Acceptance

It’s official. I’m all alone. I tried to make up for the mistakes I’d done, I tried to forgive them for what they did to me. They decided that my mistakes were too grave to be forgiven and forgotten.

I had only one person left. She was my last resort, my last hope, my everything. My toxicity got to her and she untangled herself from me. I can’t blame her. I’m the one at fault here. She made me feel cared for when everyone else decided to follow the path of abandonment. Now, because of no one else than me, I’m alone again.

I thought it’d be easy to be alone until November. Then for three months, I’d do nothing but study and them move to Bangalore for college. I was wrong. There is nothing more of a punishment for a human than being alone. It’s a curse. It’s the darkest thing which can stir the soul of a human. I am alone. I am lonely. I am in hell.

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I want that scary demon out of me now. I want to forget all that had happened to me and move on with a fresh start. I want to erase my past and write my story all over again. I can’t get out of the emotional mess that I am in, all alone. I thought that I was strong enough to be alone, but I was just kidding myself. I can’t do that. It was my mistake and arrogance to think that I could be alone in life.

I don’t mean “I’m alone” in a typical teenager kind of way. I’m not that shallow. I mean it when I say that I’m alone. There isn’t a single person on this planet to take care of me right now, when I’m burning with fever. I have no one on which I can rely, on whose shoulder I can cry, with whom I can share my happiness…not a single living soul. I should’ve been okay with that. I should’ve been used to being Unloved by now. But I’m not. 

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For the first time in my life, I want to be loved. I want to open my heart out to someone. I want to love, too. I want to have friends, have fun, do all that normal teenager stuff with. I want to be the reason behind someone’s smile. I deliberately want to do all that stuff. The only problem is I don’t know how to. My communication skills suck. I’m not outgoing. I just want someone to accept me as I really am. I have flaws, I have issues, I have demons, I have nightmares, I have all sorts of things that need special attention. I want this one thing right now. I want to be accepted, along with all my flaws, and still be loved. Is that too much to ask?

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2 thoughts on “Acceptance

  1. Now that you’ve decided what you want to do, you will be able to make the changes you need to make. Start by paying attention to how others interact and learn from by watching them what works. To have friends, be a friend. Focus on others and less on yourself and you’ll develop friends over time. Good luck to you.

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