All posts by Impala67

About Impala67

This too shall pass;

Paradise

We aren’t where we started.

We aren’t where we ended, either.

We’re far away from that place and those moments.

Right now, at this second, the only thing I remember is how you looked at me this morning and the only thing I feel is your eyes on me.

Beaches and sunsets, strawberries with champagne, and cigarettes and skin; this is what I’ll take with me when we return to that place.

This will end.

You will leave me, again.

Other people will burst our bubble, again.

You’ll still know there’s me out there, who loves you more than I’m capable of.

I’ll still wonder if you ever really did.

Whatever happens, I want you to know,

This Paradise was worth the hell that’ll follow

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Oh my.

Hello, world.

I’m uncomfortable.

Just kidding.

Well, kind of.

I don’t know how it happened but somehow I became so comfortable with being alone and like three other friends that now the idea of meeting someone new makes me so uncomfortable its insane. When I say people, it’s mostly boys that make me feel uncomfortable.

I first came to know about this when me and my friend were just hanging out, minding out business and day drinking. Then, her friend called and invited himself. And it honestly made me want to leave. I don’t even know that dude, and I honestly don’t have any problem with him. Still, from the moment he arrived to when I left, I felt like shit.

Then some days later, my friend made plans with him again and invited me to go with them to Bhopal. I wouldn’t have even thought about it if it was just me and my friend, but some other dude with us??? The thought actually made me want to throw up. Needless to say, I did not go with them.

It’s also not limited to that one guy, it’s any guy. I legitimately panic if a guy calls me, like I did a few days ago when a dude I hadn’t spoken to in YEARS called me. I knew him in a very wild time of my life. Not something I care about reminiscing. I tried to relax myself because we were talking on the phone. There was nothing he could do that should have me feeling worried. I even tried to explain to him that being around boys had started to make me feel some weird way. Nothing good came out of it. He just suggested that I needed to get laid to change that attitude.

Then a dude I knew was in town in August, I guess???? He tried to reschedule three time and all three times I had to come up with an excuse which didn’t involve the words “The fact that you’re a boy scares the shit out of me”.

This feeling is annoying, because I do like boys. I’m human, I have…you know, urges and feelings, that too for the opposite sex. Not being able to talk to them hinders the entire point.

The only reason I’ve come up with to explain this is that over the past year, any guy that has ever come into my life has only ever wanted one thing. That’s okay for them to want to sex with someone, I don’t care. It’s just I’m not that person. I don’t mean this in a “I’m-so-hot-everyone-wants-to-sleep-with-me” because that’s not true. That’s just the pattern it’s been the past year or so for me.

It’s not like I didn’t try, you know. But I’ve been so focused on not lying to everyone else that I forgot to not lie to myself. I’m not that person who can be intimate with just about anyone. I’ve tried to be, but I’m not. It does not make me feel good and I refuse to do that anymore. I don’t care if other people do this. I’m not judging. It’s their body, it’s their decision and it’s none of my business. Similarly, It’s my body, and it’s my decision to not do that anymore, and it’s no one else’s business.

Do I wish things were different? Yes. I wish I was that person who could be carefree with her body, who could talk to whatever boy she wanted or do whatever with anyone she wanted. I don’t want to feel like crap afterwards. I so wish it was me. But it’s not. I don’t care what anyone else has to say.

It’s my body. It’s the only thing I can control. The decision to share it with someone, or not to, should be up to me, and only me.

But other than that, I do know a guy who is like family to me. Palash has never been creepy to me. He’s always been respectful and very understanding and I guess that’s the reason he’s the only dude who doesn’t give me the creeps.

I don’t know any more than this. This might be just a very prolonged phase, but this is what it is. I know I can’t go my entire life without talking to men, but for now, I’m willing to avoid it as much as I can.

 

 

To you.

I haven’t slept in days. I haven’t been able to think in weeks. I haven’t been happy in months and I haven’t known peace in years.

I’ve known bodies of strangers. I’ve let them know mine. I’ve been places with them. I’ve woken up and slept besides them. I’ve welcomed them and let them go.

I’ve made them laugh, made them cry, made them sad and made them happy. I’ve seen parts of them they wouldn’t let anyone else see.

