Tag Archives: India

Catching up

It amazes me how dumb I am.

Everyday I reach a new low.

Screw academics, I’m dumb as an all over individual, and this dumbness really doesn’t seem to be leaving me. I don’t think there’s a cure for how dumb I am.

It’s not only my incapacity of being an adult, it is also the results I get because of how dumb I am.

I turn that saying I came, I saw, I conquered into I came, I saw, I embarrassed myself.

There are too many instances of those, I can’t even begin to tell you about it. I’ll sit down on a clearly unfinished chair, say weird shit to people I met like five minutes ago, and also forget how to talk when I need it the most. I’m not one to say words like “Woke”, but count on me to say in front of actual professional adults.

I know what the problem is. See until a few years ago, honesty was a problem with me. When I stopped lying, I didn’t know that I won’t just lose my ability to make things up, but I’ll also lose the filter in my mouth. Like earlier I used to keep my bad jokes to myself, laugh at it for hours, and enjoy it but now, I feel the need to share it with others, which doesn’t bring any joy to anyone, it just earns me weird looks and curses.

But despite me being a dumbass, I’ve been doing good. I don’t talk to a lot of people, sure, but I guess that’s okay. I don’t want to talk to anyone new, especially a boy or something like that. I don’t k now how to talk to boys. They say things and I don’t understand them. They’ll be speaking like a proper human being and my outdated brain would not be able to comprehend what they said. Like this one dude was in town, and I hadn’t ever met him before so he asked if he could meet for all three days he was here and I made up an excuse on all of them. Because first, he could be a serial killer for all I know and second, I knew  I’d embarrass myself so why do it? I once accidentally said to a friend of me “Dude, that’s not how I like to be choked” and he didn’t talk to me for 3 months. There was no way in hell I was going to take this chance again. I never know what’s coming out of my mouth so I just minimize the chances of speaking altogether.

Leaving that aside, my hair is finally the color I wanted it to be!!! It’s very blue and green and what’s normally called “mermaid hair”. Ever since I drastically changed my hair, it wasn’t quite what I had imagined. There was always something I had to compromise on, but this time, I couldn’t have asked for more it turned out to be so so so great!

Now, time for this time’s playlist. There isn’t much, because I’ve been reading too much to listen or to browse more music.

  1. Nice for What- Drake
  2. Wild Thoughts- Rihanna & Bryson Tyler
  3. Ship to Wreck- Florence and the Machine
  4. Satisfied- Hamilton, the musical
  5. Chun Li- Nicki Minaj
  6. I like it- Cardi B ft. SZA
  7. All the Stars- Kendrick Lamar ft SZA
  8. Love lies- Khalid ft Normani
  9. Ten feet Tall- Afrojack ft Wrabel
  10. Tere Bina- A.R. Rahman
  11. IDGAF- Dua Lipa
  12. Bandaged Hand- Louden Swain
  13. Brother- NEEDTOBREATHE
  14. Me- The 1975
  15. Sleep on the Floor- The Lumineers
  16. Without you- Oh, Wonder
  17. Drive- Oh, Wonder
  18. Bad Habit- The kooks
  19. Robbers- The 1975
  20. Call out my Name- The Weeknd

I guess that’s it for now. I hope everyone’s going good. 😀

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Loony Tunes

Okay my petite croissants I’ve got some more amazing music for you all followed by a rant that even I don’t know about yet. So the music is :

