magic.

I mean just look at us, man. We whine that we’re alone and when we do find someone we mess things up for no reason. There’s either lack of consideration of lack of forgiveness. One cancels out another, I think. Why do we make things so complicated? Most of the things are forgivable. I understand, once someone messes up they need to learn a lesson. But guess what? People do change. I’m not saying stupid lines like “Love is blind” and all that shit. Love is seeing everything and still accepting them.

No matter what.

But then again, what do I know right?

 

All

I’ll call you the boss,baby
You can have it all
Tell me when to run and when to stop
Ask me to jump and then to fall
Baby, you can have it all.

He had his eyes on me when I saw him
As he was walking to me I was falling
I knew it was wrong but to be honest
His eyes were the world and beyond it
I should’ve ran but I stuck on him
His skin touched mine and I lost it.

His mouth was Halloween
Promised all the wicked things
His tongue licked his teeth,

Got a plan on his mind

won’t let a second go to waste.
He’s sick, he’s twisted but he’s on it
He says, “Turn around,doll, I got this.”

He got me right where he wanted
Pinned underneath him and panting
His hands curled my throat and I liked it
“fuck it” I thought and started.
His room is fire, his bed is black
He’s doing that thing, back to back
Got a feeling I’m slipping through the cracks
But hell, he’s body is a party worth all the jacks

He’s bad, he’s taken, he’s on shit
He’s a devil, he’s a dog or all of it.
He’s lethal but I can’t seen to fight it
He’s in love with my skin and he’s marked it.
He’s smoke, he’s wine and chocolate
He got bourbon on his breath and  want him

He’s in me, I’m on him, we can’t resist.
He’s bleeding from his wallet but damn it
I couldn’t care less about what’s in it
He’s a white winged devil, an angel
He’s a scoundrel underneath all that gentle
I thought he got game but he’s fatal
My, my he’s making me grovel.

I’ll call you the boss, baby
Just don’t stop.
Call you the boss, baby
You can be my storm,
I’ll let you have it all
Just don’t stop.

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*Art courtesy, again, the very talented Sanjana Dawani. If you haven’t checked out her pages on Facebook, Instagram and Bananabandy yet, what the hell have you been doing yo?

Creepy

Okay, so I installed the Whisper App a few months back. You see, I feed on information and it doesn’t matter who I’m getting it through or how. I like knowing things. And this App was an awesome way to do that. And the anonymity of the users keeps you on the edge.
I hardly ever post, in fact I’ve posted there only 4 times and even those were in the moment things,the most recent one today evening.
Anyway, so this app was fun for me. I got to read a lot of funny things  a lot of tragedies, a lot of celebrations and a hell lot of creepy whispers.
I don’t have a very good social life. I hang out with like three people IF and WHEN I get the time, because you see, I choose to be a (almost)  nineteen year old who earns in 5 figures (And then spend it on Sephora, Mac and Absolute) I work more hours in a day than my parents combined. Granted, I don’t go to college as regularly as I should but to be honest that place is a joke. So you see, I make up for having no real social life by reading posts on Whisper and Instagram. These are the only two Apps that I actually use in my phone.
Anyway, getting back at the Whisper App, the following are the most funny Whispers I found today while I should have been was working. (Yes I took screenshots, and you can’t judge me)

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If you’re laughing, welcome and if you’re not then whatever 😛
Like I mentioned above, one of my 4 Whispers were sent out today. It was just a horrible, horrible feeling and I really had to get it out. ( But since I’ve managed to fuck up all my human relations my only choice was to Whisper it).  I guess about 10 minutes later, I got a private message on Whisper’s chat section. Now, I avoid that thing completely. I hardly ever reply to anyone and mainly those replies consists of me trying to explain my username to them. Because it’s awesome and totally un-understood by people who aren’t… well, him.
When I opened that message I didn’t quite catch the username. When I did, I face-palmed so bad. Like so so so bad. Against my better judgement, I decided to have the following conversation.

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Above this is the Whisper that I sent out. Sad, I know right?

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Did you see that username??!! I mean, seriously? Dafaq.
I’ve seen creepy. I’ve handled creepy everywhere. But one thing that really pissed me off was the fact that…people are looking for a way to hook up everywhere. If I were one of the people who developed this app, I’d grief about the fact that people are using this app to find people to date or hook up with. This isn’t the place. Instagram isn’t the place. In fact, to be creepy like this, there isn’t a place. There’s a difference between being single and being available. That difference is huge. I am not available. I will never be available. But just because I’m single doesn’t mean that you can ask me to sleep with you for a pair of Givenchy heels. If I want those, I’m well capable of buying them myself. I don’t need to sleep with anyone in order to get those. I don’t need to degrade myself in any way to get a materialised life. If I want it, I can get it myself. It would’ve been a whole different story if I wanted to date people for their money. I’d be typing this post out of a hell lot of more expensive device than the one I’m currently using. Hell, my selfies would turn out better if that’s all that I wanted in my life.
You can call me a lot of things but being a gold digger isn’t one of them. Do I like money? Yes. But do I like anybody else’s money? Nuh uh. I’m not a trophy girlfriend, I’m not someone’s arm candy, and I’m definitely not someone you can buy with a pair of heels. I like the money that I make. The money that I’ve earned. Because then when I spend it, on myself or others, that gives me satisfaction.
I just want to end this rant by saying that this creepiness needs to stop. Everyone, be it guys or girls, need to stop laying crap like this online. I’m tired of it, and I’m sure other people are too.

Saddest realisations

I’d found God.
I didn’t find him where the oceans end,
I didn’t find him where the skies stop.
I didn’t find him where storms are made
I didn’t find him where fires fade.
He wasn’t in the nature, hidden amongst the wild
But I found God,
I found him between two arms.

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Not at the bottom of glasses brimmed with alcohol
Neither in the smokes of my unending cigarettes
Nor in the perpetual highs I seeked.
I found god,
I found him in someone’s heartbeat.

I had God,
But I didn’t meet him in the highest of heavens
He didn’t punish me in the deepest of hells.
He didn’t hear me when I was stuck on between.
I did not find him in revenge.
I did not see him in hate
I saw him in forgiveness,
I felt him in fate.

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I’d found my god
I held him in my arms
I had God.
I had him in a lover.

*Pictures as usual by Sanjana Dawani, because she’s awesome and you guys should seriously check her page out on instagram, Facebook and Flickr.

At least tonight.

Fix your drunken eyes on me,

kiss me like you need to breathe

if not forever then.

at least tonight.

Tell me I’m your one and only,

and you’ll always be mine

it’s a lie but mean it,

at least tonight.

Don’t turn on the lights,

I’ll give you what you want

don’t be scared,

at least tonight.

Slightly broken is all you need,

And we’re shattered to pieces

I’ve got a cure,

at least for tonight.

Let the empty bottles rumble,

let them make a distant noise

forget about them,

at least tonight.

I’ll give you what you like,

then I’ll want to forget,

but no, not tonight.

I’m in over my head, let me dream

at least for tonight.

It’s just the start of the morning,

stay with me, smoke one more cigarette,

don’t let them burn out,

at least not tonight.

I’ll come out from behind that curtain,

and give you what you need,

but watch me in the dim light,

at least tonight.

Give me what I want,

and look into my eyes,

say that you love me, but don’t lie,

not tonight.

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The picture is, again, by Sanjana Dawani. Check her pages out at Facebook and Flickr!