Tag Archives: body

Oh my.

Hello, world.

I’m uncomfortable.

Just kidding.

Well, kind of.

I don’t know how it happened but somehow I became so comfortable with being alone and like three other friends that now the idea of meeting someone new makes me so uncomfortable its insane. When I say people, it’s mostly boys that make me feel uncomfortable.

I first came to know about this when me and my friend were just hanging out, minding out business and day drinking. Then, her friend called and invited himself. And it honestly made me want to leave. I don’t even know that dude, and I honestly don’t have any problem with him. Still, from the moment he arrived to when I left, I felt like shit.

Then some days later, my friend made plans with him again and invited me to go with them to Bhopal. I wouldn’t have even thought about it if it was just me and my friend, but some other dude with us??? The thought actually made me want to throw up. Needless to say, I did not go with them.

It’s also not limited to that one guy, it’s any guy. I legitimately panic if a guy calls me, like I did a few days ago when a dude I hadn’t spoken to in YEARS called me. I knew him in a very wild time of my life. Not something I care about reminiscing. I tried to relax myself because we were talking on the phone. There was nothing he could do that should have me feeling worried. I even tried to explain to him that being around boys had started to make me feel some weird way. Nothing good came out of it. He just suggested that I needed to get laid to change that attitude.

Then a dude I knew was in town in August, I guess???? He tried to reschedule three time and all three times I had to come up with an excuse which didn’t involve the words “The fact that you’re a boy scares the shit out of me”.

This feeling is annoying, because I do like boys. I’m human, I have…you know, urges and feelings, that too for the opposite sex. Not being able to talk to them hinders the entire point.

The only reason I’ve come up with to explain this is that over the past year, any guy that has ever come into my life has only ever wanted one thing. That’s okay for them to want to sex with someone, I don’t care. It’s just I’m not that person. I don’t mean this in a “I’m-so-hot-everyone-wants-to-sleep-with-me” because that’s not true. That’s just the pattern it’s been the past year or so for me.

It’s not like I didn’t try, you know. But I’ve been so focused on not lying to everyone else that I forgot to not lie to myself. I’m not that person who can be intimate with just about anyone. I’ve tried to be, but I’m not. It does not make me feel good and I refuse to do that anymore. I don’t care if other people do this. I’m not judging. It’s their body, it’s their decision and it’s none of my business. Similarly, It’s my body, and it’s my decision to not do that anymore, and it’s no one else’s business.

Do I wish things were different? Yes. I wish I was that person who could be carefree with her body, who could talk to whatever boy she wanted or do whatever with anyone she wanted. I don’t want to feel like crap afterwards. I so wish it was me. But it’s not. I don’t care what anyone else has to say.

It’s my body. It’s the only thing I can control. The decision to share it with someone, or not to, should be up to me, and only me.

But other than that, I do know a guy who is like family to me. Palash has never been creepy to me. He’s always been respectful and very understanding and I guess that’s the reason he’s the only dude who doesn’t give me the creeps.

I don’t know any more than this. This might be just a very prolonged phase, but this is what it is. I know I can’t go my entire life without talking to men, but for now, I’m willing to avoid it as much as I can.

 

 

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Changed 

“I love you.” 

Right now I’m not sure if I do anymore, but I say it anyway because it’s all that I am. I can’t remember what you look like very clearly, or even recall the sound of your voice. I’m not the same person you left and you’re not the same person I love. I love you in a way that you’re my whole world yet I would rather not feel like that ever again. 

But I know I love you because that’s the only reality I’ve known. I know I love you because I can’t love anything else. I know I love you because you’re my whole life, even if you’re not in it. 

I know that I love you. 

I find it comforting to hold on to this fading emotion because I know what it feels like and who isn’t a sucker for familiarity? 


*picture credit I’m not really sure about, it’s just a picture I found in my archives.  All credits go to the original photographer, not me. 

Mean

It’s been twenty years since I’ve come into this world. Sadly, I’ve been sensible for only the past two. Even when my actions made no sense, I don’t think I was ever someone who judged someone based on how they looked. I wasn’t that type of an asshole. Mainly because who the fuck am I to call anyone ugly or fat or whatever when I’m the same?

So when someone who knows absolutely nothing about me, started to talk shit about how I look and the way my body is, I lost it. It’s not like I haven’t heard how weird I look before. I agree with everything people say. My nose is weird. My skin is abysmal. My hair is worse. I KNOW. I know everything that is wrong with me but why the fuck do you need to repeat it over and over again? Even that’s fine when it’s all just a joke and everyone is making fun of everyone. It’s the comparison that hurts me. Specifically to someone who just brings out all my insecurities. 

There was this girl who just started talking shit about me. Mind you, this girl knew me for about twenty four hours. Then she started comparing me to another girl, whose name literally makes my heart drop to my stomach in an instant. First it was all a jest and even I was laughing but then she said something like: “God bless the man who has to see your face the first thing in the morning” and “That girl makes Niddhi look like a pig next to her” and I fucking cried. I mean this man she’s talking about doesn’t exist in my life yet.  It might’ve been a joke to her. That girl that she’s comparing me with isn’t even in my life anymore. And moreover, I know I look a little bit like a piggy.