  1. Cake – Long time
  2. The Walters – I love you so
  3. Kygo ft Selena Gomez – It ain’t me
  4. Aurora – Running with the wolves
  5. Mogwai – Take me somewhere nice
  6. Foo Fighters – Aurora
  7. Alex Turner – Hiding tonight
  8. Vince Staples – BagBak
  9. Iron- Cinder and Smoke
  10. Youth- Daughter
  11. Cage the Elephant- Instant Crush (cover)
  12. Kendrick Lamar ft U2- xxx
  13. Kendrick Lamar ft Rihanna- Loyalty
  14. Panic! At the Disco – Don’t threaten me with a good time
  15. Marshmallow ft Selena Gomez – Wolves
  16. Cake – I will survive
  17. Kendrick Lamar ft SZA : All the stars
  18. Vance Joy – Riptide
  19. Cigarettes after sex – K.
  20. Panic! At the Disco : I write sins not tragedies
  21.  Selena Gomez ft Gucci Mane : Fetish
  22. Cage the Elephant : Trouble
  23. The 1975 : Me
  24. The Marias : I don’t know you
  25. Panic! at the Disco : This is Gospel
  26. Varsity : So sad, so sad
  27. Jye – A shitty love song
  28. Angus and Julia Stone – Chateau
  29. Gregory Alan Isakov – If I go, I’m going
  30. Angus and Julia Stone: Down the way

This is all I can remember for now, but I’m thinking to start a journal of all the music that I find and absolutely love, so it’s easier to keep track of them in the future. I’m hoping that from now on, almost in every new post I can share some new music ( or music that is new to me) with everyone because literally nothing makes me happier than finding music that leaves me with goosebumps.

Now for the rant, I think I have finally figured out that I need to take control of what I want. If I want to graduate doing what I love, I have to make efforts. If I want to have a chance of making it as a writer, I need to make it happen for myself. I can’t keep giving up. If I want to live a stress and drama free life, I need to keep minding my own business.

And I think I’m going to get a dog. Ill be staying at home most of the time anyway from next month, apart from like seven hours a day. I would really like to love and take care of something, man.

 

 

Cruel trick of mind: 2

​I’ve had my share of bizarre dreams, okay? It seldom ever happens that something which my mind dreamt has left me distraught for days without an end. The first time it ever happened was in 2013. I dreamt that my grandfather is back to life. He even had a scientific explanation for it. Christ, did that dream hurt like a bitch when I woke up.

This time, I had the best conversation of my life. I swear to almighty God, there’s nothing I wouldn’t give to make that be real. It was just so simple. We were talking on the phone, being balls-out honest, and I said everything I had bottled up in me for the past year. 

It was just so real. I’m usually aware that I’m dreaming. I’m in the dream but I know it’s all over the minute I open my eyes. Not this time, though. You know how when you’re talking on the phone there are several little disturbances like someone calling your name, or a text message alert…even that was on point. 

Then what hurts most is the voice. I’d never heard something so clear in my life. It was like I could touch it if I wanted to, and I really, really wanted to. As pathetic as it sounds, a conversation that only happened in my mind is enough to drive me for months.

Imagine my devastation when I woke up. More than that, imagine how pissed I was at myself, because I’ve spent a major part of the past year trying not to think about that particular thing. I’ve done everything, I mean everything one can do to get over such things. From psychological books to Cosmo magazine; I’ve done it all. It wasn’t even on my mind the night before this godforsaken dream appeared. 

It’s like all my progress has been brought back to square one. All I want to do is roll up in a ball and never get out of my bed.

Bottom line? I had the best conversation of my life, in my dreams, with a man I can’t call anymore. It sucks ass.

*Picture by Sanjana Dawani. Check out her pages on Facebook and Instagram 

Explain.

Explain something to me, if you will. I’m a firm believer when it comes to love that you only get one. One, and that’s it. I don’t mean the random dating, or sleeping around or when you just use people. No, I’m talking actual love. If you’ve fallen in love once, you cannot do it again, at least according to me. Yes, it is possible that you’ve failed a few times before you get the right person, but were the past ones actually “Love”? See, I’m the last person to talk about any of this. So bear with me if you want, or correct me if I’m wrong.

How do you fall out of love with someone? How does it happen? You just stop caring about someone who means the world to you? That seems a little impossible to me, if I’m honest. I may not like people in general, but I don’t think I actually hate anyone. I’m a stupidly forgiving person so I might be wrong but is there some internal switch I don’t know about? I was listening to “Love yourself” by Justin Beiber a few days ago and there’s this line which says I fell in love now I feel nothing at all.  Well, maybe you didn’t love her at all, jackass. Because everyone I know who has actually been in love are in two situations. Either they’re still together or they’re still in love with that person. And those who are still hung up, have legit reasons to get over their partners but they can’t because they actually loved them. I think they’re right. Once you love someone you can’t over them because it happens once. Once. That’s it.

