Tag Archives: smoking

Cut off

I’ve been having a rough time lately.

Issues that I’d thought I’d resolved have come back up to haunt me all over again. My self esteem is at an all time low ever since a girl decided to rip me apart one by one. It’s not about validation. I don’t need some dudes telling me I’m pretty and what not. Flattery is not an answer to anything. But whatever, there’s no solution to that problem.

Then there’s another problem that has been bugging me. My education. What the fuck am I going to do about that, man? I can’t be a lawyer. I’ll be the worst lawyer this world has ever seen and I’m not even exaggerating. I’m someone who cries when someone yells at me, how the fuck do you expect me to face another attorney in a courtroom? Also, every single time I sit down to study Constitutional Law, it makes me want to throw up. There was this chance that I could transfer somewhere from the 5th semester but my stupid university cancelled all exams until further notice. If I want a transfer it’ll have to be in 3rd semester, setting me back by a year again. I can’t keep losing years like this or I’ll be 30 and still doing my graduation.  I don’t even the backup plan that every girl has; to get married. Because let’s be real, I’m not even proper human material, let alone wife material. I have no choice but to make something of myself and I’m pretty sure it’s not going to happen if I keep wasting years like they’re seconds. If you ask me what I’m good at? Well, nothing really. I can read and watch an absurd amount but that’s about the end of my intellectual prowess. So you see, I’m fucked in all places all at once.  To quote a friend, “I feel like I’ve taken more loads than Sasha Grey.”

I don’t even have the solace of feeling like this is Karma getting back at me. I’ve done my time. Karma has had its due. We’re even. My only saving grace is the hope that the world will end before all this happens. Or I’ll die somehow, if not then I don’t know what the hell I’m going to do.

I tried traveling but even that didn’t work. All it did was leave me bankrupt for the rest of the month and gave me tan lines so sharp they could kill. It wasn’t all bad, though. I mean, yeah, hanging out by the ocean drinking cold beer is fun. Watching cute boys in the water without shirts is more fun. Smoking pot with some of  and trying to speak Portuguese is priceless. But what’s the point of any of it when you’re hundreds of miles away but you’re still thinking all the same things? 

I don’t go out a lot, either. Because I had an epiphany while I was off getting sunburned. I didn’t take my phone because it’s fucking useless. I took another one to click pictures and support my recent addiction to Boomerang. I didn’t tell anyone I was going because whenever I speak about something I’m going to do, it doesn’t happen.  It was being somewhat off the radar that I realized that not everyone I think is my friend, is actually my friend. Yeah, I know a lot of people but they’re not my friends. I realized they only ever called me when they needed something.  I don’t need anything from anyone other than their company. It sucked to realize that more than half the people only ever called me or remembered me when they needed something, and that they don’t actually care about me. I’m done calling people my friend when they’re actually not. They’re just the people that I know. I don’t have a problem being there for someone when they need me or helping them out with something. But I just expect them to be there for me, too.  That’s it. When I’m there for you at 4 in the morning, the least you can do is not ignore my texts. I’m done letting people walk all over me. I’m nice but I’m not fucking stupid.  It’s not even exaggerated expectation because there are a few people who call me even when they don’t need anything.

Radhika calls me just to tell me a joke or she just comes over wherever I am to simply hang out. Diksha calls me to tell me what all she did that day from waking up to going to pee. To be honest, they’re the only family I have. I don’t think expecting someone to just be there for me is too much. So since they don’t give a fuck then even I’ve decided not to. Like I said, I’m nice but not stupid. 

Don’t even get me started on boys. I’m just done with that altogether. I have enough issues without adding “boy” trouble to that.

Then there’s my dumb body which can’t run itself properly. I take vitamins, I take protein and I eat so much all the time. I still don’t gain weight. My face has become so ashy grey that I think it’s going to crumble if I go out in the wind. I have zero stamina to speak of. Then there are my ovaries who can’t behave themselves. It’s so fucking frustrating not having my period for almost a year now. Back in January I thought something happened but it was like only 2 days. The reports come up normal so I don’t know why is this happening. Am I pregnant? Am I dying? What’s happening down there, God? It was never my plan to have kids but it wasn’t in my plan to grow a mustache, either. Then there’s sleeping. I’ve been having so bizarre dreams that you wouldn’t believe.  So bizarre and so vivid that I’m not sure if it actually happened or not. I was jumping off a rock and into an ocean in one (Which isn’t possible because I can’t fucking swim) and in one I was having dinner with a family that I don’t think remembers me anymore. Then I keep waking up every few hours. So I’m seriously depressed, really anxious, malnourished and sleep deprived all at once.

 It sucks being me right now.

So you see, I’ve had a depressing month and I don’t think it’s getting better anytime soon. 