They didn’t make me happy or sad. I’ve lied and said they bring me joy, while all they bring me is an escape from an aching loneliness.

That’s okay.

I stopped mourning your loss. I’ve stopped looking at your pictures, I actually threw them all away. Every note you wrote me now lies one with the dirt. I deleted every trace that lead me to you.

But right now, at this very moment, I miss you to a point where I don’t think I can’t function. I miss you so much I think it’s tangible, like I’ll somehow be able to call you back home.

I’ve come to realize that it was my destiny to love you and for you to not. It might as well be my purpose to live; to love you beyond inhibitions. To always be yours. To always be happy only with you.

And that’s okay, too.

Whatever you do, wherever you are, I’ll miss you.

I’ll love you.

Always.

Moose’s moosic

I have a butt load of new music for you guys so if you want you can scroll down to it.

As for the actual content of the post, ya girl’s struggling. Not only am I struggling to keep up with my own mind, I’m now for the fourth time in my life, struggling with my body as well.

I don’t ever remember being as sick as I was until two days ago.

I still can’t properly talk without breathing heavily in between my words. Strange, I know because I’m not that old. I might feel that old but I’m just 21. Being sick sucks ass. Not just because I have to stay at home all the time but because doing every day things becomes a time consuming task. What did you do today? Oh, I took a shower.

Getting sick was majorly my mind’s fault. See whenever I feel like my life is over and I want to fucking die, my body takes it seriously and I almost instantly fall sick. This happened the last time in 2015 at almost the same time. But this time nothing actually happened, except for my stupid bipolar brain.

Anyway, I had fever for about a week which included throwing up everything I ate, not being able to sit up for more than half hour and such things. I couldn’t speak because of a cold which had invited itself to the party, and on top of everything I got my period. So you can see why I’ve been struggling.

See a rental breakdown differs from one person to another, but for me it’s not as much a scene as it is not being able to function because of the issues my brain has developed for no good reason. Some of them are new and some haven’t gone away for years.

I’m always scared that people don’t actually like me and they just hang out with me because they HAVE TO tolerate me or some shit. I’m a good friend. Yes I’ll say that because I am. I wasn’t always a model friend but I can say that I am now. I can’t count the amount of times I’ve put someone before me. I know in the back of my rational brain that I shouldn’t expect people to do the same for me but then the petty side goes WHY THE FUCK NOT.

So whenever my brain acts up, I distance myself from everyone. Because if not, I’ll just fight and I’ll come across as a needy baby which at some level I am but I’d rather not have that become so fucking obvious.

Then comes the realization that no one actually loves me and that no one ever will. I’ve had just one person love me and I don’t have that anymore. I haven’t had it since. Yeah sure I have friends who hang out with me and what not but I don’t think I remember what it feels to be loved.

It’s not about a boy or a girl or a relationship. It’s just about the lack of feeling wanted and cared for. So you see it becomes a task for me to go on with my life when I feel like I have so much weight on my shoulders.

But anyway, I’ll continue in the next post because right now i want to sleep and I want to publish this thing before I pass out.

The playlist these days has been the following:

Like real people do: Hozier

Solo: Clean bandit ft Demi Lovato

Bartier Cardi: Cardi B ft 21 Savage

Where is my mind?: The pixies

Famous: Kanye West

Killian’s red: Nada Surf

My my my: Troye Sivan

Drip: Cardi B ft Migos

Strawberries and cigarettes: Troye Sivan

Apeshit: The Carters

Saturday night: Panic! At the Disco

Dance to this: Troye Sivan ft Ariana Grande

Django Jane: Janelle Monae

She looks like fun: Arctic Monkeys

Yikes: Kanye West

Four out if five: Arctic monkeys

Fire and flood: Vance Joy

June: Florence and the machine

Brother: Kodaline

Love you.

It’s been a long time since I’ve held you close enough to feel your heart.

It’s been a long time since you’ve looked at me like I’m a part of your world.

Days have turned into years and I think I’ve forgotten what your voice feels like.

It’s midnight and I’m a little drunk and all I can think of is how the fuck did we not make it?