I’ve seen my friends dying inside everytime they see a picture of their former partners with someone else. It literally looks like someone has stabbed them in the heart. They go from ear to ear smile to don’t-know-how-to-breathe in one second. I get it, it must be hard to see the person you loved with your life with someone else. Now, to be completely honest my friends are idiots, too. They did some super stupid shit which lead to their break up but tell me something. Couldn’t they be forgiven? Were their mistakes really worth breaking up over? Then again, what do I know? I’d forgive anything if I truly loved someone and believed that they loved me. I mean, of course not literally everything is forgivable but almost everything is.

What I believe is that if you actually love someone it’s magic. Because think about it for a second. You guys aren’t related. You have no obligations or reasons to love them. There’s “blood is thicker than water” kind of bond. You have absolutely no reason to love them but you still do. It’s magic and once the magic takes place I don’t think there exists a spell to undo that kind of magic.

I mean just look at us, man. We whine that we’re alone and when we do find someone we mess things up for no reason. There’s either lack of consideration of lack of forgiveness. One cancels out another, I think. Why do we make things so complicated? Most of the things are forgivable. I understand, once someone messes up they need to learn a lesson. But guess what? People do change. I’m not saying stupid lines like “Love is blind” and all that shit. Love is seeing everything and still accepting them.

No matter what.

But then again, what do I know right?

 

All

I’ll call you the boss,baby
You can have it all
Tell me when to run and when to stop
Ask me to jump and then to fall
Baby, you can have it all.

He had his eyes on me when I saw him
As he was walking to me I was falling
I knew it was wrong but to be honest
His eyes were the world and beyond it
I should’ve ran but I stuck on him
His skin touched mine and I lost it.

His mouth was Halloween
Promised all the wicked things
His tongue licked his teeth,

Got a plan on his mind

won’t let a second go to waste.
He’s sick, he’s twisted but he’s on it
He says, “Turn around,doll, I got this.”

He got me right where he wanted
Pinned underneath him and panting
His hands curled my throat and I liked it
“fuck it” I thought and started.
His room is fire, his bed is black
He’s doing that thing, back to back
Got a feeling I’m slipping through the cracks
But hell, he’s body is a party worth all the jacks

He’s bad, he’s taken, he’s on shit
He’s a devil, he’s a dog or all of it.
He’s lethal but I can’t seen to fight it
He’s in love with my skin and he’s marked it.
He’s smoke, he’s wine and chocolate
He got bourbon on his breath and  want him

He’s in me, I’m on him, we can’t resist.
He’s bleeding from his wallet but damn it
I couldn’t care less about what’s in it
He’s a white winged devil, an angel
He’s a scoundrel underneath all that gentle
I thought he got game but he’s fatal
My, my he’s making me grovel.

I’ll call you the boss, baby
Just don’t stop.
Call you the boss, baby
You can be my storm,
I’ll let you have it all
Just don’t stop.

image

*Art courtesy, again, the very talented Sanjana Dawani. If you haven’t checked out her pages on Facebook, Instagram and Bananabandy yet, what the hell have you been doing yo?

