Sometimes, I wish I could scream so loud that my voice would never be the same. Sometimes, I wish I could run so far and so fast that I’d never walk again. Sometimes, I wish my heart would go so frantic that the muscles would give up. Sometimes, I wish I could cut myself open so deep that all the blood would drain out. Sometimes, I wish I could swim so deep into the ocean that I would forget which way is up. Sometimes, I wish I could forget how to breathe. And sometimes, I do.
But mostly, mostly I just pray that I can go back home.
My aunt got married at the starting of this month. Because we belong to a typical Bramhin Family in Middle India, it was a five day function.
Oh, god I hated every second of it. I was in pure agony by the end of day one.
There are ample of reasons for my anti social behavior in weddings, especially of my mother’s side. It’s just…they’re really annoying, mean and kanjus people. They act as if they’ll take their money with them when they die. (Chati pe leke marenge). They’ve been cursed with really narrow minds and they refuse to evolve with the world. Only a couple of them are tolerable, otherwise every single one of them was after me.
Because in their pathetic, limited minds, I’ll be the next one to get married.
It was their luck that my mother was present, otherwise so help me god, I would’ve given every single one of them something to talk about.
I’ll not be getting married for a really, really long time. I have to live my life before I’m ready to give someone else an equal say.
This aunt that got married? Brightest person I’ve ever seen in my life. School topper, College topper, and got offered a job from Infosys right after college.
She gave all that up to get married. Who does that?! Who the hell leaves Infosys to get married? But whatever, it’s her life, and I don’t get a say, But no one, I mean NO ONE, gets to speculate that I’ll be the next to get married, because I won’t. From what I know about myself, I’ll be the last one to get married in my family.
Why should they wager who’s the next one, who’ll be the last and so on? One was after me because I don’t wear a nose ring. Why should I? I hate nose rings, they’d look pathetic on me. One after the other they came at me with their swords drawn. My height, my weight, my clothes, my features, my nose(very sensitive topic for me), my hair…kuch nahi choda. Heights of being a pain in one’s ass. Then again, they’d tease me about me being the next to get married.
I’LL NOT BE THE NEXT ONE TO BLOODY GET MARRIED! I wanted to shout on top of my lungs.
I have to cross off everything in my bucket list. I have to see the world, have awesome experiences, sleep on stations waiting for the next train, fall in love, get my heart broken, repeat 😛
There’s so much to do before you get married. My list is especially long. I don’t want to just complete college and then get set up with some chomu my parents found for me. Why should I settle when being unsettling is so fun?
And you know the worst part? Worse than people related to my mother saying that a girl is made for getting married? The food, man! I went to the wedding because I was promised good, heavy, greasy, unhealthy food. But nope! It was the worse food I’d ever had at any wedding.
Oh, and one more thing! There was this guy at the wedding, really hot and taller than me…turned out to be a year younger than me. Te next day, he messaged me on Facebook, and I found out he was a creep.
The heat in June was no help either. You could go out in the sun and feel your skin melting to your bones. If it weren’t for a centrally air conditioned venue, I would’ve been back at my home by the second day.
So, by far the worst week I’d ever had. I could’ve stayed at home and read Iliad…Instead, I gave five days of my life to a wedding.
The only upside was that I looked better than I usually did. I left my homeless look at home and acted like a girl for a change. The late night Girl talk was also….interesting (Mostly gross, but I guess to normal girls it was amusing)
Apart from that, I got rejected by four different colleges…so yeah, I was upset for a while. But I realized that I’ve got next year, and I’m going to try into Law Schools again, and hopefully, I’ll get the one I so desperately want.
There’s no point in getting anything easy, is there? Where’s the sense of satisfaction in getting something easy? Unless you work for it, it’s as good as a favor done on you by the universe. (Bheek mein mila lagta hai)
There’s no fun in not fighting.
So, I’ll keep on fighting till I’ll get what I want, and then proudly say that I earned it.
A lot of things have happened over the last couple of days. I’ve given three college entrance tests and have no hope of getting into any one of them. You see, I appeared for CLAT (Common Law Aptitude Test), SET (Symbiosis Entrance Test), Christ University Entrance Exam, and my next one IIM-IPM is due on 15th May, and the University of my city, DAVV’s (Devi Ahilya Vishwa Vidhyalaya) CET (Common Entrance Test) is due on 29th.
I’ve been grinded by classes, then baked in this Malva Heat and roasted by the pressure at home. And trust me when I say this, these things aren’t even the reason why I’m mad.
I’m mad because everyone around me seems to think this is the end. That if they don’t get a good college, their life will collapse. They think their whole life depends on these exams. You can’t even explain to them why it’s not the end of the world. They charge on you and you can’t win against a class full of IIM aspirants who have appeared for IIT and didn’t get in. You don’t want to get into a fight with wannabe IITians. They play dirty, and you’ll lose.
What they don’t get is that if they get into a good college, their life will, no doubt, improve. But if they don’t get in, it’s not going to deteriorate. They will return to their normal selves and settle with what they get, just like they always have been.
17 or 18 is not the age that decide the next seventy years of your life. Right now, I can bet everything I have (which is next to nothing but please, concentrate on my feels here) that 90% of those kids have no idea what they want with life. Right now, IIM and Law Schools seems very exotic and the yearly packages are what most of them are after.
Fine, then let’s look at it form their perspective. I’m not so keen on getting into the corporate world for the following reasons.
