The reasons why

You see, I’m a complicated person. I’m happy, I’m sad, I’m furious, I’m rebellious, I’m just…me. So, there is a very complex reason why I was out of touch with WordPress for two months. My grandfather (Mum’s dad) passed away in October. It’s accurate to say that I lost my head. I knew that losing one more person was going to push me over the edge of sanity. It kind of did, too. I didn’t cry at his funeral. I pushed them back from my eyes as they carried him away in front of him. I saw how cancer had turned a roaring lion into a defeated, weak sheep. I almost screamed when I last saw him being carried away. I stayed inside while others followed him out of the house. The cries were too much for me to bear, so I hid in the bathroom, washed my face and looked at myself in the mirror. I kept chanting in my head, “You can’t cry. You can’t cry. YOU CAN’T CRY!” Well, maybe because everyone kept telling me that I had to be strong for my mother. No one thought that I might need a shoulder to cry on, too. An ex-friend called me once. All she said to me was that I needed to be strong. I needed to be firm for my mum. I understood her at that time but as soon as she hung up, that throbbing pain in my chest returned. It was like someone was trying to tear me apart from within. It became too unbearable to stand straight. It became too much for me to think, to breathe, to feel. In that moment, everything was clear to me.

I didn’t need to feel. I mean, why should I? Things are good in my life for a while when someone new comes in it. Then they leave, leaving me miserable all over again. My father gives me hope that he’s changed, and then he takes it all away in a heartbeat. So, why should I feel? I just needed one reason to keep on feeling, but I couldn’t. There was simply no reason to feel. No one to talk to. No one to share all this crap with, and absolutely no one to tell me that it was all going to be okay.

I switched the world out for ten days. I used to go to school, put on a freaking fake smile and get through one day at a time. I had people around me who genuinely cared for me, and wanted me to be happy. But to me, at that time, it didn’t matter. I wouldn’t have felt different if I were stuck in the classroom all day long. Nothing actually held importance anymore. What was the point in studying economics, accountancy and share market when there was nothing left? Why even bother studying when this year had taken everything I had? I lost a total of six people this year, who meant a lot to me. These are just the ones who died. I lost three people who had a part in building me, who ended up walking out me. That was routine for me, too. So, I gave up writing. Because whenever I write, things come flooding out of my brain into the paper.
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And I didn’t want to feel. I gave up reading, too. For a whole month, I didn’t read, and I didn’t write. Anything. (School curriculum books included)

Then, to top everything else up, I got sick. I’m talking really, really sick, details of which I just don’t like discussing. I don’t want sympathy. Anyways, I didn’t go to school for a week and got a surgery. I didn’t tell any of my friends that I was sick. I didn’t actually look sick, either. It was something internal and controllable by meds, but only up to an extent. At the end, I couldn’t avoid the surgery. I came back to school, pretending like nothing happened. To this day, none of my friends, apart from one, know that I had a surgery done. I even made my parents swear that they’d never tell anyone about this. The medicines made me gain weight, and now, I’m fatter than I used to be five months ago. In a nutshell, I was a depressed, sick and fat teenager for one month. Not exactly my ideal reason to take a break from school.

Then came Diwali. I have no idea what happened to me that week. I think it was the tight slap on my cheek my friend shook me from within. This friend, the person I can truly call a friend, found about my surgery through my grandmother. She marched up to my room and landed her fist on my cheek. At first, I didn’t know what hit me. Then I realized that I could hear a ringing in my ear. I shook my head and came back to Earth.

“You’re a bitch, you know that?” She yelled at me and the hugged me hard.

Me and her, we’d had our problems in the past. We had fought, not talked, patched up, and been through all that already. But this person, my friend, my Bhavini (That’s her name), did not leave. I hid almost everything from her. My craziness, my need, everything. She turned out to be just as mental as I am. Her slap made me realize that, Holy crap, she cared. She cared about me, even after everything that we’d put each other through.

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Then, during Diwali, we were like the inseparable twins. That was the first time in my life that I felt…normal. Not someone who’d just had surgery, not someone who was toxic, but someone who was just normal. We went out shopping together, I met her friends, and I laughed with them, played video games with them. I’m normal for the first time in my life and I love it. I love shopping, shoes, did I mention that I have my first real crush now? All of the above are just symptoms that I am normal. There isn’t something insanely abnormal about me. I just have slightly more issues than anyone else, but I can’t let that effect me. I know I’ll get better as I grow up, eventually.

To put a cherry on top, I had the best Children’s’ day ever. Now I know that I’m not a child anymore, but my school took a trip out. It was one of the best days of my life. We went full on crazy on the dance floor. Some might even say that we were possessed. I loved that day, and I loved the people around me. Of course, I still love them. I got to witness some memories that I’ll cherish for the rest of my life.

Life was finally good.
After two months of my grandfather dying, I found the courage to get back into the blogging world. I know that I haven’t been around much since then, but that is because of my exams. But whenever I can find time, and wherever I find time, I log into my WordPress account before I log into Facebook.

That’s because I love everyone here, even though their existence in my life is just virtual, but they help me see things differently, and they get me through difficult times without even knowing it.

I’m sorry that I have been away. I don’t think it’ll ever happen again, but if it does, it will only have two reasons; my exams or technical difficulties with my laptop or the internet.

Thank you, everyone, for things I can’t even explain. 

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6 thoughts on “The reasons why

  1. Things have a way of working themselves out, they say. But unless one wants them to, it gets really sticky. So, congratulations 🙂 You did well.

    As for sickness, well… I don’t know what to say, honestly. But I do know cancer, chemotherapy and the constant dizziness.

    You should know that you are doing really good. Keep it up.

    1. Thanks.The thing about being that sick was that I didn’t even want people to know. The sympathy was like…urgh! I’m glad I got through all with as much discretion as I got.

      1. I understand. Nobody from college knew about what exactly was wrong with me either 🙂 You are not alone…

        Sympathy is what kills the spirit. So I think what you did was right.

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