Monthly Archives: July 2013

To all my former ‘Friends’…

We had some great times together. We made memories that can’t ever be matched or even touched by others. We broke rules, bunked classes, got scolded, sat in front of the Vice Principal’s cabin almost every week, and still managed to keep our grades good. I’d known all of you for a very big part of my life and you made me feel needed. Some of you left, others ignored me, and one ratted me out. So I found someone else as a friend. The hole that you 7 people punched in me could never be filled. I cared again and again, even after telling myself that all you’d ever given me was pain and made me feel rejected.

I blame you for my loneliness. I blame you whenever I see our pictures and tears escape my eyes. I blame it on you guys whenever I have to sit alone in school functions or the morning assembly. I blame you because I’ve learnt not to blame myself on everything.

You might think that I’ve made new friends. No, I haven’t. They’re merely three people who help me get through the day, one at a time. Apart from my best friend, none of them are my real friends. They know nothing about me or what kind of a person I am. But when I think of it, neither did you all. You had no idea what I liked, what I disliked, what my dreams are, what my life outside school was. I knew all of that about you. I had a communication problem that none of you seemed to notice.

Today, I learnt what kind of people you’ve become. Today, I learnt what kind of things you’ve said about me, and the people I care about. Today, I think I’m finally over your friendship. 

Yes, I’ll smile at you all everyday. Of course I’ll always wish you happy birthdays, but the friendship we used to share ends today. Tears dwell in my eyes as I type this, because its not easy for me to let you all go. I can’t even imagine how I would’ve survived those two years without you guys. I have decided that I need to stay clear of you guys. Not because I’m worried that you’ll get me trouble with the teachers, but because you’ve changed as persons. I’ll probably just cry my heart out before going to sleep or cry in the bathroom while taking a shower so no one can hear my sobs. Then tomorrow, I’ll smile at you as if tonight never happened. I’ll still help you with your project, I’ll still cover for you if you ask me to, I’ll be there for you when you need me, and I’ll be there when you succeed in life. 

We’ll never be what we used to be, the eight of us. You’ve changed, I’ve grown up even more. I’ve earnt more from you. I’ve learnt that its never easy to shut someone out. I’ve learnt that its better to shut everyone out, so that I can protect myself from going through you all again.Image

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Where was I when courtesy died?

The good news is, I’ve regained my vocal abilities. The bad new is, one of my “Friends” is turning 17 on Tuesday. She’s not a close friend, but she’s one of those people I can tolerate around me, and I genuinely care about her. For her, my best friend and one other friend are planning a surprise gift. They are discussing ideas with me, they’re roaming around the city with me, and I’m pretty sure I’m not even invited.

It’s not like I’m dying to go, or she’s throwing her party at a very exotic location…none of that bullshit. I get it. I’ve not known her long enough. I wouldn’t have gone even if I were invited because of the tests and her Prefectorial ass-kissing friends. But isn’t this plain courtesy? I sit behind her in the class every day since the past year. She didn’t invite me, that’s cool. I’m more than okay with that.

But why openly discuss plans about that party? Why talk about that in front of me? Where did the meaning of the word “Courtesy” go? Did it go die in its own feces? Yes, I think it did. The worst part is that my own best friend, the one person in this whole wide world who knows me better than I know myself, couldn’t figure this out. Now, I didn’t want the effort to get me invited into the party. No, I wanted the courtesy of not talking about that in front of me. Common thoughts like, “She wasn’t invited, so maybe we should take this somewhere else” or “Baby, I’m sorry we’ve been boring you with all this.”

That was all I asked for. Just that. Screw the party. I don’t like parties anyways. Please, just please, can someone find out where courtesy go? This world needs it.

Helpless

I’ve got a mouth ulcer since last two days. Gross? I know! Apparently, while I had excruciating pain in my back due to an old injury, I took a lot of medication and this damn thing on my tongue is a side effect.

Well, it’s effect is so powerful, that I haven’t spoken in last two days. Not a single word. I’m living on juices and banana. I can’t move my tongue. For some mysterious reasons, now my teeth hurt, too.

I have forgotten what its like to speak. I can’t even remember the last sentence I spoke. Normally, I don’t speak a lot. But that’s by choice, and not by circumstances. There’s a difference. My power of speech has been taken away from me temporarily. I feel for all the people who can’t speak, not because of side-effects, but because they just…can’t.

I cried a lot today. I got into a fight, without actually saying anything. I slapped my bestfriend because according to me he’s suppose to understand what I’m saying without actually saying it. Now, I have an angry best friend, an ulcer in my mouth, an ever-growling stomach and an opportunity foregone  to deliver a speech.

I so badly wanted to speak today. I was writing down everything I wanted to say. It made me feel so…dependent, weak and helpless. This feeling is alien to me. I’ve never been dependent on other people. I’ve always made my point when I wanted to. Today, I couldn’t.

I just cried until my tears gave out. I realized that there’s nothing more I can do other than apply some godforsaken ointment on my tongue and then wait for the ulcer to go away.