I love you more than anything in this world and yet somehow it’s not enough? I’d give up anything and everything for you, and still it’s been a year since I even heard about you?

It’s been a long time since someone has made me feel the way you do. It feels like a lifetime has passed and I still haven’t found anyone who’ll love me like you did. Maybe I won’t. Maybe that’s the point.

Years have passed and still I think about you every single day. I might have a problem, I’ll admit that. I want it to be over, too.

I want to move on, too.

But how will I ever love someone when I’ve already given all of it to you?

It’s been a long time since I’ve said that I love you. It’s been a long time since you said you love me, too.

It’s been a long time but here I am again, feeling asking you to love me back.

I love you

Catching up

It amazes me how dumb I am.

Everyday I reach a new low.

Screw academics, I’m dumb as an all over individual, and this dumbness really doesn’t seem to be leaving me. I don’t think there’s a cure for how dumb I am.

It’s not only my incapacity of being an adult, it is also the results I get because of how dumb I am.

I turn that saying I came, I saw, I conquered into I came, I saw, I embarrassed myself.

There are too many instances of those, I can’t even begin to tell you about it. I’ll sit down on a clearly unfinished chair, say weird shit to people I met like five minutes ago, and also forget how to talk when I need it the most. I’m not one to say words like “Woke”, but count on me to say in front of actual professional adults.

I know what the problem is. See until a few years ago, honesty was a problem with me. When I stopped lying, I didn’t know that I won’t just lose my ability to make things up, but I’ll also lose the filter in my mouth. Like earlier I used to keep my bad jokes to myself, laugh at it for hours, and enjoy it but now, I feel the need to share it with others, which doesn’t bring any joy to anyone, it just earns me weird looks and curses.

But despite me being a dumbass, I’ve been doing good. I don’t talk to a lot of people, sure, but I guess that’s okay. I don’t want to talk to anyone new, especially a boy or something like that. I don’t k now how to talk to boys. They say things and I don’t understand them. They’ll be speaking like a proper human being and my outdated brain would not be able to comprehend what they said. Like this one dude was in town, and I hadn’t ever met him before so he asked if he could meet for all three days he was here and I made up an excuse on all of them. Because first, he could be a serial killer for all I know and second, I knew  I’d embarrass myself so why do it? I once accidentally said to a friend of me “Dude, that’s not how I like to be choked” and he didn’t talk to me for 3 months. There was no way in hell I was going to take this chance again. I never know what’s coming out of my mouth so I just minimize the chances of speaking altogether.

Leaving that aside, my hair is finally the color I wanted it to be!!! It’s very blue and green and what’s normally called “mermaid hair”. Ever since I drastically changed my hair, it wasn’t quite what I had imagined. There was always something I had to compromise on, but this time, I couldn’t have asked for more it turned out to be so so so great!

Now, time for this time’s playlist. There isn’t much, because I’ve been reading too much to listen or to browse more music.

  1. Nice for What- Drake
  2. Wild Thoughts- Rihanna & Bryson Tyler
  3. Ship to Wreck- Florence and the Machine
  4. Satisfied- Hamilton, the musical
  5. Chun Li- Nicki Minaj
  6. I like it- Cardi B ft. SZA
  7. All the Stars- Kendrick Lamar ft SZA
  8. Love lies- Khalid ft Normani
  9. Ten feet Tall- Afrojack ft Wrabel
  10. Tere Bina- A.R. Rahman
  11. IDGAF- Dua Lipa
  12. Bandaged Hand- Louden Swain
  13. Brother- NEEDTOBREATHE
  14. Me- The 1975
  15. Sleep on the Floor- The Lumineers
  16. Without you- Oh, Wonder
  17. Drive- Oh, Wonder
  18. Bad Habit- The kooks
  19. Robbers- The 1975
  20. Call out my Name- The Weeknd

I guess that’s it for now. I hope everyone’s going good. 😀

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

All caught up

I don’t think it comes as a shock that I listen to a lot of music and I’m a perpetually sad person and those two things are my whole life.

Also I feel kind of awful at this very moment. For once, I know why. But that’s not the point of this. Not that I ever have any point to make. I don’t know, I just wanted to distract myself for a little bit.