But why hit right where it hurts? I mean I don’t go digging around other people’s insecurities then why the fuck are you doing this to me, man? Why are you being mean to me when I have done absolutely nothing to invite that kind of behavior? Why are you comparing me to someone in front of whom I will never have the genetic advantage? It’s not my fault I look the way I do. They didn’t ask my when my chromosomes were pairing up. They didn’t ask me what levels of melanin would I prefer on my skin. They didn’t ask me what kind of hair would I like. I was MADE this way. 

I even know that a dude will never ever choose me if his decision is solely based on the way I look. (To be completely honest, even if you put my personality in the mix, it wouldn’t help. Because who wants to listen to my dark humored puns and several fandoms all the time?) I know everything a person can hold against me. I’m everything a person doesn’t want in a human body.  How the fuck is it my fault that my skin is the dark or that my hair can’t behave itself. 

Why do we have to belittle someone just for the sake of being mean? I don’t understand what joy do people get in making someone feel so small and so bad? Why can’t we let people be?

There’s nothing funny or fun about bullying someone. It sucks, trust me. It makes you question everything from the way you look to the way you talk to the way you feel.

Please, just be a decent human being and don’t make fun of someone just for the sake of having a good time. All it does it create more mental issues. I don’t need more things to worry about, I have way more than enough. I don’t have relief in any aspect of my life. Why did you need to fuck it up even more?

So, please, for the love of all that you hold dear, do not make fun of someone’s insecurities.

My lists

So I introduced an idea a few weeks back. It’s in the post titled Take it off. It was that we all should make two lists. Under one head we should list down the things we don’t like about ourselves which are more physical in nature, and under the other one we should list down the things that we like about ourselves which are not physical.

Obviously, I expected some people to hit me up and tell me that it isn’t so easy to love one’s self. They told me that someone who has spent decades hating the way that they look cannot just change that by making some stupid list and embracing themselves. And if I think I’m so good at this accepting myself thing, why don’t I make a list and post it on my blog for the world to see.

I hated the fact that they seemed to assume that I had no insecurities and thought that I think I’m perfect. I’m not. I’m actually very very very far away from it. You think I don’t get that envious chill when I see someone like Gigi Hadid, or Adele or Lisa Hayden? No, it’s not that I don’t get insecurities. It’s just that I am what I am and I cannot change it. I’ve accepted it. When I had really bad insecurities about my looks, I actually thought about getting a rhinoplasty. There was even a family joke about it. What they didn’t know was that their jokes hurt me. My nose is weird. It’s not big or small..It’s weird. I don’t even know what shape to call it. I started taking the idea of changing my nose very seriously. Then one day my glasses slipped down lower on my nose, making my nose smaller in appearance. I looked in the mirror and thought…Is that me? That didn’t look like me. I didn’t like it very much. I didn’t want to look different. It occurred to me that even if I did change my nose, I wouldn’t like it very much. What’s the point of spending all that money and still not liking myself?

So, no. I don’t think I’m the the most beautiful person in the world. No, I don’t have the confidence of someone who doesn’t give a fuck. No, I do not think that I’m invincible and most importantly, No I don’t think I have the power to change anyone’s opinions just by posting something on the internet. It has to be you who does it. I can probably help a little by telling you that it is do-able and not the most bizarre thing in the world. Loving one’s self is difficult, especially when you’re your worst enemy.

But if knowing about my lists make you feel better, and makes you think that it’s possible that you can accept your body, and love yourself then I will gladly do it.

The things that I don’t like about my physical appearance are:

  1. I have these small bumps and red dots all over my arms and legs. I don’t know what they are, they’ve just been there ever since I can remember.
  2. My hair. It changes seasonally and since monsoon is coming, I need an army to protect my hair from frizz and shit like that.
  3. My vagina. Long story, but I’m very, very insecure of how it looks.
  4. I regret the scars on my thighs.
  5. My elbows and Knees. They’ve always looked like I was born in a coal mine. Again, no idea why.

The things that I like about myself that aren’t physical:

  1. I forgive people easily.
  2. I’m there for people. No matter what. Literally.
  3. I’m loyal.
  4. I defend my people to hell and back ( I guess that comes under loyalty)
  5. I do not judge. Like, at all.
  6. I’m independent.
  7. I learn from my mistakes
  8. I work hard. (Remember when I was working 17 hours a day?)
  9. I’m funny, man. It’s dark humor, offensive humor and way more sex jokes than should be allowed, but funny regardless.
  10. I’m strong as fuck, bro. Sometimes I surprise myself.( I didn’t think I’d survive 30th June of last year, 28th August of last year or 28th April of this year, or 22nd May of this year. But I did. I’m so proud of myself for that. I’m not saying I’m unbreakable or that I can’t be hurt. No, all I’m saying is that I’m capable of handling a lot of things that life’s thrown at me.)
  11. I accept myself.