State of mind

I was reading my previous posts. I’m really embarrassed by some of them but I don’t remove them because that’s the person I was when I wrote them.
I don’t miss that person, but I don’t want to forget her either.
I’ve noticed on thing… And it’s that happiness, it’s not a place. You don’t have to go anywhere to be happy. You don’t have to wait for it to come.
It’s just something you are… When were content with our surroundings.
One moment were happy and the other we’re pissed. One day we’re half in love with that person and two days later…we can’t even stand them. That’s just our mind.
Happiness is nothing but a trick our mind plays on us, just like sadness and grief and whatever.
I was happy two days back, and today I wasn’t. It’s going to happen again. One day I’ll be crying buckets and the next I’ll laugh like a freaking bear.
Life’s a mess one day and within a few hours we have hope. We’re lonely one day and surrounded by love the other.
Let’s talk about that really amazing guy who’s an asshole…I couldn’t get enough of talking to him few days ago…and then I was like “do you ever just not talk??!”
He’s really started to piss me off… I couldn’t even imagine another hour of his self praise and telling me what I can’t and can’t do… Just shut the fuck up, already!
Then again…the cycle rotated and today I’m backing him up again.
The point is that we can’t be a single person all the time. We can’t expect people to react the same either. I mean if he makes me wanna pull my hair out at times, then damn it, he must have the same reaction to me at times.
That’s just how it is. But we cope up with each other because we know that we have only a few people who actually understand us,and neither of us wants to reduce the number by one.
You guys, I really wanted to post our pics making funny faces when we went to McD … But the plan got delayed and now we’ll go out again on Saturday so…hopefully I’ll look.presentable in them.
So…for now, stay happy 🙂

The wedding blues.

My aunt got married at the starting of this month. Because we belong to a typical Bramhin Family in Middle India, it was a five day function.

Oh, god I hated every second of it. I was in pure agony by the end of day one.

There are ample of reasons for my anti social behavior in weddings, especially of my mother’s side. It’s just…they’re really annoying, mean and kanjus people. They act as if they’ll take their money with them when they die. (Chati pe leke marenge). They’ve been cursed with really narrow minds and they refuse to evolve with the world. Only a couple of them are tolerable, otherwise every single one of them was after me.

Why?

Because in their pathetic, limited minds, I’ll be the next one to get married. 

It was their luck that my mother was present, otherwise so help me god, I would’ve given every single one of them something to talk about.

I’ll not be getting married for a really, really long time. I have to live my life before I’m ready to give someone else an equal say.

This aunt that got married? Brightest person I’ve ever seen in my life. School topper, College topper, and got offered a job from Infosys right after college.

She gave all that up to get married. Who does that?! Who the hell leaves Infosys to get married? But whatever, it’s her life, and I don’t get a say, But no one, I mean NO ONE, gets to speculate that I’ll be the next to get married, because I won’t. From what I know about myself, I’ll be the last one to get married in my family.

Why should they wager who’s the next one, who’ll be the last and so on? One was after me because I don’t wear a nose ring. Why should I? I hate nose rings, they’d look pathetic on me. One after the other they came at me with their swords drawn. My height, my weight, my clothes, my features, my nose(very sensitive topic for me), my hair…kuch nahi choda. Heights of being a pain in one’s ass. Then again, they’d tease me about me being the next to get married.

I’LL NOT BE THE NEXT ONE TO BLOODY GET MARRIED! I wanted to shout on top of my lungs.

I have to cross off everything in my bucket list. I have to see the world, have awesome experiences, sleep on stations waiting for the next train, fall in love, get my heart broken, repeat 😛

There’s so much to do before you get married. My list is especially long. I don’t want to just complete college and then get set up with some chomu my parents found for me. Why should I settle when being unsettling is so fun? 

And you know the worst part? Worse than people related to my mother saying that a girl is made for getting married? The food, man! I went to the wedding because I was promised good, heavy, greasy, unhealthy food. But nope! It was the worse food I’d ever had at any wedding. 

Oh, and one more thing! There was this guy at the wedding, really hot and taller than me…turned out to be a year younger than me. Te next day, he messaged me on Facebook, and I found out he was a creep.

The heat in June was no help either. You could go out in the sun and feel your skin melting to your bones. If it weren’t for a centrally air conditioned venue, I would’ve been back at my home by the second day.

So, by far the worst week I’d ever had. I could’ve stayed at home and read Iliad…Instead, I gave five days of my life to a wedding.