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No quitting. 

Yeah, this isn’t about “Not to give up on hope” kind of post. I gave up on hope a year ago.

This is about smoking. Let me take you back 2 years. I absolutely loathed smokers. I thought it was a nasty habit with absolutely no plus sides. I didn’t understand why anyone would want to inhale tobacco smoke. I’ve had major fights about this with people. I’ve done lame shit lime make people swear on my head that they’d never smoke again. If that were the case I would’ve been beheaded a thousand times. 

Now, I’m here typing this after smoking 5 of them myself. It started last new year. It was the first time I ever smoked and it was not pretty. My lungs burnt for 3 days. But then in May I smoked hash for the first time. It did absolutely nothing. It was a waste of money. But then I smoked another cigarette. That worked. 

I don’t admit this fact that I smoke. In fact not even a handful of  people know I do this. I’m kinda surprised my mom hasn’t found out yet. I don’t even chew a gum after I smoke. 

I’ve tried quitting but I don’t really have any reason to do so. I don’t want to live long. I’m not worried about some kind of cancer, either. It doesn’t even smell after 10 minutes so there goes my worry about smelling bad. Well, I will admit it is a little expensive, because I don’t work anymore. But I manage that part. 

I’ve been doing my best to lie as little as possible since almost two years now. But if asked about this, I’ll straight out deny it. I don’t care if they saw me firsthand smoking outside of The Nest (which is the only place where I smoke apart from my roof) I’ll deny it.

Most of all, I’m allowed to have bad habit. At least I’m not snorting cocaine before my morning coffee. I can have one guilty indulgence. 

So anyone who called me a hypocrite, you were right.

Congratulations.

You can go suck it.

Awkward: pt 2

I think it’s time that you give up on the hope that I’ll ever write something with a good title. Okay just stop expecting that out of me.
The past week has been… Well,awkward of course. Just because I’m bad at titles doesn’t mean I completely tc go in the other direction.
I got into some trouble at my second job and almost got fired by my senior, who is kind of a dick and has absolutely no authority to fire me. Then before that a package that was deeply awaited by me had arrived, but unfortunately I wasn’t home at that time so it was received by my father and let’s just say he must’ve gravely regretted opening it. Then I was talking to my only friend from college, and because I was alone at that time I had on speaker. To be honest, I should’ve known that it was a mistake. She’s not the kind of person you put on speaker. Ever. So the following conversation took place one morning at 5 because I was getting ready for work and she’s a weirdo who wakes up at that time without any reason.
(It took place in Hindi and was actually a lot worse than I’ve portrayed it)
Navjot: And then I got on top and Joza was like completely screaming like a girl because he can’t do it like I can even in his dreams.
Me: *Laughing like a seagull*
Navjot: And then he wanted me to bend over. I mean I’m all up for it but it’s like he thinks his is he is big enough to do that. After trying a lot I told him,”Baby, I don’t think you’ll be able to do this.”
Me: *Literally falls over the bed laughing.* Why would you say that to him?
Navjot: He was embarrassing himself trying to hit it as if he actually could I mean it was getting kinda boring just having him smacking against me.
At that very moment I heard my sister cough some water right outside my door. That was when I realised that she’d been awake this whole time. She looked at me with sheer horror, all while Navjot was still describing her acts in explicit details. I didn’t know whether to laugh or to be horrified or what.
Me: Navjot, shut up. Iraa is awake.
Navjot: Well, good. Now she knows what all can be done when you have limited resources and no coconut oil.
*Hangs up*
Sister: You didn’t go to office yet?
Me: My cab is about to come. Why are you awake so early?
Sister: Studying. My boards are coming up. By the way, do I want to know why she needed to degrade her boyfriend like that?
Me: Probably not.
Now, trust me. This wasn’t the most awkward thing to happen all week. This was just embarrassing. Now the awkward thing happened yesterday.
I was in my room with detanner all over my hands and legs. Now that stuff burns, okay? It works but it really really burns in the process. Now my dad knocked on my door.
Dad: What are you doing?
Me: Stuff. What do yo want?
Dad: Do you have change for a thousand?
Me: Yeah, wait a minute.
I opened the door and hopped on the bed again. The detanner was really starting to sting now.
Me: It’s in my black and white purse.
Now that was I stood still. I shouldn’t have done that. I really just shouldn’t have done that. I froze in my place as my dad looked into my purse. He pulled something else out and stared at me. No, it wasn’t some girl thing that he’d gotten hold of. He just stared at me.
Now I had perfect excuse for why I had them. They weren’t mine. They weren’t being used by me. They just happened to be there with me because I was holding onto them for a friend.
My father cleared his throat, pulled a cigarette out of the pack, took the lighter with him and just walked out of the room.
I know, right?