Suppose, I get into IIM this year. I get out after five years with an MBA diploma, that gets me an average package of 1,900,000 INR per year. (This is the approximate value, last years’s highest package was as high as 4,500,000 INR). A leading corporate firm hires me, and the next thing I know, I’m working 80-100 hours in a week. I’ve sold my passion, the thing that helped me survive, in exchange for something as cheap as money. Eventually, after 10-20 years, I’ll get sick of it. I’ll have money, no doubt. And yes, It’s easier to cry in an Audi than to cry on a scooter. But I’ll be crying, irrespective of what I’m crying on. My dream to travel places will have brunt to ashes because I can’t get the time. I won’t have time for thinking, let alone writing.
How is it any different than selling your soul due to greed? But then again, this is what I think.
A lot of my classmates ask me why I’m not panicking that the exams are only a few days away. I don’t have an answer to that. I just don’t panic. I don’t think exams are something to panic about. Yes, I was worried about my Boards, but after the first exam, I knew where I stood and it really wasn’t any different than giving any other exam.
And moreover, I don’t have that urge to get into IIM or any other fancy college. Honestly, the only reason I’m giving these exams is to provide satisfaction to my parents that I did try. If I get in, well and good. If I don’t, then we’ll see.
That’s my answer to everything. We’ll see.
I don’t panic, it’s kind of my thing. Sometimes, I even laugh when I’m in crisis or standing in front of the Vice Principle’s cabin. Of course if I was told to do something on gunpoint, then yes, of course I’d panic. I’m not a freaking saint. I’ll panic the hell out of myself, when the situation is worth giving myself that mini hearth attack.
Right now, I just don’t think that giving myself a panic attack is worth it. I mean, yeah, getting into a good college certainly will change my life, and help me a lot, but I just don’t get the point. I don’t want to work in big fancy corporate companies.
Anyways, it’s okay not to get into big colleges. It’s okay to fail in those entrance tests. I mean, seriously, It’s so bloody okay.
It’s not the end of the world.
Okay, the only reason I’m still posting here while my boards are going on is because I’ve recently learned that people who’ve told me the stories of their lives have also admitted to me that they’re scared by the fact that they’ve told me everything.
Here’s the thing.
I don’t go around telling the whole world what happened to you. Gossip is one thing, and sensitive matters are a whole different category of secrets.
I know how it feels like when you spill your guts to your stranger. It feels good for about an hour, and then the panic kicks in. I know, okay, I know how scary that can be. I’ve tried it. I’ve been where you’re at, that’s why I say how important it is to just say whatever you feel like to a person you know will keep your secret.
What will I get from telling people stories about your life? Why will I do something to others that I don’t want happening to myself? Come-freaking-on!
Whatever you’ve said to me in person, email, Facebook, or whatever is literally going to go with me. It’s never ever be spread out to other people.
As far as the fear of judging goes, I’m the last person in this big mad world who will judge you. Why? Because I’ve done more dumb stuff in my life than I care to remember.
So, the gossip part is out. The judging part is out.
Why the hell are you scared now?
I’m not carnivore. I’m not going to bite you if you tell me your problems (A few months back, I wouldn’t be so sure, but that’s irrelevant now)
If you’re reluctant to talk to me, then it’s your choice. I’m not going to hold you collar down or put you on gunpoint to tell me everything that’s happened to you!
But if you do decide to tell me, trust me on this, you have no reason to fear it afterwards. I’m not Charles Augustus Magnussen. I’m not going to blackmail you later in life in exchange for something.
So, I know most of you are going to read this.
Don’t be afraid. Fear is what’s going to take us down one day, it’s better we dump it first.
Okay, this day is coming sooner than I’d expected. It’s what I’ve been dreading for the past year…
The C.B.S.E. Board Examinations 2014 are starting from 1st March. Mine will drag till 10th April…
Panic Level :Extreme
This exam will literally be the piece of paper which determines my future….
It’s here…!!! 😮
I know I’m not the most social person on this Earth. I don’t know how to make conversations. I don’t know how to express myself apart from writing. Actually talking to people orally scares me. Yes, it frightens the living daylights out of me.
I stammer a lot more than I used to think a year ago. I don’t know if I do that under pressure, or I’m excited or god knows when. I just stammer, and it’s getting way, way out of control.
I’ve always been teased about it, especially in middle school, the part of my schooling I’d like to erase from my memory. More often than not, I laugh with them as well. Because I know that they don’t actually mean those stinging words. Teasing me about my stammering, I can handle. But when people started making fun of me for it, and meaning each and every word, it hurt.
It’s stupid, isn’t it? I don’t care what anybody says or thinks. I’m in my own bubble of books, music, and in the company of selected friends. Baaki sab jaye ghaans charne (Everything else can go to the deepest pit of hell.) Then why is this bothering me now? Nothing else about me bother me. I’m fat, I’m lazy, I’m an average student, I’m not good at any one particular thing. None of these things bothers me, but my stammering does. I don’t know why, it makes me feel like I’m such a…loser. It’s like, come on! Can’t you speak one sentence without stammering at least twice? It takes repeating attempts to speak a simple word as “Please”, at times.
It doesn’t happen when I’m talking to myself (Yeah, I do that), or when I’m speaking in front of a crowd (Have hosted school events to know that public doesn’t scare me) or when…no, I’m done. Those two are the only situations when I’m able to speak without irritating everyone, including myself. I stammer while talking to my friends, my family…everyone. It’s not like any one person scares me. It’s the idea of making a conversation, and then ending up making a fool out of myself that scares me. So, I avoid speaking at all, as much as I can. I read, I write and I avoid actually speaking. Because after being made fun of, I don’t think I want to relive those moments, ever.
Seriously, is every defect known to man somehow stuffed into me?