I have a butt load of new music for you guys so if you want you can scroll down to it.
As for the actual content of the post, ya girl’s struggling. Not only am I struggling to keep up with my own mind, I’m now for the fourth time in my life, struggling with my body as well.
I don’t ever remember being as sick as I was until two days ago.
I still can’t properly talk without breathing heavily in between my words. Strange, I know because I’m not that old. I might feel that old but I’m just 21. Being sick sucks ass. Not just because I have to stay at home all the time but because doing every day things becomes a time consuming task. What did you do today? Oh, I took a shower.
Getting sick was majorly my mind’s fault. See whenever I feel like my life is over and I want to fucking die, my body takes it seriously and I almost instantly fall sick. This happened the last time in 2015 at almost the same time. But this time nothing actually happened, except for my stupid bipolar brain.
Anyway, I had fever for about a week which included throwing up everything I ate, not being able to sit up for more than half hour and such things. I couldn’t speak because of a cold which had invited itself to the party, and on top of everything I got my period. So you can see why I’ve been struggling.
See a mental breakdown differs from one person to another, but for me it’s not as much a scene as it is not being able to function because of the issues my brain has developed for no good reason. Some of them are new and some haven’t gone away for years.
I’m always scared that people don’t actually like me and they just hang out with me because they HAVE TO tolerate me or some shit. I’m a good friend. Yes I’ll say that because I am. I wasn’t always a model friend but I can say that I am now. I can’t count the amount of times I’ve put someone before me. I know in the back of my rational brain that I shouldn’t expect people to do the same for me but then the petty side goes WHY THE FUCK NOT.
So whenever my brain acts up, I distance myself from everyone. Because if not, I’ll just fight and I’ll come across as a needy baby which at some level I am but I’d rather not have that become so fucking obvious.
Then comes the realization that no one actually loves me and that no one ever will. I’ve had just one person love me and I don’t have that anymore. I haven’t had it since. Yeah sure I have friends who hang out with me and what not but I don’t think I remember what it feels to be loved.
It’s not about a boy or a girl or a relationship. It’s just about the lack of feeling wanted and cared for. So you see it becomes a task for me to go on with my life when I feel like I have so much weight on my shoulders.
But anyway, I’ll continue in the next post because right now i want to sleep and I want to publish this thing before I pass out.
The playlist these days has been the following:
Like real people do: Hozier
Solo: Clean bandit ft Demi Lovato
Bartier Cardi: Cardi B ft 21 Savage
Where is my mind?: The pixies
Famous: Kanye West
Killian’s red: Nada Surf
My my my: Troye Sivan
Drip: Cardi B ft Migos
Strawberries and cigarettes: Troye Sivan
Apeshit: The Carters
Saturday night: Panic! At the Disco
Dance to this: Troye Sivan ft Ariana Grande
Django Jane: Janelle Monae
She looks like fun: Arctic Monkeys
Yikes: Kanye West
Four out if five: Arctic monkeys
Fire and flood: Vance Joy
June: Florence and the machine