I guess I wanted it back.

I’ve been trying to write this one for so long. I did wrote it three times, but couldn’t bring myself to hit publish. Because who writes like that? Who thinks that it’s okay to kill other people in exchange of getting theirs back?

I;m not normal. Anyone who knows me will confirm that. I’m crazy, and I’m not kidding. When I say that I’m kidding, I’m not trying to be a bad-ass or whatever. I actually am crazy, and I’m okay with my insanity.

That’s not what this is about.

What I’ve come to know recently is that if you loose someone, like when they die, they’re never coming back. You’ll never see them again and it’s terrifying. It hit me hard a few weeks back that….shit, they’re never coming back. Out of the blue I was crying my heart out…shaking like I was having an epileptic attack. I hadn’t cried like that in a very long time. Maybe never.

I shut my phone off…threw it away, actually, and then it was like every river known to man was coming out of my eyes. I don’t cry that often these days. I know what I want from my life now, and that’s my priority. Everything else can go screw itself, IF it’s not one of the people that I love.

I have no idea why I cried, but the whole time I was crying, I had one thing in mind. “I want them back.”

I wanted all of them back. I even hoped that “God” would take away the people who deserved to live less and give me back mine. Too much has been taken away from me. I want it back. I want to be happy again, like I used to be once.

I’m not a sulky or whatever person . My life isn’t that bad. It doesn’t suck all that much. Good things have been happening to me recently. I mean, I feel like I’ve grown up. For the first time in my life, I prayed not for myself but for someone else. Khud se zyada doosro se pyar hai…I love others more than I do myself. I mean, I would give anything for their happiness. This just means my family and a few friends.

They want me to do something…no questions asked, I’ll do it. I’m sure they’d do the same for me, too. So, I shouldn’t really complain and be sappy that I’ve lost people. To be honest to myself, I’ve gained more than I lost. But as an arrogant and ungrateful human, I still run after what I’ve lost.

But I wanted them back when I was having a tear-attack. I was saying it out loud again and again. I want them back, I want them back, I want them back. Zid hai….wapas chahiye sab. Kya kar loge?

I couldn’t say anything to my mum or grandma. Then they’d start crying and it’d have been all my fault. So I switched my phone on. I told what I was feeling to three people. All three of them had a single answer.

Accept it, they aren’t coming back. Accept it, they’re gone forever and you’re going to miss them forever. Accept it, and move on.

No one said get over it because they haven’t either, and you simply can’t get over it. How can anyone?

I mean, it really is childish. They’re dead. It doesn’t matter how much I loved them, they’re dead. They aren’t coming back.

It should be okay.

But it’s not.

I can’t do anything about it.

I hate it.

And I hate whatever I just wrote because I don’t want to take everything so serioulsy. Badi mushkil se sochna kam kiya hai…I can’t afford to think more and more.

But whatever, I’ll just publish this thing.

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