Ground Zero

Everything that could be broken, has been broken. There’s nothing left to break. No pain left to deepen, and no space left to fill. Everything that could hurt me has been done. Now, there’s no looking back. There’s only looking forward. There’s no looking down, hoping that the ground swallows me up. There’s just looking at the sky, knowing that one day, I’ll touch it.

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I am done feeling like a freaking zombie, and acting like one for that matter. There cannot be any more sadness, and there won’t be. I am seventeen years old! So what if a shrink says that I’m depressed? I’ll prove him wrong. I am not going to be one of those people who feel sorry for themselves every time they look in the mirror. I’m going to keep on moving forward because life is a one-way road. I’m not going to get these moments back. There are no disconnected moments, so if I want to make my future happy, I need to make my today happy as well. If I let these present moments slip through my fingers, then how can I even think of holding my future? If I let myself abuse this gift of life, then I’m not sure I deserve it. I know that I’ve fallen down. But I also know that I gave up. This is one thing no one should ever do. I’m learning it the hard way. If I give up, if I don’t fight for my dreams, then I can’t expect someone else to do that for me. If I give up chasing my dream, then I didn’t deserve it. If there’s one thing I know, it is that I was raised not to give up by my grandfather. He’d be so angry at me right now if he were alive. And boy, I do not wish for that. Today, I have a chance. Today, I have something to get back to. I might not have that tomorrow. So I’m going to keep my head held high and move only forward.

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I can’t spend the rest of my life thinking that, ‘Oh, my god. I’ve been diagnosed with depression. What will happen to me now?’ If I would’ve seen someone else do this two months ago, I would’ve kicked them so hard, that they would’ve landed on moon. This is what I’m going to do myself right now. I’m going to kick myself out of this bloody mess. Honestly, what was I thinking? So what if my best friend abandoned me? She obviously didn’t care about me that much. She’s moved on, and so am I going to. I have the rest of my life in front of me. I can’t let the last ten years decide my next sixty. Of course, I can’t erase them, no matter how much I’d like to. All I can do is make peace with them and not let my yesterday affect my tomorrow. 

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So, I declare myself as Ground Zero. I’m going to rebuild myself. I’m going to make myself into such an enigmatic person, that people from my past will just burn with the shine radiating off of me. I’m not toxic anymore. I’m not saying I’m suddenly angelic. What I am right now, is a human. A simple human being with no toxicity running in her veins. I’m not sef abhorrent anymore. I love myself. I know that others can do that, too, if they understand me.

I am going to start all over again. I’m not going to be lonely. I’m not going to be sad anymore, either. I’m going to take a fictitious character’s advice and make every day of my life Legen…wait for it…-dary!

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Yeah, I know its a little cliche. But it’s true, isn’t it? I am honestly done with sulking. I tried it, I didn’t like it. But I do know that I’m going to more than love being just…awesome!

 

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2 thoughts on “Ground Zero

  1. When I was your age ( and that was like a decade back 😦 ), I was not even half as enigmatic as you are. And my life turned out…well… amazing. At least, till now 🙂
    So, the point is that with your energy- am sure awesome things are just wating to unfold. Rock on!

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