The only upside was that I looked better than I usually did. I left my homeless look at home and acted like a girl for a change. The late night Girl talk was also….interesting (Mostly gross, but I guess to normal girls it was amusing)

Apart from that, I got rejected by four different colleges…so yeah, I was upset for a while. But I realized that I’ve got next year, and I’m going to try into Law Schools again, and hopefully, I’ll get the one I so desperately want.

There’s no point in getting anything easy, is there? Where’s the sense of satisfaction in getting something easy? Unless you work for it, it’s as good as a favor done on you by the universe. (Bheek mein mila lagta hai)

 There’s no fun in not fighting. 

So, I’ll keep on fighting till I’ll get what I want, and then proudly say that I earned it.

Panic, you say?

A lot of things have happened over the last couple of days. I’ve given three college entrance tests and have no hope of getting into any one of them. You see, I appeared for CLAT (Common Law Aptitude Test), SET (Symbiosis Entrance Test), Christ University Entrance Exam, and my next one IIM-IPM is due on 15th May, and the University of my city, DAVV’s (Devi Ahilya Vishwa Vidhyalaya) CET (Common Entrance Test) is due on 29th.

I’ve been grinded by classes, then baked in this Malva Heat and roasted by the pressure at home. And trust me when I say this, these things aren’t even the reason why I’m mad.

I’m mad because everyone around me seems to think this is the end. That if they don’t get a good college, their life will collapse. They think their whole life depends on these exams. You can’t even explain to them why it’s not the end of the world. They charge on you and you can’t win against a class full of  IIM aspirants who have appeared for IIT and didn’t get in. You don’t want to get into a fight with wannabe IITians. They play dirty, and you’ll lose.

What they don’t get is that if they get into a good college, their life will, no doubt, improve. But if they don’t get in, it’s not going to deteriorate. They will return to their normal selves and settle with what they get, just like they always have been.

17 or 18 is not the age that decide the next seventy years of your life. Right now, I can bet everything I have (which is next to nothing but please, concentrate on my feels here) that 90% of those kids have no idea what they want with life. Right now, IIM and Law Schools seems very exotic and the yearly packages are what most of them are after.

Fine, then let’s look at it form their perspective. I’m not so keen on getting into the corporate world for the following reasons.

Suppose, I get into IIM this year. I get out after five years with an MBA diploma, that gets me an average package of 1,900,000 INR per year. (This is the approximate value, last years’s highest package was as high as 4,500,000 INR). A leading corporate firm hires me, and the next thing I know, I’m working 80-100 hours in a week. I’ve sold my passion, the thing that helped me survive, in exchange for something as cheap as money. Eventually, after 10-20 years, I’ll get sick of it. I’ll have money, no doubt. And yes, It’s easier to cry in an Audi than to cry on a scooter. But I’ll be crying, irrespective of what I’m crying on. My dream to travel places will have brunt to ashes because I can’t get the time. I won’t have time for thinking, let alone writing.

How is it any different than selling your soul due to greed? But then again, this is what I think.

A lot of my classmates ask me why I’m not panicking that the exams are only a few days away. I don’t have an answer to that. I just don’t panic. I don’t think exams are something to panic about. Yes, I was worried about my Boards, but after the first exam, I knew where I stood and it really wasn’t any different than giving any other exam.

And moreover, I don’t have that urge to get into IIM or any other fancy college. Honestly, the only reason I’m giving these exams is to provide satisfaction to my parents that I did try. If I get in, well and good. If I don’t, then we’ll see.

That’s my answer to everything. We’ll see.

I don’t panic, it’s kind of my thing. Sometimes, I even laugh when I’m in crisis or standing in front of the Vice Principle’s cabin. Of course if I was told to do something on gunpoint, then yes, of course I’d panic. I’m not a freaking saint. I’ll panic the hell out of myself, when the situation is worth giving myself that mini hearth attack.

Right now, I just don’t think that giving myself a panic attack is worth it. I mean, yeah, getting into a good college certainly will change my life, and help me a lot, but I just don’t get the point. I don’t want to work in big fancy corporate companies. 