I’m finally getting a new phone. Well, to be fair the phone I had before this was also pretty nice, but it wasn’t new or mine. I was just keeping it for a few months because mine broke. I’d been using a Sony phone since 2014 (It was my first phone ever) and then last September or late August, the screen cracked. So I started using my mother’s iPhone because she didn’t use it anymore. I had planned on getting a new one in like a month but I just kept on spending my money on stupid dumb shit and not on a necessity. So now finally I’ve ordered a new phone which will arrive on Saturday. I’m childishly excited about it. I keep on tracking its delivery, as if my looking again and again will make it reach me faster.

I also have like 10 new books coming my way on Monday. I am so so so excited about them because Jesus knows that I hadn’t gotten a new book in a while. The last book I got was on my birthday and it was called “A Guide to Rational Living” and was given to me by my mother. But this time I have books like Fire and Fury, Born a Crime, and Atlas Shrugged.  I am DYING right now in their wait. (I don’t know if that sentence was correct)

In my last step to becoming Gollum, I have become obsessed with jewelry. Earrings in particular. In a couple of years I went from someone who didn’t wear any lipstick or jewelry to a person won’t be caught dead without a lipstick on . I don’t know why I didn’t take care of my skin before. Now getting ready in the morning is my favorite time of the whole day. It takes longer, sure, because I have dedicated 6 step routine for both day and night. I have noticed a difference from 2016 to now and I think those steps are completely worth it.

I’m also blonde now, not in my roots, though. I have actually never had non-colored hair since 2013, but it was always very subtle and never so out there as it is now. Last February I wanted to get dark navy blue hair. The hair stylist fucked up big time because it turned out more black than blue. Then it got worse with time and then in May I had to cut it all off. So from May to January, I had no color in my hair whatsoever, which was very boring. I don’t care much about damage because I’ve never had amazing hair to begin with. I like changing my hair a lot. I think it’s a lot of fun. I’m planing on getting ash grey hair this month, then peacock blue in the summer.

I want to get my nose pierced, but I already hate my nose and I don’t know if I want to bring more attention to it. Diksha has it and it looks really nice on her, so I want one too. But my nose is my kryptonite and I’m awfully confused about this one

I would like to now talk about some of my favorite movies that I saw this year, which were, a lot. I have gotten into indie cinema somehow and I have to say I really love it. So the first movie I would like to talk about is, of course, Black Panther. Words cannot describe how much I loved that movie. Then I think the next movie I really loved was Call Me By Your Name. Before watching it I was a little skeptic because I’d read on Instagram about how it was about pedophilia and such things. But then I saw it and I couldn’t find anything disgusting. I mean sure, the age gap was significant between Elio and Oliver but there wasn’t anything perverse, or at least nothing that I could point out. I could relate so so bad to Elio at the end of that movie. It shattered my heart and I cried for an hour, I think.

Some of my other favorite movies this year that I have watched have been Get Out, Good time, Below her mouth, Moana, Marhsall, That Awkward Moment, Beatrice at dinner, Raincoat, Bhumika, Manthan, and Nishant.

And I would like to give a special mention to The Emperor’s new Groove. I fucking love that movie. It’s so funny, and just all over masterpiece.

For TV shows, I just finished watching  Shameless. It’s absolutely disgusting but I guess that’s what life is. Everyone reaches a  new low every episode and that’s still so real? I don’t know why but I really like it. I also finished the Crown last week. I know, I was late but I’m finally all caught up. Then for Comedy I have a long list. Angie Tribeca, You’re the Worst, Difficult People, Brooklyn 99, Young Sheldon, and The Detour.

Grown-ish is again absolutely amazing. I didn’t think I’d like it as much as I liked Black-ish. I usually don’t like spin offs after the trauma of The Originals. Grown-ish is again, so relatable. I think that’s what college is like, from what I’ve heard, at least. I have a child, Shivani, who goes to a legit law school in Raipur, and from what she tells me, I get it. I absolutely love these TV shows and movies, man.

Supernatural for me is in a league of its own. I will never not like that show. Team Free Will till the day I die.

I know it seems like I watch a lot of TV, and it seems accurate. I do. I don’t have much to do but watch TV and movies and read books.