So there you go. My lists are all out in the open. My lists of things I like about myself is longer, because I’ve developed those traits. Not to impress anyone, but to become a better person. For the people around me and for myself.

Again, by no means am I suggesting that I’m over every little insecurity that I had. I’m not. But no one, and I mean absolutely no one in this world is going to make me feel bad about my body, not even me. Especially not me. You can point out my mistakes, you can remind me of them for the rest of my life, but you cannot say that I haven’t changed for the better. And I will keep on changing.

So should you. If you don’t love yourself today, it’s okay. You will if you try to. You will fail, but that’s okay. Nobody succeeded without failing first. You’re not doing things right if you aren’t failing. So failing is okay. Be sure to get back in the game and start from the scratch if need be. You’re worth all this effort. Trust me.

You’re beautiful and you’re unique and the world wouldn’t be the same without you.

 

 

 

 

Take it off.

I’m going to be a creep and ask you to do somethings, even though you don’t really know me and you have no reason to follow my advice. Let’s play along for now, okay?

When you go home, do the following two things for me. It’s not just for girls. All of us, male, female and everyone in between. We’re doing this together. We’re a team here. (Even though you literally just found this blog)

Okay, so you’re home? (Any other equivalent would do) Good. Now take your makeup off if you’re wearing it. Chill, I’m not against make-up. I love it myself. Just trust me on this one. I’m taking it off with you, too.

Is it done? Cool.

Now take your clothes off. Again, I know I sound like a creep but I’m asking you to play along with me again. Just take it all off. Be sure to close all the doors and windows. Take off any shred of clothing you have on. Go stand in front of your mirror. Take your hair down. If your hairdo took some effort, I respect that yo. But otherwise if you’ve got your hair tied up, let them loose.

Look at yourself. Really, really look at yourself. Turn around, swirl a little, do whatever you want. Just really see yourself. Notice each and every scar, every little freckle, every mole every stretch mark. Don’t let anything go by.  You can pretend you’re at a photo-shoot, if you like. Strike a pose, hold your hair up, do anything you want. Just let yourself loose. Put on a song, dance to it, pretend you’re in a music video. Hell, you can twerk if that’s what you like to do. Just do you.

Now, if you like what you see, you rock! If you don’t like what you see, you rock!

This next step might take a little more effort. I need you to make up a list. Under one head, list all the things you don’t like about yourself which are physical. Under the other head, list all the attributes you like about yourself which are not physical. And don’t be one of those people who’re like I don’t have any good quality. That’s a lie. You know it, I know it, pretty sure everyone else knows it, too.

Which list is longer? The physical one or the other one?

If the list which contains the physical “imperfections” is longer, I’m going to have to ask you to read it again and again. Tell me, something. Are those things  you don’t like about yourself or are they something you’ve been told are wrong with you. This one is going to take a while to realize. You’ll need to think long and hard about it. There are certain things that we think define beauty. That’s the most fuckall concept of them all. I’m more likely to agree with Donald Trump than I am to agree with the fact that beauty can be defined.

The literal definition of beauty is “pleasing the senses or mind aesthetically”. Isn’t that the most flexible and compliant thing you’ve ever read? Some people find the rain beautiful, while some hate it. Some people love Van Gogh while some can’t stand him. We don’t criticize them for it, then why do we do it when it comes to physical appearance of other people? Everything that please YOU is beautiful and everything that doesn’t is not. (Don’t be an asshole and stomp on other people’s opinions. You may like it, you may not like it. Nothing gives you the right to be judgmental towards other people’s opinions) A thigh gap doesn’t define you. Your skin color doesn’t define you. Your weight doesn’t define you. Nothing but your energy defines you. Trust me on this thing. It doesn’t matter what you look like if your energy is positive. I know I sound like a hippie right now talking about Energy and all that crap. But it’s real. The more positive your thoughts are, the more you will accept yourself. The more you accept yourself, the more you are accepting of others. You know, if I think about it now, maybe the only reason I was such a shitty person up until a year ago was because I didn’t accept myself. Although I did all those things without any intention, people did get hurt. I hurt them, because deep down I wanted to hurt myself. I know sorry doesn’t do much, but it’s all I got. You look the way you do because that’s the way it is. If you’re body is healthy, there’s no reason why you should gain or lose weight. Health is everything. It’s all that matters. Instead of trying to fit into the “Ideal” concept of beauty, how about we try to focus on being healthy instead?

Now, if your list of internal qualities was longer than the list of things you don’t like about your physical appearance, I need you to tell me what your thoughts are on what I just said. Am I right or wrong? Please, also tell me if I missed something.

What I was trying to say was that the day you accept yourself, you turn into a newer and better version of yourself. You feel good and you do good. It takes time, I should know. It’s not impossible to love yourself, either. YOU are the person you have to live with for the rest of your life, every waking and sleeping second. The least we can do is love ourselves, right?

With that, we’re done with the weirdest exercise ever.