Anyways, it’s okay not to get into big colleges. It’s okay to fail in those entrance tests. I mean, seriously, It’s so bloody okay.

It’s not the end of the world.

Your secret is safe

Okay, the only reason I’m still posting here while my boards are going on is because I’ve recently learned that people who’ve told me the stories of their lives have also admitted to me that they’re scared by the fact that they’ve told me everything.

Here’s the thing.

I don’t go around telling the whole world what happened to you. Gossip is one thing, and sensitive matters are a whole different category of secrets.

I know how it feels like when you spill your guts to your stranger. It feels good for about an hour, and then the panic kicks in. I know, okay, I know how scary that can be. I’ve tried it. I’ve been where you’re at, that’s why I say how important it is to just say whatever you feel like to a person you know will keep your secret.

What will I get from telling people stories about your life? Why will I do something to others that I don’t want happening to myself? Come-freaking-on!

Whatever you’ve said to me in person, email, Facebook, or whatever is literally going to go with me. It’s never ever be spread out to other people.

As far as the fear of judging goes, I’m the last person in this big mad world who will judge you. Why? Because I’ve done more dumb stuff in my life than I care to remember.

So, the gossip part is out. The judging part is out.

Why the hell are you scared now?

I’m not carnivore. I’m not going to bite you if you tell me your problems (A few months back, I wouldn’t be so sure, but that’s irrelevant now)

If you’re reluctant to talk to me, then it’s your choice. I’m not going to hold you collar down or put you on gunpoint to tell me everything that’s happened to you!

But if you do decide to tell me, trust me on this, you have no reason to fear it afterwards. I’m not Charles Augustus Magnussen. I’m not going to blackmail you later in life in exchange for something.

So, I know most of you are going to read this.

Don’t be afraid. Fear is what’s going to take us down one day, it’s better we dump it first.

New Year, my a**

It’s a two hours to strike the clock 12 in India. Everywhere I can hear, there’s loud music. Everywhere I can see, there’s people choking themselves on food. Everywhere I go, I see people dressed up for parties. It’s a fest out there for party freaks.

What I’m doing for New Year? 

I’m in my PJs, studying methods to find of National Income. I’m in my worst clothes with hair like a haystack.  After finding out a nation’s national income by Product method, Income method and expenditure method, I think I’ll move on to personal disposable income of an individual. After that, I might solve a few cash flow statements.

Why am I doing this, you ask? Well, that might be because I can’t go anywhere after 8 in the evening. It doesn’t matter to my parents that it’s the last day of the year. My brother can go out and party all night but I can’t. Why, you ask again? Because I’m a girl. I can’t go out after 8, especially at a night like this because streets are filled with perverts.

So, if this “New Year” is going to bring a change in people’s mentality, then, and only then will I wish anyone “Happy New Year.” Anyways, why do we put a “Happy” in the greeting? What’s so happy about a new year? I’ve heard people say that it’s all about a brand new year ahead, a clean slate, an empty book or whatever. How do you know it’s going to be good? How do you know that someone is going to be “Happy” in the next year? What are you, a psychic? Do you see the future of someone when you meet them? If not, then keep you damn “Happy” new year to yourself.

But, you don’t always have to listen to me. I’m just pissed right now. I hate that I’m stuck at home with studies and other people are enjoying their asses off. I didn’t fight my parents, because they have a point, too. I don’t have a boyfriend who’ll “Protect” me if something bad happens. Being a teenage girl in India, who doesn’t have a chauffeur to drive her around, does have it’s limitations. 

This day has already been a bust for so long, as it already is. I don’t know why, I feel like talking to someone and crying my damn heart off. I don’t know why, I just want to do that. Then, I read all those Facebook statuses about New Year resolutions and all that crap. I can bet that hardly a handful of human population actually keep their new year resolutions.

So, if in the next hour, someone wishes me a “Happy” new year, they might not live to see the new year.

To everyone for whom every new year is a big deal, I really do wish you all the best, and I  can only hope that the next year may be better than this one.