Tag Archives: anger

Changed 

“I love you.” 

Right now I’m not sure if I do anymore, but I say it anyway because it’s all that I am. I can’t remember what you look like very clearly, or even recall the sound of your voice. I’m not the same person you left and you’re not the same person I love. I love you in a way that you’re my whole world yet I would rather not feel like that ever again. 

But I know I love you because that’s the only reality I’ve known. I know I love you because I can’t love anything else. I know I love you because you’re my whole life, even if you’re not in it. 

I know that I love you. 

I find it comforting to hold on to this fading emotion because I know what it feels like and who isn’t a sucker for familiarity? 


*picture credit I’m not really sure about, it’s just a picture I found in my archives.  All credits go to the original photographer, not me. 

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The wedding blues.

My aunt got married at the starting of this month. Because we belong to a typical Bramhin Family in Middle India, it was a five day function.

Oh, god I hated every second of it. I was in pure agony by the end of day one.

There are ample of reasons for my anti social behavior in weddings, especially of my mother’s side. It’s just…they’re really annoying, mean and kanjus people. They act as if they’ll take their money with them when they die. (Chati pe leke marenge). They’ve been cursed with really narrow minds and they refuse to evolve with the world. Only a couple of them are tolerable, otherwise every single one of them was after me.

Why?

Because in their pathetic, limited minds, I’ll be the next one to get married. 

It was their luck that my mother was present, otherwise so help me god, I would’ve given every single one of them something to talk about.

I’ll not be getting married for a really, really long time. I have to live my life before I’m ready to give someone else an equal say.

This aunt that got married? Brightest person I’ve ever seen in my life. School topper, College topper, and got offered a job from Infosys right after college.

She gave all that up to get married. Who does that?! Who the hell leaves Infosys to get married? But whatever, it’s her life, and I don’t get a say, But no one, I mean NO ONE, gets to speculate that I’ll be the next to get married, because I won’t. From what I know about myself, I’ll be the last one to get married in my family.

Why should they wager who’s the next one, who’ll be the last and so on? One was after me because I don’t wear a nose ring. Why should I? I hate nose rings, they’d look pathetic on me. One after the other they came at me with their swords drawn. My height, my weight, my clothes, my features, my nose(very sensitive topic for me), my hair…kuch nahi choda. Heights of being a pain in one’s ass. Then again, they’d tease me about me being the next to get married.

I’LL NOT BE THE NEXT ONE TO BLOODY GET MARRIED! I wanted to shout on top of my lungs.

I have to cross off everything in my bucket list. I have to see the world, have awesome experiences, sleep on stations waiting for the next train, fall in love, get my heart broken, repeat 😛

There’s so much to do before you get married. My list is especially long. I don’t want to just complete college and then get set up with some chomu my parents found for me. Why should I settle when being unsettling is so fun? 

And you know the worst part? Worse than people related to my mother saying that a girl is made for getting married? The food, man! I went to the wedding because I was promised good, heavy, greasy, unhealthy food. But nope! It was the worse food I’d ever had at any wedding. 

Oh, and one more thing! There was this guy at the wedding, really hot and taller than me…turned out to be a year younger than me. Te next day, he messaged me on Facebook, and I found out he was a creep.

The heat in June was no help either. You could go out in the sun and feel your skin melting to your bones. If it weren’t for a centrally air conditioned venue, I would’ve been back at my home by the second day.

So, by far the worst week I’d ever had. I could’ve stayed at home and read Iliad…Instead, I gave five days of my life to a wedding.

The only upside was that I looked better than I usually did. I left my homeless look at home and acted like a girl for a change. The late night Girl talk was also….interesting (Mostly gross, but I guess to normal girls it was amusing)

Apart from that, I got rejected by four different colleges…so yeah, I was upset for a while. But I realized that I’ve got next year, and I’m going to try into Law Schools again, and hopefully, I’ll get the one I so desperately want.

There’s no point in getting anything easy, is there? Where’s the sense of satisfaction in getting something easy? Unless you work for it, it’s as good as a favor done on you by the universe. (Bheek mein mila lagta hai)

 There’s no fun in not fighting. 

So, I’ll keep on fighting till I’ll get what I want, and then proudly say that I earned it.

Not worth it

So…ahem, anyone who said that heartbreak is worth the experience… It’s not.

Nothing, like, NOTHING, is worth the pain (Or anger, in my case).

Nothing serious, okay? I just…I thought I was above all that teenage drama and stupid crushes and relationships or whatever….but as it turns out, I’m a normal teenager.

I just don’t like it. It’s upsets me, but doesn’t hurt. It’s mostly anger, and it’s completely screwing with what I thought of myself.

Just saying, not worth it.

Thank god for ice cream with melted chocolate. Now, that’s worth getting fat 😛

 

New Year, my a**

It’s a two hours to strike the clock 12 in India. Everywhere I can hear, there’s loud music. Everywhere I can see, there’s people choking themselves on food. Everywhere I go, I see people dressed up for parties. It’s a fest out there for party freaks.

What I’m doing for New Year? 

I’m in my PJs, studying methods to find of National Income. I’m in my worst clothes with hair like a haystack.  After finding out a nation’s national income by Product method, Income method and expenditure method, I think I’ll move on to personal disposable income of an individual. After that, I might solve a few cash flow statements.

Why am I doing this, you ask? Well, that might be because I can’t go anywhere after 8 in the evening. It doesn’t matter to my parents that it’s the last day of the year. My brother can go out and party all night but I can’t. Why, you ask again? Because I’m a girl. I can’t go out after 8, especially at a night like this because streets are filled with perverts.

So, if this “New Year” is going to bring a change in people’s mentality, then, and only then will I wish anyone “Happy New Year.” Anyways, why do we put a “Happy” in the greeting? What’s so happy about a new year? I’ve heard people say that it’s all about a brand new year ahead, a clean slate, an empty book or whatever. How do you know it’s going to be good? How do you know that someone is going to be “Happy” in the next year? What are you, a psychic? Do you see the future of someone when you meet them? If not, then keep you damn “Happy” new year to yourself.

But, you don’t always have to listen to me. I’m just pissed right now. I hate that I’m stuck at home with studies and other people are enjoying their asses off. I didn’t fight my parents, because they have a point, too. I don’t have a boyfriend who’ll “Protect” me if something bad happens. Being a teenage girl in India, who doesn’t have a chauffeur to drive her around, does have it’s limitations. 

This day has already been a bust for so long, as it already is. I don’t know why, I feel like talking to someone and crying my damn heart off. I don’t know why, I just want to do that. Then, I read all those Facebook statuses about New Year resolutions and all that crap. I can bet that hardly a handful of human population actually keep their new year resolutions.

So, if in the next hour, someone wishes me a “Happy” new year, they might not live to see the new year.

To everyone for whom every new year is a big deal, I really do wish you all the best, and I  can only hope that the next year may be better than this one.