As for music, here are a few songs that I love love love right now:

  1. Riptide- Vance Joy
  2. Star Power- Sonic Youth
  3. Long time- Cake
  4. Perfect Places- Lorde
  5. Opps- Kendrick Lamar
  6. Jashn-e-Bahara

I also really like this song called “If it wasn’t for you” by Alesso, but I don’t listen to it. I avoid it at all costs because I can’t listen to that song without going into a manic depression for six months. But it’s a good song, though.

As for me personally, I have been struggling a bit. I have a sinking feeling in my heart and gut at all times. Anxiety is at an all time high. Like I said, I know why. I still can’t believe that it still affects me. Now that I think of it, there never goes a day where I don’t think about it, but for the past two weeks the sinking feeling has gotten deeper and I find myself praying again. To what? Even I don’t know. Even though the object of my love is no longer with me, doesn’t mean that the love isn’t there. I think it’s more than ever before and somehow it grows everyday. There’s nothing that I can do, nothing that I haven’t already done, so I pray.  I just pray that if there is any God, wherever God is, I hope they listen to me. I hope they have mercy on my soul. I hope that I feel so empty anymore. I hope.

I think we’re all caught up. I’m sorry this post was so long. I didn’t want to leave anything out. I needed the distraction and all those things I mentioned are really important to me.

So thank you for sticking around till the end.

 

 

 

 

 

Loony Tunes

Okay my petite croissants I’ve got some more amazing music for you all followed by a rant that even I don’t know about yet. So the music is :

  1. Cake – Long time
  2. The Walters – I love you so
  3. Kygo ft Selena Gomez – It ain’t me
  4. Aurora – Running with the wolves
  5. Mogwai – Take me somewhere nice
  6. Foo Fighters – Aurora
  7. Alex Turner – Hiding tonight
  8. Vince Staples – BagBak
  9. Iron- Cinder and Smoke
  10. Youth- Daughter
  11. Cage the Elephant- Instant Crush (cover)
  12. Kendrick Lamar ft U2- xxx
  13. Kendrick Lamar ft Rihanna- Loyalty
  14. Panic! At the Disco – Don’t threaten me with a good time
  15. Marshmallow ft Selena Gomez – Wolves
  16. Cake – I will survive
  17. Kendrick Lamar ft SZA : All the stars
  18. Vance Joy – Riptide
  19. Cigarettes after sex – K.
  20. Panic! At the Disco : I write sins not tragedies
  21.  Selena Gomez ft Gucci Mane : Fetish
  22. Cage the Elephant : Trouble
  23. The 1975 : Me
  24. The Marias : I don’t know you
  25. Panic! at the Disco : This is Gospel
  26. Varsity : So sad, so sad
  27. Jye – A shitty love song
  28. Angus and Julia Stone – Chateau
  29. Gregory Alan Isakov – If I go, I’m going
  30. Angus and Julia Stone: Down the way

This is all I can remember for now, but I’m thinking to start a journal of all the music that I find and absolutely love, so it’s easier to keep track of them in the future. I’m hoping that from now on, almost in every new post I can share some new music ( or music that is new to me) with everyone because literally nothing makes me happier than finding music that leaves me with goosebumps.

Now for the rant, I think I have finally figured out that I need to take control of what I want. If I want to graduate doing what I love, I have to make efforts. If I want to have a chance of making it as a writer, I need to make it happen for myself. I can’t keep giving up. If I want to live a stress and drama free life, I need to keep minding my own business.

And I think I’m going to get a dog. Ill be staying at home most of the time anyway from next month, apart from like seven hours a day. I would really like to love and take care of something, man.

