Most nights…I don’t know.

Okay, this might get a little personal. But I think that its better I let it out here instead of chirp about my problems to someone else. Even if I did, I’m not sure anyone will understand.

I go to bed every night and I’m wide awake even after an hour. All I can think about is; what will happen when I graduate High School? Go to college? Where? Study what? I want to adapt a new profession every day. I’m a history freak, I’m in love with symbolism and I could live in a library.

But here I am, studying Finance. Getting just enough grades in Accountancy and living in the shadow of my best friend. And the only thing stopping me from dropping everything and switching to Humanities is my mother. Because according to her, “Girls who take humanities do B.A. and then get married.” No matter how hard I try to make her understand that this is about what I want…she just doesn’t get it. And I don’t want to be the ‘Bad kid’ who does exactly the opposite of what she’s told. I want to make her proud of me, but because of something that I did with my wish, not something which I did on their wish.

Sometimes, the path couldn’t have been more clearer. Its as simple as; Graduate High School  get scholarship in a foreign university, come back, give the exam for Indian Foreign Services, and with a job, do M.B.A. But HOW???

How the hell am I supposed to get a scholarship in a foreign university? I’m not a 10/10 student.

Every year, 100,000 people apply for I.F.S. out of which, 100 get selected. What me makes me so special that its certain that I will become an I.F.S. officer?

If it were History, I could’ve written on a stamp-paper and then signed on it saying, I will be the topper. But with Finance, I get more competitors. And I’m not scared of competition. But whats not there in them that is in me? What makes me stand out from the crowd.

So far, nothing.

I’m still the “Other Girl” who’s best friends with the prefect.I’m still a nobody. And when my tube light lightened, it turns out I’m almost out of time. This year will end in February and new session will begin in March. I will be in 12th. I’ll have my boards and absolutely no time to make myself stand out. Maybe if I just had enough brains to be a complete geek, at least it could’ve guaranteed me my face in the newspaper along with other geeks who topped 12th standard. But I’m average in that case, too.

I’m tired of being faceless. I’m tired of not being recognized for what I do. And I’m sick of not being able to show what I can do. There are some things that I can do better than most of the prefects. I can write better than them, I can speak louder and clearer than them. Hell, I can speak English better than them all. Yes, I’m cocky about that fact. Because my writing and my English are the only things which are keeping me sane. 

But, no! Why will teachers pick students who aren’t prefects or are not known by them? A dog didn’t bite them. And they are blinded by all the ass-kissing they get from their favorite students. I ain’t kissing no ass. They want tp pick me because of what I can do, then good. But if they expect me to be that typical buttering wanna-be, then they’re better off trying to freeze hell.

You know what? Screw it!

I’ll become a writer. And I don’t give a damn about what anybody thinks. My mother can go after my brother making him do what she wants. Because I ain’t it. I’m going to go after becoming a writer after BBA. She can be a part of my happiness or she can’t. As far as being faceless is concerned…I’ll earn my name by actually doing something which I want to.

 

 

 

 

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