 

 

Listen

I won’t rant passive aggressively this time. I mean, not at first, anyway. What I really feel lie doing right now is sharing the music I’ve been listening to these past few weeks. Because music is the only thing that has been going good for me right now. Now before I start listing songs I should tell you that I am obsessed with every Hamilton song. Hamilton is the best and I will fight anyone who says otherwise. Still, there are a few favorites other than the musical based on the founding fathers of USA. So here they are:

  1. 505- Arctic Monkeys
  2. Kashmir- Led Zeppelin
  3. Perfect Places- Lorde
  4. Pray: Sam Smith
  5. Gemini Feed- Banks
  6. Irresistible- Fall out Boy ft. Demi Lovato
  7. Affection: Cigarettes after Sex
  8. Mr Brightside: The Killers
  9. Star Power: Sonic Youth
  10. Take me to Church: Hozier
  11. Apocalypse: Cigarettes after sex
  12. Hold me tight or don’t: Fall out Boy
  13. Trip Switch: Nothing but thieves
  14. Cold Cold Cold: Cage the Elephant
  15. 5,4,3,2,1 (Murder Song): Aurora
  16. Do I Wanna Know?: Arctic Monkeys
  17. Carry on my wayward son: Kansas
  18. Heat of the Moment: Asia
  19. Dream a little dream of me: Ella Fitzgerald
  20. Arabella: Arctic Monkeys
  21. New Rules: Dua Lipa
  22. Babe I’m gonna leave you: Led Zeppelin
  23. Set Fire to the Third Bar: Snow Patrol
  24. The Ballad of Gus and Sam: Ferraby Lionhart
  25. Can’t be happening: The Marlows
  26. Forrest Whitaker: Bad Books
  27. Back to Black: Amy Winehouse
  28. Too Late to say goodbye: Cage the Elephant
  29. Bad at Love: Halsey
  30. Why’d you only call me when you’re high: Arctic Monkeys
  31. Wonderwall: Oasis
  32. River: Eminem ft. Ed Sheeran
  33. Suck it and see: Arctic Monkeys
  34. Come a little closer: Cage the elephant
  35. If I get high: Nothing but thieves
  36. Monster: Kanye West ft. Jay-Z, Bon Iver and Nikki Minaj
  37. For You: Angus and Julia Stone
  38. Runaway: Aurora
  39. Like Home: Eminem ft. Alicia Keys
  40. Starboy: The Weeknd ft. Daft Punk

Obviously my taste in music is very weird and all over the place. But I really like all these songs, plus Hamilton :P. Oh, and also cheesy 90s Bollywood music. I am who I am, man. But I really really recommend all these songs that I’ve listed above to everyone.

Now for the rant, I actually have nothing new. Same old trivial issues that my head can’t process.  No wait, I do. It’s more of a thing I wish I had. So like three of my friends broke up with their boyfriends in the past  two weeks. I was sad about only one because that dude was legit a nice person. Anyway, not my dysfunctional relationship, not my decision. So now what I’m envious about is that two of them are already schtumping someone else. No judgement man, because again, not my body, not my place. I’m only envious in the sense like wow, how are you just so confident about everything? It takes me sixty four years to be comfortable intimately with someone because I hate my body and the way I look. So I just wish I had that kind of confidence within myself that I don’t have to think twice about what I want to do with my body.

That’s it.

 

 

 

 

 

Hi Hi Hi!!

Let’s get ready for an overdue passive aggressive rant about everything that has happened to me since April of this year!!!! Are these exclamation marks making you uncomfortable??!!!! Good!!!! because that’s the purpose!!

So in April I completely declared a family member dead. At least to me. Am I a bad person for this? Yes of course but you know what that dude isn’t a saint, either. So April was a stressful time for me.

Then came May. For the fourth May of my life I was out giving interviews and exams to get into colleges. I was a twenty year old, who had given up 2 years of law school. This time I went only to the places where I had a chance.   Everyone was younger than me and it made me feel quite old. That waiting period between giving an interview and hearing about the result is the worst. I was the most suicidal I had ever been in my life. But something moderately good happened. Then it fucking came to fucking light that my parents are the most dysfunctional couple to ever exist in the history of creation. Long story short, one third of the college fund that I had earned for myself was gone. I could no longer afford to live outside on my own. And I would rather have maggots eating my eyeballs than ask for money from someone else. After dealing with that shit, I took a mini vacation to Assam. Big mistake for a very small reason. I had an allergic reaction to the water and to this date I have the remains of rashes all over my body. With my life it’s always one step forward and fucking three steps back.

Then In June my mother broke her collarbone. As shitty as it sounds, it didn’t make a big difference because she went back to live with her mother. Yes, as in separation. That was for the best, if you ask me. I’m an adult and my brother is in boarding school, so she didn’t have a lot keeping her here. Not a problem. This separation was long overdue, so it’s fine. She did ask me to come with her but the only way I’m leaving this house is if I’m dead. I’m Alan, bitch. You can’t get rid of me. I also very reluctantly cut my hair short. I had to do it because it was damaged and you could no longer tell if it was black or blue or copper from the ends. It was one ugly mixture of all three so I chopped them off. Also around 27th, I got my period after almost a year. And it was horrific and my uterus felt like the battleground for the Battle of Bastards. This period lasted ten days.

Then in July Diksha moved back. She also left three years of architecture and finally came back home. I think it helped her to have me right there with her, having given up law. It was bittersweet not having an excuse to go to Bhopal every other weekend and partying the shit out of my mind. Not to mention her super hot friends. But I guess her mental health gets an upper seat on the priority shelf than my stupid libido. Then I went to my OB/GYN to harass her until she figured out what the actual fuck was going on with my fucking ovaries. She told me after a really expensive series of tests that both my ovaries were lazy. Apparently that’s a legit medical terminology: Lazy ovaries. I guess it would make sense because every fiber of my being is lazy, so my ovaries would be lazy, too. But what the fuck, man? They sure seem over-active to me? How does this work? If anyone was to have such a stupid condition, it would of course be me.

Around August I started to lose my mind a little. I was hitting on anything that moves for absolutely no reason at all. I wasn’t even interested in guys who were giving me their phone numbers or socials or whatever. Lol there was this one time when I almost started to talk to 36 year old but thanks to social media I found what his age was and didn’t end up a case on TV. And how can I leave out my breakdown of Independence Day. It was a normal day. I ordered pizza, ate the entire thing by myself and watched Supernatural season 10. Then there’s this particular episode where Dean slaughters an entire room full of people and Sam finds him helpless on the floor of the room. (Backstory: Dean has the Mark of Cain and a very strong urge to kill. He killed a room full of pedophiles. DON’T JUDGE MY DEAN OK?!) I started to fucking scream. No words no profanities just five hours of my voice going AAAAARRRGGGGHHHHH. Don’t know why it happened, don’t know how it stopped. Hasn’t happened since so I guess it doesn’t matter.

In September I was bedridden for about a month. It was very funny, actually. So like an absolute idiot that I am, I somehow managed to drop a ceramic plate on my foot and split it open. My house, from the kitchen to the living room was covered in blood. No one was home and my phone was upstairs so I just shouted until my sister heard me outside and took me to the nearest hospital before I passed out. The nearest hospital isn’t very good, though. They didn’t put those stitches which would dissolve over time, instead they put the ones which had to be removed after three weeks. That fucking sucked. My foot looked like a stuffed chicken and as a result my feet are now more repulsive than ever. And the worst part was not being able to go anywhere on my own, having to always hold someone’s arm while walking and the worst of all? Not smoking. I do not think I’ll be able to do that ever again.

Then came Diwali which didn’t feel like Diwali at all. There was no family to celebrate with. I didn’t want to impose on someone else’s family because no matter how much someone else’s parents love you, being with them on Diwali seems like the mother of all impositions. So that’s that. I did shop a lot, man. I’ve been doing that a lot lately and I need to stop. But then again shopping is the only thing that makes me feel a little bit excited and I know shopping a lot is a problem but dude, I could be doing crack instead. Crack would be cheaper, though. Anyway so there’s that.

As for the rest of the year, I’m going to the NH7 Weekender, only to see one of the best bands ever, – Cigarettes after sex. Then around 28th of December I’m taking a vacation again. A long one this time. On the beach, because I’m 90 and my body doesn’t do winters very well.

Also, I don’t care if this makes anyone uncomfortable, but when I’m on that vacation, I’m hoeing out. I AM DONE WITH THIS HIATUS, I CANNOT TAKE THIS ANYMORE. I have no intentions of waiting so long to have sex again that I revirginate. I won’t have to see their faces again or face awkward encounters or feel ashamed and that’s the beauty of the Caribbean.

I guess that was all that I wanted to rant about.

Okay, bye bye.